Husband shouted and swore at me in front of his mum.

[Strawberrypjs]

So he did this all the time and I finally left him. He used to do it in front of his mum and what I don’t understand is she messaged me and repeatedly asked me to take him back. She was in an abusive marriage herself that she eventually got out of. We are not together but his mum is still very close to him and doesn’t seem bothered at all that he treated me so badly. I don’t understand. Would you not be upset with your child if they behaved so badly and hurt someone?

Well you know now why he behaves the way he does and why he thinks it's acceptable. He learned at his parents' knees.

She probably doesn't recognise it because it happened to her

Perhaps but she divorced him finally because of the abuse so she new enough.

She wants you to take him back because she doesn't want him living with her.

I dont know how common it is but most abusive men i have known personally have had a mum who has enabled the behaviour in a "my son would never..." kind of way, even when it was happening right in front of them. There was always an excuse or way to blame the victim.

She was in an abusive marriage herself

Forgive her. It's very complicated with her own history, loving her son, feeling conflicted, being unable to protect him fully, blaming herself but cognitive dissonance meaning she can't face it.

You've been trained to look for how things can be the woman's fault, even when it's the man doing it. Better to see her as a fellow traveller in pain and understand how difficult it all is.

There'll be some narrative she's running like 'my poor son went through so much watching his abusive father he needs empathy' blah blah. Or 'it's just a bit of shouting'.

She has enabled him to abuse me. She held our 6 month old and backed away whilst he verbally laid into me and raised his hand. I am not sure if I have forgiveness for her I’m afraid. She wanted me to go back to him and let our child grow up in this.

Yeah he went through a lot and now so did I and so did our young child who is away from it all now. I can’t fix him, that was her job a long time ago to get him into therapy because he needed it.

Well she's his mother. If he murdered you she'd very probably stand by him. Most mothers do just that. Plenty of posters on MN have said they'd help their child cover up a crime - any crime - rather than hand them over to the Police.

There is absolutely no reason why you should forgive her though - she's made her choice, you are free to make yours and have nothing to do with her.

Congratulations on gaining your independence. You don't need to forgive ex's mother, just move on and be happy.

Gosh you are still looking for a woman to blame for his behaviour?! You realised it wasn’t your fault but it can’t be purely him so now it’s his mum’s fault??

why do we only do this with men? I’ve never seen a post where a woman behaves badly and lots of people say ‘yeah it must have been her mum not bringing her up right’.

There will be so very much your DC will blame you for at some point and then you’ll realise that people do the best they can and it’s not always someone else’s version of good enough.

Where is he living now? Has he moved in with her? Thats the only reason I can think of that she's asking you to take him back.

She is blind to her son's behaviour and probably has cognitive dissonance. She's telling you to behave like she did and has a high tolerance for unacceptable behaviour.

I've seen it on here, people saying it's only name calling or it wasn't really sexual assault. There's a lot of minimising and defensiveness.

It's difficult to forget someone standing back while you're being abused but she's in her own fog. Move on.

You need to get yourself well away from both of them. She is defending him because he is her son- you cannot do anything about that. But what you can start doing is modelling to YOUR son what behaviour is acceptable and what isn’t. Can you move?

Stop giving a shit what she thinks/wants, it's no longer your concern. Just block her if she's still messaging you.

get some therapy & focus on healing & moving forward in a healthy way.

And don’t blame her for his behaviour. She is responsible for her own behaviour but not his.

I think that's the nub of it, really.

Good point. You don't need to have a relationship with her at all now. You won't change her mind, so let her get on with her life while you crack on with yours.

I’m blaming her for the messages asking me to return to him knowing full well by witnessing him what he was doing to me. He is responsible for what he did to me but she is asking me to take him back. She has been telling me that I shouldn’t break the family etc.

Maybe just block her?

You could point out that he (and not you) broke up the family in his behaviour.

But tbh, I wouldn’t even bother get into it, why should she have cared about his behaviour more than him?

Block her, there's no need for any contact with her, which is good. You could tell her it's actually her shitty domestic abuser of son who deliberately broke his family and your life is much improved as a result, before blocking her.

Her own abuse history is part of it. Possibly she watched her dad terrorise her mum as well. It's been normalised for her, even if she did leave the abusive husband eventually. You don't have to go back to him and you don't have to forgive either of them.

Not his own father’s job? Not his own job when he became an adult?

It’s worth unpicking it because I suspect the same script about women being at fault and to blame is probably not helping your own mental health.

Some mothers simply can't see any faults in their sons.