Marriage fine but dead

[Allyouneedisglove]

I know I’m not the only one in this position, but here I am moaning anyway.

My DH and I have been together since we were 21. Married at 30, two DCs, now we’re 44 and the kids are 10 and 12.

He’s kind, we never row, he earns well, we are good parents together, he does more than his fair share of housework. I have no complaints at all apart from the single one which is that I am completely dead inside and I think he probably is as well.

I love him like a brother. We never have sex, never really even talk much. There is zero passion. I say we never argue but sometimes I wish we did just to prove that I am actually alive.

He’s in bed now. I’ll go upstairs in a bit. We are like ships in the night, our whole lives. If there’s a party to go to or whatever then we come across as the perfect couple, but I’m so bored I could scream.

A friend of mine discovered her husband’s affair five years ago. At the time she was gutted, but in a way I was envious because I knew that she could get a second chance. Now she has another man, seems blissful with him, in a new home and everyone’s happy.

She had the money to get divorced. We do not, even if we wanted to, which I don’t think I’d do anyway unless infidelity was involved and I had an excuse! It’s financially impossible without us suffering a huge decrease in our standard of living.

I don’t know what advice I want, if any. Just want to vent. Sleeping seems to be when I’m happiest. Is it really this dull till you die? I know we could go to counselling or do hobbies together or whatever but I just don’t have the energy and if I had the time and money I’d prefer to spend them on people who actually make me feel joyous and excited like my friends.

Maybe I’m just horrible.

It sounds like you're both being kind but inauthentic with each other. So you never have the really tough conversations, never let yourselves be seen or see each other. Never row and allow your bruises and vulnerabilities to show. That's when you get that numb feeling, you are both restricting what you let yourself feel, and without the shadow parts there isn't deep joy or passion either.

How about therapy for yourself, if you don't want counselling together? It would be of benefit whether you stay or go.

How about opening the marriage, or something equally seismic, that forces you both to say what you want and need?

Thats really sad. For both you of you.

You really should commit to either trying to rekindle/repair your love and passion or split, life is too short to be wasted in misery.

I don’t even know if I’m miserable!

You have children. Once they arrive they are your joint responsibility for as long as they are young. That has to be the priority. By all means look at ways to improve your relationship, but the children matter too. If you are not sending out bad vibes that make home a miserable place for the children then they are fine as they are - but you need to have their welfare as top priority.

I hope you can find a way of communicating so that you can establish what you both need.

There are many women who would be glad to have what you have. Life is never ideal. Be careful what you wish for - there are some seriously crap men out there!

Exactly right on both counts. I mention finances as the reason we won’t divorce but obviously kids are more important and a bigger reason.

The grass probably isn’t greener man-wise. But I’m just shrivelling from the soul out!

Awful, isn’t it. But then leaving feels like so much effort, too.

I agree that therapy would be a very good idea and think it's a great point that the poster above makes about neither of you being authentic. If you need to stay together for financial reasons and he is a kind man who you did once love, it is well worth trying to make the most of this.

I totally get where you are at. I ended a 12 year relationship (no joint kids but very close to each others kids) because I felt like you - dead inside and more like a brother/sister relationship. I have dated since and I have to say there are some seriously awful men out there! Although I did have a very short passionate relationship which proved to me I’m not dead inside he turned out to be completely unreliable and self absorbed, the opposite of my ex. Ex and I have remained good friends and still see each other twice a week as my son is very close to him and we get on great as friends. Not sure where it will all end up but although it’s scary being single in your 40s it’s also a relief not to sleep with someone you are no longer attracted to and the relationship now feels more authentic as friends, I’m grateful to have this as 12 years is a long time and he is a good person and been a big part of my life. So that’s my little anecdote but still not sure if it was the right thing to do, I suppose honesty is generally the best policy though. I can totally appreciate yourr circumstances are different with finances and shared kids to consider it must be very difficult. I think maybe some counselling for yourself as a previous poster mentioned. I do think this is more common than people let on. My parents split for 2 years when they were in their 40s but got back together and seem stronger than ever. Good luck in whatever you decide to do you sound like a lovely person x

Have you tried talking to your husband and telling him how you feel?

If it was easy I would have done. But it’s actually quite scary. I don’t want to hurt him. I honestly have no idea if he feels the same as me, or worse, or thinks that everything is brilliant.
We haven’t had a deep and meaningful, or a relationship check-in, or anything like that, since Tony Blair was Prime Minister. We just live life.

Thank you for your kind advice x

It's very difficult isn't it. It's shit staying, but it's shit leaving too.
Sex and passion are very important, but so is financial stability and a solid family unit. The latter we take for granted, and the former becomes more enticing.
It ends up eating away at you because you want it all. The passionate, loving marriage, and the stability and lifestyle. Where do you draw the line?

Not exactly helpful OP, but I feel your pain.

Do you have any interests of hobbies?
Do you and he have any shared interests?

What brought you together?

I do know what you mean though.

Sometimes, I realise that DH can't give me everything I need, especially in conversation, so I lean into my sister for this.

He's not one for deep conversations, but then he never has been. I guess it wasn't as important to me when we met. He hasn't changed.

It sounds like you’ve got some good things there OP, but that you’ve lost each other and disconnected along the way .. your comment about not talking about your relationship since Tony Blair was prime minister really says it all. Would he/you consider couples therapy? If you started to talk and communicate it’s possible that you might recapture something of what brought you together in the first place, or perhaps build something new. Or if not, then you might find a way to separate respectfully. But after two decades together, it’s worth a try, surely?

The whole idea of marriage is you both keep working at it not let it get to this by not working at it. I feel sad because my hubby is the very first person I talk to about rubbish or deep stuff, the very first person I call with good or bad news, still the only person I randomly kiss, cuddle in the day until the night is ours once the kids have gone to bed. We are good parents and a great couple because the massive main thing is communicating and that has to be agreed and worked on and eventually comes naturally as my hubby when I first met him wasn't a chatter lol

My marriage was over for years before we split. No physical relationship at all.

l was miserable though and so was he but there was no reason to split and at that point it was easier to stay together as we had young children. Financially we were well off, we just led separate lives.

He eventually met OW and left to be with her. I really didn't care as I'd stepped out of the marriage emotionally years ago.

8 years later, he has married OW and we all get along well. The DC are adults now so we don't have a lot of contact anymore but if he needed my help l would. He wasn't an unpleasant man ... we just fell out of love and grew apart

Would you be relieved if he had an affair and left?

You say he earns well, yet you can't afford to separate? Do you earn well? Maybe you should focus on career and aim to get to a point where it's not largely money keeping you there.

Joint counselling and really talk it out so he hears you
You've been together a long time but the foundations of your relationship are still solid, so I think and hope that things will improve for you both.