Supporting children in tricky divorce

[mrsmalaprop]

Someone I am very close to is having the worst time of her life and I don’t know how to help her.

After many years of staying with a man who cheated on her, controlled her, harassed her, gaslit and threatened her if she ever left him, she finally made the break after he did something so terrible that she had to escape the family home.

It is an overused term, I know, but he is a narcissist and is behaving in all of the expected ways since. The post-separation abuse is still severe even though he is no longer allowed to contact her directly.

The children are now having contact with him and they are getting very, very upset with her nearly every day. The eldest is still primary school age and she is crying every night saying ‘Mummy has been mean and has ruined everything’ and ‘Daddy is sad and you’re hurting him. Why did you break up our family?’ ‘You have made Daddy homeless’ …on and on for hours.

She stayed with this nightmare of a man for way too long, having lots of fruitless counselling with him, which always ended abruptly whenever his behaviour was exposed and called out. She tried EVERYTHING to protect her children from this breakup and now she is the bad guy. She is alone, struggling for money, worried about the future, handling him through her lawyer, trying to get her life on some sort of even keel and now her children are capping off every long, painful day with a bedtime full of recriminations and accusations.

He won’t agree to let her (his daughter) have any counselling, because he thinks it will be used to manipulate her.

How can I help her? What can I tell her? I feel totally lost and I’m feeling her pain so acutely.

I’m in a similar boat to your friend. She should get an IDVA through Refuge or Women’s Aid. Also, she needs to log every incident that happens in a spreadsheet and the impact on the children. Children spouting his narrative and Dad stopping access to counselling for example.

If she doesn’t have a Child Arrangements Order, she needs to get one. I made the mistake of thinking I could co-parent with a narcissist. 🤦‍♀️ Disclose domestic abuse in the application and get a CAFCASS Section 7 report done. New practice guidelines for coercive control and post-separation abuse mean they are getting much better at spotting that and naming it in their recommendations. She could ask for Early Help either through school or from Children’s Services - very helpful to have an independent set of eyes on what’s going on for the kids and they can be really supportive.

I also bought this book about protecting your kids by the amazing Lundy Bancroft, which was helpful. Also, it will end. That seems a long way off for me right now but I have friends who are a few years ahead of me and I know it will pass!

Lastly, surrounding yourself with supportive people is really important, as is detaching yourself from anyone who doesn’t get it.

Wishing her all the best and happy for her she has such a caring friend.

Thank you so much @JoyousPoetThis is all so
helpful.

She is struggling at the moment to get him to mediation to make childcare arrangements. He is currently holding it over her as a tool: ‘why would i
agree to the mediation you want if you don’t do….x…for me?’ The thing he is pushing for over and over again is access to her. He wants to be in a room with her so that he can get his control back. So he’s pushing for them to do things together with the children, or to go to (more) counselling together, or for him to put the children to bed in their home. It’s all ruse so he can get near her and waterboard her in person like he always used to.

She is so convinced that the law will be against her and that his behaviour is so insidious and difficult to notice if you don’t know what you’re looking at, that she’ll never get them to see.

For instance, she has heaps of evidence of him touching her against her will and coercing her into physical intimacy by hammering her with hundreds of messages going on and on and on and on about how withholding is abusive to him, but he spins it as him being a victim of her cold refusal to allow him
near to her. He makes it sound reasonable. Of course there is nothing wrong with his behaviour. He just loves her. She just never let the relationship work because she was uncaring and cold. HE was just trying to make it work. She didn’t do anything to repair their marriage - she made it fail, then cruelly left him for no reason and now he’s homeless and staying with his parents. There is no need for any of it. He’s being punished and he doesn’t get it… poor him.

It’s such a horrible situation. I’m sorry you are going through similar. Is there anything those around you have done that helped you in particular? I feel so helpless. I want to scoop them all up and get them away.

Abusers can’t do mediation. She needs to get a certificate saying she’s exempt from mediation due to DA and go straight to court for a CAO.

I think the first thing she needs to do though is speak to a DA support service so she understands the whole picture about what she has been through and that he will never be reasonable. They totally get it and see the same patterns played out daily, so they can give great advice about how to best protect herself and the kids.

In terms of supporting your friend, just be there as you are! Listen and keep telling her she has done nothing wrong - it’s all him. The years of abuse will have affected her confidence in herself and her decisions.