Abusive partner or not ?

[MMumOfTwoBoys]

So we've been together for 10 years and have 2 kids. Both under 5. My 5 year old is sensitive and particular. I feel my partner is uncalled for and he thinks I'm over exaggerating.

So my 5 year old may walk slow and my partner will have a face on and be moody saying "why you moving like a fucking snail for" or if he is upset because he spilt his drink (I never tell him off for kid things like this) his dad says " stop crying like a girl" and expressions like "stop being able little bitch". I hate this ! I feel it is lowering my sons self esteem. He also tells me I'm too soft and he wants him to toughen up. My son is very sensitive...it's just his nature. He is so bright, clever, funny and happy but he does have his sensitive ways which i feel he has traits of Autism which I'm looking into.

Also my partner tells me how I never put out and I'm miserable. Yet he goes to work, comes home ...practically chills, moans if I overspend or forget things. I feel he has got lots of red flags.!

I can be snappy and short but with him being a 3rd child and doing nothing and I'm literally bringing the boys up ALONE because he works sleeps and smokes ...I feel I'm entitled to be moody and tired and unmotivated.

Anyone have advice or think I'm over exaggerating?

I can’t believe how your DP talks to the children. Swearing and using words like “bitch” is completely unacceptable - how will you both feel when your DC start using such words back to you (and they will)? Of course your DP is being abusive - the question is: what are you going to do about it?

I feel so sad for your little boy:(
Definitely abusive.
He sounds horrible.
Please make plans to leave—show your DC that this is not how anyone deserves to be treated.

If you don't leave your son will grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women. It's a cycle

Absolutely abusive.

What a nasty man.

Your poor son.

I feel my partner is uncalled for

That's about the size of it, what's the point of him?

Anyone have advice?

Any advice to fix him? Or to agree with you that you'd be better off without him in your and your children's lives? You know what you need to do @MMumOfTwoBoys , it won't be easy, it'll all be your fault 🙄, but you know the truth and you know you need to protect your children. And yourself

Op your poor son, yes your h is abusive and is bullying your son, good parenting skills it what he lacks, your gut is telling you, so listen,

Your should be around kind loving parent not a bully, of he spills a drink that's fine it's an accident, you know this,
Sounds like you son doesn't want to be around his dad, he's made to feel little that's what bullies do, your h has the problem op not your son,
Children need to feel safe and secure and loved, not threatened and stupid
Please protect him from this abusive man

Also my partner tells me how I never put out and I'm miserable. Yet he goes to work, comes home ...practically chills, moans if I overspend or forget things. I feel he has got lots of red flags.!

I'm going to ignore the bit about your child and ask why you are putting up with him regarding yourself? He is not a partner in any way, he is not equal or supportive or kind or anything bordering a decent human being. Why do you consider yourself so worthless as to accept his shit offerings?

My ex is like this towards our child. Children’s services haven’t really cared because our child lives with me so they seem them to be “safe”. I had to apply to change the CAO which stopped visits and only allows FaceTime contact because the emotional harm it caused was off the charts. It destroys their self esteem, confidence and leaves them suffering with horrific anxiety. It’s taken a lot of therapy and encouragement to get that back for my child and give them the tools to set boundaries and stand up for themselves. He doesn’t change his behaviour, but my child is empowered to step away from the contact by ending the call when overwhelmed and is much happier and healthier for it.

I can’t imagine how your child will feel with this going on 24/7. My child is 8 and as they grow and become more aware of what’s right/wrong they become more affected by negative behaviour. Your son will suffer and your daughter will grow to learn that is what is acceptable because she sees how her brother and mum are treated - You have to ask yourself what you would say to her if she was in that kind of relationship when she’s older.

You need to do something now hun, I would put my foot down and insist on family therapy, which may improve things all round - if he won’t change, you and your kids deserve better. X

Your poor little boy, I feel so sad for him.
You know this is abusive, question is what are you going to do about it

He's disgusting.

'Never put out' ?! You're not a slot machine. Sex is for mutual pleasure. If you don't enjoy it, don't do it. And how on earth could you ever feel like sleeping with this horrible person?

He makes my skin crawl from here.

I would leave him and I would make it clear to my wee boy, 'Mummy left daddy because he's not very nice. I'm sorry he is mean to you to sometimes.You know I'm always here if you need to talk about it'.

Give your kid one safe place away from this bully as much as possible. Hopefully he won't be interested in being much of a dad.

Considering he is spiteful, remember, he will always want to do what he thinks inconveniences you. So if you act like it's important he see his child he will be more likely to reduce contact to spite you. Which is good. The less time he has around the kids the better.

But don't let your boy grow up in a home seeing his mother abused. There's nothing worse.
Hell feel he needs to put on a brave face and protect you...or, worse, become like his dad.

Get yourself and your kids out of there. Like, yesterday.

Well it sounds like my gut is right and I'm not being OTT and it is harsh so im not imagining it. So it looks like I will be chatting to him tonight about him finding somewhere else to live.

I didn't come on here to be judged..I'm not stupid ... as i was writing this thread I was thinking "omg why do you need reassurance , he is not enhancing any of our lives or making anyone happy" just some reassurance so thank you ! I also have no family to help me so that does scare me but ya know what...my boys come fr
irst and thats that...thank you!

Good luck op, you can do it.
Be safe though. Is it possible he may become violent when you ask him to leave? Have your phone at the ready to call the police if needed. Maybe do the break up in a public place?

I wonder if you could get him to think leaving is his idea? Then it might be easier to get him out.

Sorry, just realised you have two boys and I referenced a daughter in my last reply.

Don’t let him make you feel you are overreacting, because he will likely try it. People like him never see the problem with their behaviour, it’s always everyone else’s fault and they hardly ever change.

Its bloody hard to do what your about to, I have been on my own for years since we separated, but the peace I have in my life now is priceless. Good luck to you.

Thinking, to get him to leave, you could phrase it as you just being done with the relationship (don't mention the kids) as it's making you miserable. Then say 'do you want to move out and have the kids when you can or do you want to stay here and be the primary provider and do the school days ect...?'

Make it clear the home, comes with the bulk of the work of parenting.

If course this only works if he genuinely believes you could leave the kids on the weekdays. So might not fool him.

Good luck @MMumOfTwoBoys . Don't let him draw you into any discussions or arguments about your reasoning, don't give him anything to 'work' with. And please, as others have said, do whatever you need to do to be safe, men like this don't take kindly to others making decisions.

Good for you, op.

I hope you are free of him soon. And your boys.

Yeah he's not violent and wouldn't be. I'm just glad I'm doing it tonight and get it done with so we can move on(me and the boys)

Yeah I won't need to say any of that... he gets too overwhelmed taking my 5 year old to school so he doesn't take him. He gets to angry with traffic so I'm safe he want want to be primary carer at all. Xx

Aww op you are the boys Knight in shinning armour, good luck tonight,
Your boys will grow up strong and brave loved by you, make them the man who's kind hearted, giving of time, understanding of others with empathy 💐

Good luck OP. It's fine to say that you've had enough, the relationship is over without having to go into details or explanations. You can end it for any reason at all or none.

Yes but I meant to say it because it'll scare him out of the house if he thinks if he stays you'll leave and he'll have to do the work of parenting.

Because he's probably not going to want to leave. So it's finding a way to trick him into thinking it's his idea to go. If he thinks it'll upset you or make life harder for you if he leaves, chances are he'll be more inclined to go. Same thing if he thinks you'll go if he doesn't, but that'll mean he has to do more childcare than he already does. Then once he's out, get your locks changed asap.

Basically just keep in mind he will always want you to be inconvenienced. So in future if you for example, dont want the kids to go to him on a Saturday night, tell him you have plans, so he needs to take them. Chances are he will cancel on you at the last minute.

Basically, he seems that sort of person. And that can to some extent be manipulated to your advantage.

Yeah he's not violent and wouldn't be.

I hope you're right but it is wise not to dismiss the possibility. All physically abusive people had a first time.

Too angry with traffic? Overwhelmed?

What a weak little man he is.

God he sounds awful. Please get your little boy away from him.

Please stand up for your child. That language is vile and abusive. No one should have to listen to a foul potty mouthed bully of a man. Please don’t tell us you leave your child alone with him…….