I’ve changed username as some of this may be identifiable. I posted about 7 years ago when my father died. He SA’d me between ages 7-19. My mum knew this happened but was never strong enough to do anything to help me. My father was a horrible bully and she did not have a nice life with him. I got some really helpful advice here at the time.
After my father retired he and my mum moved to his home country. This was his dream. It was great for him, I think he thought he was able to start again with a clean slate. One of my brothers was very codependent with my parents, even though our father was not nice to him, and he also moved out there. There was lots of drama over following years, most of which I was unaware of or didn’t get involved with.
I had a massive fall out with my father a few months before he died. At this point I told all my brothers what he had done to me (2 were already aware). initially they were all supportive. By the time my father died I was no contact with him and I did not go to his funeral. He is buried in the cemetery in village where he grew up.
After our father died my brother stepped in to help my mum, but in my opinion he wanted to control her like his dad had done. Within a short time he and his family had moved into mums house. He also implied that I had made up the childhood abuse for my own benefit, to try and grab my parents house! My mum was fully aware of the abuse but she came vague about it and whitewashed the past. Lots more things went on. I cut all contact with mum and brother.
My mum developed dementia a couple of years later and moved into a nursing home. When finances were being discussed my brother said that he now owned my mum’s house.
When mum was well, during one of my visits she chatted about what she wanted to happen after she died. She hoped to live to ninety, wanted a wicker coffin, and to be cremated. She didn’t want to be buried in that country, and definitely not with her husband who had treated her so badly. She mentioned this to a couple of people besides me.
Fast forward to this week. My mum has died. I wasn’t there, but 2 of my brothers went over. My eldest brother messaged me with date of funeral. I had previously discussed with him why I wouldn’t be going which he understands. However, I did ask if mums wishes would be carried out. He and my youngest brother spoke to brother who lives there who is absolutely adamant that mum’s wishes were to be buried with her husband. He sent a video which he had taken 3 years ago of my mum in the nursing home, looking absolutely confused and bewildered, and he’s saying ‘mum, where do you want to be buried, do you want be buried in Xxx with Xxx your husband (my mum thought she was living in the village he mentioned) or do you want to be brought back to England. Mum said he didn’t want to go back to England, and he said there you go and ended the video.
I don’t know what prompted my brother to do this 3 years ago. I am absolutely shocked at how he spoke to our mum, and that he thought that was a reasonable thing to do to a person who had dementia and was clearly confused. I don’t know why he is so adamant about our parents being buried together. He definitely sees our father through rose coloured glasses, although my father treated him the worst of us all, with exception of what happened to me.
Our mum will be buried alongside her husband next week, and none of her wishes carried out, not even the coffin. I guess I have no right to have a say in this as I broke contact, but I am so upset that she will be ‘laid to rest’ next to this person who treated her so badly in life.
My youngest brother has just told me that, whilst trying to confirm funeral arrangements this week, he spoke to someone who my mum consulted before she became unwell. She had confided with this person what my father had done to me, and said that she was sorry she had not stopped it. It made me feel happy that there was someone outside the family who knows the truth and understood why I am not in contact. There’s actually 2 people that know as mum told me had discussed with a medical professional. My not so dear brother can continue with his cover up of the past, but there are people out there that know. Perhaps childish of me, but who cares!
Thanks if you’ve managed to read my rambling. I’ve tried to keep it brief, there’s so much more. I don’t think I want anything from this post other than to get it off my chest and vent.