My husband has a gambling problem

[foxred96]

Hi everyone, I recently discovered that my husband has been gambling around £1,000 a month, which came as a huge shock. Two weeks ago, I asked him to send me three bank statements, and from those alone I saw he’d spent £500 a month on gambling. After that, I demanded access to his phone and checked his online banking, where I found another £1,500 spent in the last three months, making it closer to £1,000 monthly overall.
He claims not all of this money was his — he says his brother often asks him to place bets for him, which I’ve actually witnessed before, so I do believe that to an extent. Still, I had no idea how much money was really going out. I always assumed it was about £50 a month — nowhere near what I found.
Since then, he’s taken some steps like blocking his bank cards and signing up for GamStop, which prevents him from using gambling sites. Despite that, I’ve still asked for some time apart because I honestly don’t know how to move forward from this. I feel really torn.
We’re due to go on holiday next Saturday with our children, and I’m thinking of waiting until after the trip to have a proper conversation with him and request to see his full bank statements going forward. I’m still very unsure whether I want to stay or leave.
To add to it, we’ve just finished 8 sessions of Relate couples counselling, as there were already ongoing issues in our marriage. This situation has only added more confusion and hurt.
I’d really appreciate any advice, thoughts, or if anyone’s been through something similar — what helped you decide what to do next?

Gambling, like any addiction needs the person with the problem to have the resolve to fix it. He has to want to stop gambling to make it happen. Nothing you do can force it. He does seem to have taken some positive steps so that’s encouraging. If he was already under pressure (sounds like it from the Relate comments you make) it’s not really surprising he gambled more than usual. Only you know of the problems in your marriage are worth fixing and whether you want to try. Every addict is different. I hope you can find happiness but know you can’t fix him, only he can do that.

What you know for sure is that if it carries on, it will destroy you both, like any addiction. So there’s 2 questions-
If he definitely kicks the habit, will you be happy together?
And how will you be sure he will kick it - forever - and then not replace it with another addiction? If you’re always going to feel you need to check, you’ll never relax.

Time to separate both mentally and physically from him now.

What he has done will not always work out either. There are other cards, other gambling sites .

He is not trying to address the root causes of his gambling through therapy and it’s practically impossible to do this without outside professional help from the likes of Gamcare. The temptation is always there.

You need help and support too. It does your children and you no good at all to remain with this man because he will continue to drag you all down with him. He could well leave you either penniless or bankrupt: those either are likely outcomes. The gambling and all the other problems associated with this cannot be the cornerstone of their childhoods. You have a choice re this man , they do not. Do not continue to try and rescue and or save him, being a rescuer or saviour never works.

gamfam.org.uk

You need to separate finances.

If I could rewind time I’d have left no question., addicts usually lie., maybe you know the full picture, maybe you don’t., he was hiding it and you discovered it.,was he immediately open vs defensive, accountable? Would he have told you voluntarily? If some was his brothers had he been totally transparent about values and has he agreed to not place bets on his behalf as he intends to stop himself so can’t be exposed to temptation. Will he tell his brother why he can’t and admit he has developed a problem., will he take up the free counselling you can get via gamcare etc? Does he accept he must proactively take steps to stop this. Does he have any debt? Often there are secret credit cards and loans. Lots of money juggling to hide can’t pay routine bills as frittered . Working late , staying up late alone all perfect ways to disguise time spent gambling online. It is never possible to fully trust again but the key thing is can he empathise with you or are you expected just to suck it up and move on and does he thinks he can fix it without professional support which will force him to confront what he’s done ., is he willing to not have access to bank accounts to reduce risk- lots advice is partner takes over management. Do you want this burden? Do you want to try but then promise yourself anything hidden/ relapse means you get out. So much depends on his attitude., quite often it’s the addiction causing the problems in a relationship and not the other way around as was suggested above. I was told that the guilt and shame and the necessity of needing to hide it from me made him blame me- my existence meant he was hiding it from me which gave him permission to be vile to me., it also gave me confidence that this was the issue and now out in open it would get better but it only did briefly- it was an excuse for bad behaviour and appeared as if it was self reflection and accountability but now every time there’s nastiness towards me I wonder if it’s happening again or if it’s just personality. Decades in I don’t care and actually would welcome it as a reason I’m allowed to leave. Just be careful. Get informed, gamcare will support you and suggest ways forwards. Don’t be made to feel it’s your responsibility to fix/ stay . Don’t agree to keep it secret from anyone else.

I would always tell someone to leave a gambling addict.

I was almost bankrupted by one. Never again.

If you stay at the very least he needs intensive counselling and you need separate finances.

£1000 a month! Depending on how long it's been going on you could be talking tens of thousands.
That money could be going on holidays, pensions, reducing credit card debt, paying the mortgage down, saving for DCs uni costs...

I know you said he's taken some steps (GamStop, blocking bank cards) but in your heart of hearts do you think he's really taking it seriously?

He was spending an absurd amount of money so going cold turkey isn't going to be easy, especially if he hasn't really come to terms with/admitted the severity of the problem.

Have you checked both of your credit files to make sure he’s not in debt? I would walk away. And I say that as an ex addict. Addicts lie. Addicts do whatever they can to get their fix and will walk all over you and destroy your life to get it. Most don’t actually WANT to get better as that takes hard work and perseverance, an awful amount of self reflection and tons of accepting responsibility for your actions and failures.

He is an addict. He will drag you down and leave you in financial ruin.

As the child of a gambling addict please leave for the sake of your kids. They always say they will change and they will get help but only when they are caught. Don't let him financially ruin you and fuck up your children's futures.

Thankyou everyone for the messages, it’s been really insightful and it’s made me think a lot about my next steps, we’re still currently living apart and he said he is willing to let me have full control over finances, if those are the measures I need to take.

Leave him and cut all ties before you're dragged down, down, down into his mess. You'll feel the weight lifted from your shoulders and you'll be able to sleep well at night. That's just for starters. You will be million times happier in your own. He's an arse.