How can I find the courage to end this?

[Annteeta]

I've (F50) been in a long distance relationship with this guy (M40) for three months. We chat regularly on video call and have seen each other once a week recently. I've stayed at his house for a couple of weekends and he at mine. I was very surprised when he dropped the ILY bomb less than two months into the relationship. He's completely seduced me with flattery and words of affirmation. He's very doting. The problem is, although I'm fond of him, (and he is a sweet guy) I have this gut feeling that we're not right for each other. I admit I've been ignoring the red flags (including he drinks too much for me and seems miserly). Because he acts so besottedly with me, I'm finding it extremely difficult to pluck up the courage to discuss our differences although really, I think I should quit. I know it's very weak of me. I fear this is yet another manifestation of my lifelong low self-esteem. It is starting to create stress. He's no idea how I feel. Can anyone advise me on how I can woman-up and face this?

In the nicest possible way, you've only known him a matter of weeks, and there are things in my fridge that have been there longer than that.

Maybe just say that you don't feel ready for a relationship right now, so sorry but you've decided that it isn't going to work. His reaction to that news will tell you everything you need to know. Either he will respect your feelings and bow out gracefully, or he will double up the intensity & love-bombing, and you'll know that giving him the boot was definitely the right decision!

You’re long distance
no need to worry about breaking off and then bumping in to him
very very early on in relationship
And MASSIVE red flag with the drinking

easy really….
I’d drop a message and say it’s been nice whilst it lasted but you don’t plan to take it any further. Wish him all the best. And then don’t engage .

including he drinks too much for me and seems miserly

gross

Op don’t see him again
the end

On your next video call just explain that you don’t feel the same way that he does and you feel it’s best that you end it.
Don’t drag it out or get into any prolonged debate. It’s only been 3 months so you should go with your gut and leave. Good luck.

“he drinks too much for me and seems miserly”

OP, those are two big red flags. Of course it’s flattering when someone comes on strong, especially when they are younger. As you say, “He's completely seduced me with flattery and words of affirmation” - and yet you have a gut feeling that you’re not right for each other. Listen to that inner voice - if you didn't have doubts, you wouldn’t be posting on here. If you’re in a long distance relationship, maybe raise your misgivings over the phone. His reaction will soon tell you everything you need to know.

I'm finding it extremely difficult to pluck up the courage to discuss our differences

I wouldn't give any room for any discussion. You want to end it with him so you have to tell him outright. The more reasoning you give him the more he has to work with to win you round, if he so desires.

Short, to the point, not unkind - phew! Job done

You don’t need to “discuss” a damn thing

you barely know him and you’re long distance

it can simply be a message and then block

Exactly. If you are already having trouble trying to pluck up courage to discuss things where you might not agree exactly, imagine what it will be like in a couple of years' time when he's completely taken over your life and you have lost all sense of self. Don't let him do this to you.

The love bombing behaviour is done on purpose exactly for the reason you've said - you now feel obligated to him and guilty about breaking up with him. Love bombing is a type of manipulation. You can reject it, and end the relationship because it's not good for you.

You’ve known him 3 months and only see each other once a week so you’re barely in double figures of times you’ve met and you’ve already ignored red flags.

There's no discussion to be had, just tell him sorry it’s not working for you and wish him well. Don’t enter into any sort of discussion about it. Politely shut him down if he tries to get you to change your mind.

Agree with pps.
You don't owe him anything.
Just message relationship not working for you and block.
Maybe work on why you're ignoring red flags like love bombing and alcohol abuse. Steer clear of dating until you're better equipped.

Being miserly is a HUGE red flag.

Words of affirmation? So telling you what he thinks you want to hear? That you’re special, he’s never met anyone like you, he wants a future with you, he’s never felt this way before?

Words don’t mean anything if actions don’t back them up.