Being content without many friends

[EmeraldRoulette]

Just wanted to get this out of my head and onto paper so to speak. Long post alert.

TLDR version -I think I've made peace with the lack of friends thing, but that in itself is a weird feeling! Has anyone else had this? And did it last - the feeling of peace?

As some regulars may know, I was very upset and posted a lot on here because most of my friends seemed to disappear over lockdown. A few of them told me how happy they were and they don't plan to change their lives back again.

Add in people disappearing into marriage and children and it left me feeling very isolated and I really struggled.

Good news, I think I might have come out the other side of this tunnel. I feel okay about it all. I have found a local social thing once a month. It's pretty dead and to be honest I don't think it's going to last, but I seem to be okay with that.

I think I've made friends with one individually (i'm now very careful about using the term friend) and we see each other maybe once a month. She lives down the road so it's very easy to have a cuppa together.

I left London about two years ago. I wanted to do it for ages. I'm really enjoying living in a quiet place.

It's such a turnaround for me, being okay with not having friends. I suppose I'm posting partly to get my head round it. But I also have this worry - it's going to be incredibly weird for me when mum's gone, I will feel very isolated.

and if I get ill or whatever I'll be navigating it on my own.

It feels like a long emotional journey - losing friends who were around for 20 years in some cases, trying to process all that, trying to meet new people, realising what an unpleasant experience that is a lot of the time, and then making peace with it.

So I suppose I just wanted to tell someone that it had happened.

I do feel conscious that on the rare occasion I socialise, I'm maybe quite boring - but I don't feel bored.

I hope I'm doing the right thing, but I think I might finally be settling down. And making peace with myself. But I felt the need to share that with someone. 😂

I’ve been through a similar journey and feel like I’m at a similar place in some ways. I think I don’t really need friends (as in being emotionally dependent on people) but I’d still like friends (company, human interaction, people to play with). I think we all thrive with a bit of the right kind of company. I wonder if there’s a little bit of doubt creeping in for you because you’re going a little bit towards an extreme by convincing yourself that you’re content when you still actually feel a bit isolated and anxious.

I'm really glad you are making peace with yourself.

I've always found the hardest thing about not having friends has been the social stigma of it: people regard me as odd because I don't. Getting my late diagnosis of Autism has helped with that because its somehow released me from the guilt of being a loner.

I think the fact you have found an individual to share a cuppa with and a monthly social event sounds absolutely brilliant. I would love to be able to cope with that level of social situation.

I'm sure you aren't boring. I find " social butterflies " boring actually.

All best wishes going forward OP.

You depict other people as ‘disappearing’ on you, either by deciding they wanted to continue to live a solitary lockdown lifestyle, or by marrying and having children and being less available, but if you moved away from London to somewhere quiet, surely you ‘disappeared’ too? I think it might be helpful to take ownership of that decision.

However, I agree with @FloraBotticelli that there’s almost as much doubt as contentment in your post. You are clearly looking ahead to after your mother’s death with some trepidation, and worrying about leading a very solitary life. I think that niggling worry is telling you something, and that you shouldn’t dismiss it.

@Lifeishardwork thank you, that's helpful to know

@IfIDid I didn't disappear. I'm still only an hour away from central London so if those friendships were still going, they would still be going if you see what I mean. In some cases, I am physically closer to those people living where I live now. I just mentioned the "leaving London" bit because it has brought me so much contentment.

I haven't disappeared on on anyone. Even the people who ghosted me were notified of My change of address. (But those people are in the past. I don't particularly need to think about them anymore).

@FloraBotticelli I was thinking the opposite. I'm not isolated anymore - it may be more the fact of no longer feeling isolated that's led me to feel peace? Like having a local "friend" and the monthly social thing is enough. I've been so isolated, it feels like a treat! If I was going to try and "plan" life, I would say that's not enough and I need way more social interaction. But now I've seen how easily good friends vanish, it doesn't feel worth putting more investment in, especially when it's quite depressing to do.

. It's like I've got to just put my big girl pants on and if I got really ill and there was no one to help me, I just have to live with that. I had a spinal injury a few years ago and my friends were there to help all the time.

When I take mum to appointments, we are often told how many people, elderly people, are turning up alone and generally have no one to help them. I suppose it's hard to get my head around the fact that will be me (although even my poor mother wouldn't wish that length of life on anyone but I've had a fair bit of ill health when young, so, you never know what's going to happen)

But then when the older time comes, I'd probably move into a retirement block anyway. I was originally going to do it at 55. But I think that's probably a bit too young. Whole separate thread.

I have one good friend, and she sadly lives hundreds of miles away. I’d love to have someone local, but I’ve likewise made peace with the fact my life is as it is. I do enjoy a quick polite chat with people in my yoga class, in the local shop if it’s not busy, or at afternoon tea after church, but that’s pretty much it.
I was very thrown years ago when a woman I thought was a good friend dumped me and became friends with my ex when I divorced (she was Catholic), I’d rather be in my own company than have that!

But now I've seen how easily good friends vanish, it doesn't feel worth putting more investment in, especially when it's quite depressing to do.

That’s abandonment wounds talking, lovely. If you read back over your OP you’ll see how doubtful you sound. I think you’re trying to protect yourself from hurt by convincing yourself that you’re okay.

Retirement home at 55? No way! 75, maybe. Big maybe….
Few friends? Is fine, it’s quality not quantity. But we all need human contact!
I moved out of London years ago - there still a couple of friends there I see maybe once a year, we’ll arrange a day out for meal & whatever. It’s all we need.
But don’t think of yourself as boring - we all have value, it’s just that our value is different to different people, so we’re better off being with the ones that see us for what we’re worth.
Just do the things you enjoy doing, go to the places you want to see, try new things - you’ll come across people who enjoy the same.

I think people don't like the thought of someone who hasn't many/any friends being content or happy.
For years if you had no friends you were called sad, Billy no mates, so the thought of someone who hasn't friends being happy and content means people who have friends can't look down on them and feel superior anymore.

So people will still try and knock you down by picking apart your post and making out you cannot possibly be content just so they can feel better than you.

Slightly different as I do have a DH (but apart from uni age ds no other family), but no friends. Coming to terms with that, and accepting that friendship just isn’t something that happens for me has actually been super positive. I’ve stopped beating myself up over it, no longer feel like I need to make more of an effort to find friends, and instead just enjoy doing stuff by myself

I do have adult DC, but they are enough for me in terms of social contact. I don't dislike people, just find that I don't have much in common with most of them!

I can be friendly and chatty when required but I don't "miss" being around people. People always say we are social creatures but I'm not sure all of us are. The fact is whenever I go to do something, I generally enjoy it more alone. I like being able to follow my own schedule and do what I fancy. I really enjoy my own company.

I didn't feel particularly supported when I did have friends, so it's not something I feel a lack of. The flipside is you also need to be supportive to them, and I don't miss that at all!

I rarely get bored or lonely. An old friend messaged a while back wanting a phone catch up and I said yes, but then she didn't call and tbh I just felt relieved. She's a perfectly nice person but I just didn't feel we had much to "catch up" on.

On the odd occasion I do feel lonely, it's lack of a partner I'm missing, not friends. I can amuse myself much of the time. I don't actually want a partner either. But if I did want "someone" it would be a partner I'd be seeking and not friends.

I'm in quite a different place, at 50 I have more friends (3 good ones) than I ever did when I was young.
For years I felt there was something wrong with me and like @Lifeishardwork said the social stigma really knocked my confidence.

The thing that changed for me was that I started believing that people actually liked me and I think that changed my behaviour. I didn't preemptively keep people at a distance anymore.
I also now have a job where I work with lots of like-minded people, spend good chunks of time with others and am more proactive reaching out.

I have different interests and sense of humour to others which means I don't find a lot of people interesting. That probably makes me sound snobby but I feel ok admitting it here. I am also very slow to feel comfortable with people. Both of these things mean that I don't make friends easily.

I have some good friends but they don't live locally as I moved away from my home area for work. I have only made one good friend in this area and that's enough for me, we meet up about once a month for lunch/coffee or a shopping trip. I see my other friends, who live at a distance, maybe once every 2 months. But that's enough for me, after a week working with lots of people, I don't want to be constantly socialising with others at weekends, I need my own space to recover and relax. I don't feel that relaxed around other people and feel I have to put on a social face so it's hard work. I really like my friends but am usually tired of them by the end of our meeting up. Everyone is different so don't worry if you haven't got a massive friendship group and are constantly off on girls' weekends and partying... not everyone likes that sort of thing. I'm with you on the retirement village to gain a support network! 😊

That makes no sense.

Don't you think that it can be a pragmatic decision not to put that investment in again though, given the OPs experiences @FloraBotticelli ?

Yes, it makes logical sense due to the deep hurt from the past held in the nervous system. But it doesn’t follow that it’s a healthy, sustainable decision that will lead to contentment. The unease is coming out in OP’s writing showing she still has some work to do to process things. Once she processes things, she might find she naturally comes to a different conclusion about what she needs to feel truly at ease:

I also have this worry - it's going to be incredibly weird for me when mum's gone, I will feel very isolated.
and if I get ill or whatever I'll be navigating it on my own.
It feels like a long emotional journey - losing friends who were around for 20 years in some cases, trying to process all that, trying to meet new people, realising what an unpleasant experience
I hope I'm doing the right thing,

Thanks for the interesting range of answers

I'm surprised to have arrived in this place

But pleasantly so! I know lots of people are fine with a quiet life. I just didn't really expect to be one of them! But it's good.

@IsItWickedNotToCare to be honest, the retirement village was always in my plan, but not for support. It was more because it's the only place you can live that doesn't have little kids running around. But my mum knows a couple of people who live in them and they really like it.

Both the blocks of flats I've lived in have had a good sense of community, so I would want to continue that yes. But now I do see that a diversification of age would probably be a good idea. So maybe the retirement flat is on delay!

I get it. After some bad experiences I don't think I'd ever try the actively seeking friends approach again. I found it to be a bad combination of depressing and ineffective. I'll hold on to the friends I have but it's possible that they might lose interest in me.

Said this before but I wish that there was more guidance on how to live well when socially isolated rather than the usual advice that doesn't work for everyone. I mean there's all sorts of things that can't always be solved but there are ways to make it more manageable and this shouldn't be any different.

Looking at my life you’d assume I was uber sociable, busy every weekend seeing friends for dinner etc.. but if I’m honest I’m not the popular one.. dh is charismatic and sociable and I feel I have to make the effort for him. I’m in my 50’s and don’t work so I do feel I need the stimulation of social contact even though I don’t crave it.

it does make me feel as if there’s something wrong with me as all our friends are sociable. My dd craves people and close friendships but sadly my ds is happy with his gf and no one else.

Agreed.

@EmeraldRoulette
I’m really pleased for you.

You sound genuinely settled and comfortable in yourself.

Your set-up with your friend down the road and socialising once a month sounds perfect to me.

Ignore the doubters on here, it’s rubbish. No one needs multiple friends. Quality is far better than quantity.

@Lighteningstrikes thank you

I do have other people and other things, so it's not just those two things - but the other stuff is more in the realms of casual acquaintance. I'm starting to see the value of that though.

I think the two things can co-exist, OP - you can be content without friends but also apprehensive about how this might affect you in the future. Your post kind of resonated with me, as I let a couple of friendships go for my own sanity, but am now getting used a much smaller pool and the absence of the kind of friends who you check in with regularly. And I also am in a position where I potentially could be very isolated in the future and end up eaten my own cats. But fear is a bad advisor isn’t it, and we can’t keep on getting hurt so that we aren’t alone in the future?
It’s that complex thing isn’t it; on one hand people can be disappointing and hurtful. On the other, here we are posting on social media as a form of connection so we plainly want to seek out people.

This is exactly how I feel. I care about my friends but I don't like being around anyone for too long no matter who it is. Catching up with someone for a few hours a few times per year is more than enough for me and anything more than that would make me feel stifled. I don't want people putting expectations onto me or being overly involved and I'm perfectly content keeping them at arms length.