Separation difficulties

[DDM11]

my husband has left me and our 2 kids twice in 7 months.
i. Was devastated the first time and now feel a fool when he came back telling me he needed/wanted me.

now he has decided he doesn’t want me and doesn’t love me.

on the flip side of this he is insisting he will help me find a house (one I’m in will be to expensive to keep single) and is trying to throw money at me. He also want to be friends with me and do ‘family’ things in the future.

im absolutely devastated and don’t know what to do, im trying to not be nasty or ungrateful but at the same time im crushed as I’ve been rejected. Twice.

has anyone any advice/wise words or anything that can many help me with how to be with him in this situation?
through All this I’ve also lost my best friend so not able to talk to her.

thanks.

Get legal advice. CAB is free.

I bet you can afford to stay in that house once you’ve taken him to the cleaners? You need a lawyer.

First thing I would be doing is making clear boundaries with him and contacting legal advice. He is not your friend.
All the best xx

My advice would be to seek legal advice as a matter of urgency. You only get one bite of the cherry with a divorce settlement, and you need to know where you stand.

It is not up to him to decide on your next home. It is up to you.

Make sure you have all financial information - savings, debts, pensions, salaries - to give an accurate picture to the lawyer.

Take any money he is offering you and put it away. You'll need it.

1. Take his money.

1. Don't be pushed into leaving the house by him "helping" you. Be deeply suspicious of his motives there.

1. Get legal advice asap. They will probably advise you to stay put in the house until financial settlements are sorted in your divorce/legal separation.

I'm sorry you've lost your friend as well. I hope she wasn't involved with him.

Advice? Get tough, don’t be grateful for his breadcrumbs. As PP has said - see a lawyer, do the maths, work out a plan. And do it yourself - if you rely on him for help you’ll keep feeling dependent, it’s not good for your MH. How do you be with him? Simple answer’s that you don’t, any more than is necessary for the kids. He’s not your friend any more, maybe he will be one day in the future but for now you’ve got to steel yourself to being completely unemotional about him. It’s time to work on the future for you and the kids - focus on you, not him.
Big girl pants on, release your inner tough bitch 😂

I'd also recommend you don't try to do "family days" at this stage.

-It muddies the waters and gives him too much access to you.
-It may also confuse the children instead of reassuring them.
-It allows him to salve his conscience and pretend what he's done isn't so bad, while you have to pretend he hasn't stabbed you in the heart.
-He may be using you so he doesn't have to parent his own kids. (Gets to be the "family man" without the work).

In a year or two, (if things don't turn sour when he realises you're not going to be a pushover in the divorce), then see how you feel about it.

In the meantime, he can deal with the fallout of his actions.

agreeTake control of this situation. Allow him to help you find a house, but you ultimately decide where you live. He can have contact with the children a custody arrangement, but no family days out. You're not a family. It would not be appropriate.

Just want to say again if the house is owned:

don't leave the family home until you've had proper legal advice.

It's in his interests to get you out. Not yours.

Thank you everyone.

feeling incredibly low. This has only been 2 months since we moved to a completely new area (for him to get a job he wanted)
so I don’t know anyone just now. And not got a job now either. The school runs are incredibly tough.
my family are 450 miles away so can’t even rely on a sister cuddle.

I will try that big pants and sit with a notebook and see what I can figure out.

thank you

It's really important that you take a step back and think about what YOU want.

Do you want to move back to your previous area for family support?

Remember that your children will adapt to whatever you decide is in their best interests. (It is invariably the woman who will put her children first.)

Divorce is always a horrible business, so you need to channel your inner warrior woman and keep your eyes on the prize - which is a better future for you and your children.

You will probably go through a grieving process, which is totally natural given that you've had the rug ripped out from underneath you. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself.

It's important that you emotionally detach from him, and from the situation. You have to be strong, pragmatic, and don't let him bully you.