Opinions on children changing

[Futureproof97]

My husband (28m) and I (27f) have been together 8 years, married 1. I have always been fairly impartial about wanting children, if it happens then great, if it doesn't then fine.
He has always been keen on having children and wants to experience being a Dad and wants to carry on his family line, he agrees he does not want children right now but very much wants to in the future.
I however am finding the older I get, the less I want children and am worried I will never want them - I see my friends with their babies/children and I just cannot see myself in that situation.

Has anyone else felt like this and how do they navigate that in their relationship?

I couldn’t imagine having kids when I was in my late 20s! For years I said I didn’t want them - I’ve got a decent “vocational” sort of job and always prioritised that. Things changed when I got into my 30s, and I had my daughter at 35. It’s the best. I’ve discovered a whole new type of love, more intense than anything I’ve ever experienced before. Watching her grow and introducing her to the world is my greatest joy. I’m a kinder, more empathetic person since she’s been born. I can’t believe how much she’s enriched my life! Yes there’s some sleep disruption and you have to adapt a bit, but they’re not little for long in the grand scheme of things. People do moan about kids a lot - I don’t get it really, it put me off a bit too. I make sure I don’t do it. I’m lucky to have her.

I was the same, absolute zero interest in having kids in my 20s and 30s. Too busy enjoying life travelling, building a career etc. But something changed in my late 30s and i suddenly had a yearning. Had 2 kids in my 40s and honestly, I love being a mum. It’s been surprising to me how much I love it. My kids are 3 and 4 now and it’s just getting better and better. So yeah, things can change but as another poster said, it is better to be transparent with your partner on how you’re feeling if the feeling is very strong.

my yearning kicked in once I’d lived abroad and traveled the world and I became “ok, now I want to experience a different kind of life”

I think this is one of the problems with getting into a serious "forever" relationship at such a young age - you must have been 19 when you got together?
You will both change a lot, particularly in your 20s and 30s and it's no surprise, nor something to feel guilty about, if your views on things like children have changed.

I wouldn't worry too much about it yet unless he is desperate to have children now and is pressuring you to have them.

If you feel very strongly about it then of course you need to say something now because it's not fair not to, but if you are just wondering if motherhood is for you then I would give it a bit longer because your feelings may well change again.

Having children is an amazing experience with lots of positives but it's also hard, has many ups and downs along the way and comes with no guarantees. You may have a child with a disability, for example, who needs a lot of extra care.

It's said to be like throwing a hand grenade into your relationship and I think that's very true. You have to be a rock solid couple to withstand it. Any cracks will be exposed.

So take your time and really explore your feelings before you discuss this fully with your husband.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

My husband and I felt the same. However in my early thirties we felt differently so we agreed to have 1. We didn’t want a huge lifestyle change but we wanted to experience having a child. She is the best thing ever. It’s been hard and some times are tough but it doesn’t surpass the joy of being her mom every day.

Being honest with your husband is important, you have lots of time still. Everybody will say something different but if you have real reservations I wouldn't be having any children. Your husband says he wants them but will he support and share the work and responsibility? I was always sure I wanted children and my husband was keen too. But I feel very alone as a parent. The drudgery and exhaustion are real. Being a cook, cleaner, carer, and PA are 24/7. Baby will need and want you, it is overwhelming and all consuming. I adore my 18M old, he's the best thing ever, and it is magical. It is the best and hardest thing. No love compares to it but, I couldn't imagine anything worse if I hadn't been sure in the first place that I wanted kids...I was 32 when I had my boy. If you have friends and family with children that is good as they understand and would hopefully support. Have you had much contact with babies/children for the maternal instincts to kick in? Might also help you decide.

I didn’t want kids at all…until I just…did.

Think I was 29 when that happened, 31 when I had my first.

I mean, is it hard? Of course! But. I just spent the afternoon with my 15 year old; we had lunch, browsed the charity shops, the record shops, and just hung out chatting and having a laugh. She’s completely fabulous and actually probably my favourite person in the world.

But you gotta be sure because the first 5 years are probably the most fun period of your life, but also the most exhausting.

Maybe you need to put a date on it? Like age 30 maybe; if you don’t want them by then, it’ll be time for him to make a decision. I dunno, might be unworkable, but you both need time to figure out what you really want as you mature.

It's much easier for a man to "have" kids than a woman. Women still take the major hit to their lives in every aspect - work, social, financial, responsibility for another human being. To say nothing of the affect on your body and potentially your health. He might want to continue "his blood line" but you'll be the major contributor towards his glorious dream.

I wasn't ever that keen on babies per se, but I was interested in what, for example, a 7 year old child of mine would be like, or what a teenager of my own would want to talk about. I also thought that I would enjoy cooking for a family (I love cooking) and would like having days out / adventures with a family.

So thats why I had a child. I gritted my teeth through the baby years because I sensed I would enjoy the older years more, and that's definitely been the case. I really love life now. I love the routine of having a child in primary school - the feeling of community and the friends I've made as an adult with other families in the areas. My DD is so funny with the things she comes out with. I love seeing her develop and grow. She is a kind girl, and is full of vibrancy and life. She is good company. The feeling it gives me when she's had a good day is very satisfying in a way I had never understood before I had a child.

I'm almost the opposite of you. I knew from quite young (mid teens) that I did NOT want children - this was unusual at the time (early to mid 70s) ... perhaps not unusual to think it, but certainly unusual to say so ... and I got a lot of comments about how selfish I was (I've never quite understood that attitude tbh).

Anyway I married at 22; my husband and I were both agreed that we didn't want kids.

Fast forward 12 years to my mid 30s and I started to get broody. Absolute cliche! Some women just have a ticking time bomb in their bodies. Two years later I was pregnant (by another man) and getting a divorce.

The second marriage was a mistake - we just weren't compatible - but I have never regretted having my daughter, she brought love and light into my life.

So, what I am saying is, you may well change your mind over the next 5-10 years. Your DH isn't pressing you to do it now is he, so I think you should stop fretting about it and just wait and see what the next 5 years brings. You have plenty of time in front of you.

Why so sneery because a man wants children? You’ve absolutely no idea what this particular man is like and if he expects his wife to blow up her life while his continues unimpeded.

’Glorious dream’ 🙄

Because it's true. The OP said he wanted to continue his blood line but he won't be giving birth, his body will not be altered or health compromised in any way. And at the end of the day, if he chooses to walk away (which isn't exactly unheard of) then the responsibility, or at least the vast majority of it, will be hers. The OP asked for opinions and these are worth considering. Nothing sneery about that.

You shouldn’t look at other people’s family lives as a standard for having children yourself. Nothing can you prepare you for the primal attachment and love you feel for your own. You fall in love and nothing is the same again. I agree with the pp who said that adult children are such a pleasure. Our lives have been such a joy with children - scary, fraught, frustrating at times but we don’t regret a single second.

Had my first at 35, second at 40. Best thing I ever did and would never be without them. Having said that, glad I waited (maybe a bit earlier would have been good but circumstances were what they were), but if you really don’t feel it, don’t do it. I agree your DH has time and so do you for a few more years too.