Resentment built up! Don’t know how to overcome it.

[YourQuickTealShark]

advice needed please

I’m going through a rough patch with my bf and one thing that keeps cropping up is my I guess resentment for how much I do parenting wise vs him and I’m just after some advice.

Basically I’m off with baby, he works and travels for work so is out the house from about 7.45-5.30 everyday and we have a few dogs that I SOMETIMES get to walk dependant on day/ activities.

Evenings are a tag team of one person watching the baby the other cooking, one bathing and the other prepping for the night but I put the baby to sleep every night and do the night shifts (which are hell) as he sleeps in the spare room and will watch tv downstairs all evening.

Weekends are the same tag teaming but I plan the naps, feed the baby mostly, plan the day etc. he goes gym most weekends, takes the dog for a walk and will do some chores.

The issue I’m finding is I can’t ask for any extra help. Baby is crying = back to me, baby won’t settle = back to me. I need some sleep = “I’m tired too”, can you put the baby to bed = I’ve had a long day or they won’t settle for me…

I just feel like I’m ON 24/7 never get a break and he can just say no to parenting but I can’t and sometimes when we’ve argued he will just ignore me and the baby like we don’t exist and takes himself off for naps and when ill will sleep it off all day vs me powering through.

In my head there’s just such a clear difference but we argue over it so badly I feel like I’m going mad. Any advice?

It is a common problem: dad is tired from work and claims he doesn’t understand why mum, who has been home all day “playing with the baby” is climbing the walls with exhaustion and frustration. Dad doesn’t really see the problem with maintaining the old life he used to like, since after all you’re the one with all the maternal instincts and it’s easier for you.

The answer is he has to step up, but making him do it is very tricky.

How old is the baby? Does baby have a bottle? The usual MN answer is to go out for the day/half a day and leave dad to it. If that seems dangerous/ you can’t face leaving the baby with a guy who lacks interest in parenting, call his mum and ask her to come and stay for a few days and while she is there, make yourself scarce (depending how well you get on, you could even tell her he isn’t “bonding” with the baby so you will be going out and can she help him practice!)

When I got in this situation I would pack up my car and drive over to my own mum’s for a week. It was fab - my mum fussed over me and the baby, and even though I was still doing the nights and feeds somehow being with my mum made it all so much easier.

The arguing is not working.
Babies pick up on calm vibes, or not.
Change what YOU can.
Change your own routine to better suit yourself.

Try, between the hours of 7:45 and 5:30, caring for baby and doing the most important household tasks - the ones that matter most for your success. Washing and drying laundry, meal prep for all meals, shopping for food, keeping kitchen clean and floor, which baby plays on, clean.
Give bathing the baby to husband on the weekend. You bathe it during the week if you can but before the evening rush.
You claim walking the dogs as your chore and leave the house with the pram. Once the dog is trained to walk with the pram, your husband needs to take the pram and baby also when he walks the dog.
Ask your husband to care for baby at times that suit him best.
Discuss an hour per work day and two hours each weekend day. Gradually work up to that.
Husband needs to recognise things he can do, things he can get better at and you all could enjoy a walk in the park - to a cafe or local pub on the weekend.
Include some joy in every day. You instigate joy. Identify joyous things you and baby like to do and include husband.

It will be tough to stop the arguing.
It will take a while to change bad habits.
But one person needs to step up and change that.

Employ a baby sitter, if you must, for five hours a couple of days per week so they can walk the dog and baby and you can catch up on sleep. Or utilize grandparents like suggested above.

The only way to overcome the resentment is for him to start being a proper father and husband. If he's not willing to then it's your decision whether to stay with him.

Consciously incompetent

My simple advice is don't get into the who does more competition. Even if the balance is off, you're clearly both working hard, the biggest difference is that he's getting breaks and you're not. Come back to addressing the balance later. I cannot tell you how important getting a break is.

Right now, acknowledge to each other that you are both trying your best and it's just hard. You recognise he's working, he's pulling some weight at home and you want him to have his breaks. He needs to return the favour by acknowledging the weight on you and where can you carve out time for your breaks. Make time, stick to it and get out the house so he can't call you from the next room to just do this or that.

Once you've incorporated a break to re-energise, then tackle the next thing.

Can you nap during the day while baby naps and enlist any outside help like grandparents to look after the baby for a few hours during the day while you have a sleep?