Dad diagnosed with alcoholism: how can I help him?

[madmumNika]

Hi
My Dad has recently been diagnosed with alcoholism, something that in many ways hasn't come as a surprise but has in a way to him as he's been in denial for a loooong time. The GP has started to arrange counselling and they're keeping an eye on his liver (it was a routine blood test that showed liver probs etc). I live far away from my dad but we speak weekly and are fairly close. My parents divorced (very messily) when I was 5, something which he never really got over and still 24 years later feels accounts for his depression/general unhappiness with life. He lives alone and is lonely.
Any advice on how I should support him would be gratefully received. I'm getting married in 2 weeks which doesn't help much for poor Dad especially as my stepdad (who I'm also close to) will be there who Dad hates with a passion....

Thanks x

If you are happy with the relationship with your birth father as it stands I would leave it as it is. He is responsible for his own self and you are not responsible for him.

If you really want to help him you will not enable him at all.

Seek support for your own self; Al-anon can offer help and support to family members. I'll put up their details for you.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)

I would also recommend Al-Anon

Congratulations on your marriage

Hi

I have been through a similar thing to yourself. My father died last May from alcoholism, two days after I told him I was pregnant. For as long as I can remember he was an alcoholic, and had been in and out of rehab several times.

Unfortunately he realised too little to late what he was doing, he himself was severly depressed but would never admit it. My only advice is to show what he would lose as a result of his addiction and get him to admit that he has an illness.

Let me know if you need anything else

Hi

I just wanted to say, I'm going through a similar thing at the minute. I also live away from my Dad but we had a big row last week when we were visiting which led to me telling my mum that I'd had enough of his behaviour after he'd been drinking. I think the whole family have known that he has a drink problem for years but we've always been scared of confronting it.

This seems to have given my mum the confidence to tell him that he had to stop drinking. She also told him, with my permission, the issues that I had with his behaviour.

He called me yesterday and seems very angry with me. I feel terrible for opening up what feels like a massive can of worms. And he says he hasn't had a drink since Wednesday because we don't want him to. I'm quite concerned that stopping drinking because we want him to rather than because he wants to is not the best way to go about things. He doesn't seem to have taken any responsibility for his drinking, or the hurt it's caused but he did open up about a huge range of very deep-rooted issues that he has that I think may be at the heart of his drink problem.

Good luck madmumNika. I just keep trying to remind myself that there's only so much I can do and at the end of the day my dad has to take charge of and responsibility for his own problems.

Hi Thatsnotmyfairy- thinking of you, it's such a shame your dad has reacted with anger, but as you said if he's started to open up about the issues that may be the root of his drinking problem that's a big step forward- but has he actually realised he does have a drink problem and does he want to stop it?
I think my dad knew deep down that the amount he drinks is too much, but as he doesn't drink every day he always assumed that he was "ok"- however whenever he's at home he drinks a lot, during the day and the evening. We didn't realise quite how bad it was until a couple of times my sister's called by unexpectedly in the middle of the day and found him drinking whisky, and seeing the state of his house makes me realise how low he must be as he takes no pride in keeping the place clean & tidy really... I wish I knew how to support him better as feel very far away but I do try to listen to him on the phone and help him talk about his feelings. He has been depressed for as long as I can remember but has never been to counselling so I really think this may help- he is good at talking. And like Amy said I send him photos of his grandchildren in the hope this will help motivate him to stop drinking....
I just wish I could help him move on from the things that happened to him years ago which he dwells so much on (the divorce)...

Huge hugs Amy101- can't imagine how awful that must have been

Thank you for your help ladies.

xxx

Hi - my Mum was an alcoholic and I know how hard and painful it is. As I have got older and wiser (ha ha) I have realised that it was an illness - didn't matter how many times people told me that - it never sunk in. I felt she had all the control - and obviously she did to an extent - but it aint that easy. I thought me having kids etc would give her something to change for but it never did. My father was the most amazing husband anyone could of wished for and he stuck with her 100% so she had so much going for her. In hindsight I wish I had enjoyed my mum for the wonderful things she did and not focussed so much on the negative of her drinking. I have many friends who's parents have psycholigical issues and it seems to much easier to be understanding about that rather than a drinker. I think being understanding and loving is all you can do. Tell your Dad you want to enjoy your special day - and don't worry about your him on the day - I'm sure he can make the most of it too as he's little girl is getting married. Its bloody hard but just be a loving daughter and let him know that. Lost of amazing people really turn their lives around. xx