Feeling lost and confused

[Moofus]

Hi all,
Wondering if anyone has felt similarly or been in a similar situation to this.

I am 36.

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. He is a lovely person, but lately I’ve felt disconnected and even want to be away from him. He’s not done anything wrong, I just have this feeling that I want to be “free” again. We hardly ever have sex and I keep coming up with excuses not to because…well, it just doesn’t do much for me. I’m his first real relationship and sex has never been great.

Lately I’ve been finding him really clingy and I just want space all the time. We decided no kids, though part of me wonders if I truly don’t want them or if I’m not having them for his sake. I’ve brought this up several times but it’s never resolved. I’m getting closer to 40 so this is dwindling each year.

This next bit is where I feel awful and I have needed to talk about this with someone for a while.

I met someone online through a mutual interest group. We live a long way apart (different countries) but we get on really well. Now and then we have conversations on the phone that last up to 5 hours. He said he liked me but has backed off a bit when I told him I’m married. No flirting, no red flags, but I think he still likes me but is being discreet about it. What’s messing me up is I like him too. Which I know is utterly crazy, because we have never met. This is all surface level.

Am I losing it? :( why am I like this?

For the record, I don’t think my friend knows any of this. I’d never say a word.
But these feelings have been consuming me and I don’t know why. I get excited when I see a message from him, I hate that I feel this way.

Stop chatting to the online guy. That's just muddying the waters.
You need to be clear on what you want for your future. Counselling (individual and/or couple) could help.
It sounds like your partner can feel you pulling away so they're being 'clingy'. They may start to wonder what they're getting from the relationship.

Life's too short. You're only 36, your marriage isn't working for you, and you may want to have children, only not with your current husband. I would put the phone friend our of my head for now and focus on whether you think there's anything worth saving in your marriage, or whether it's better to end it. Also, whether you would consider having a child on your own, or whether you would be seeking another relationship to potentially have a child in.

Most of us are one person relationship people . You have bonded emotionally with this other man so you have the ick ( hate that term ! ) for your husband .
Block this man from your phone , and get out / go for meals / days out / weekend a ways with your husband . You will start to appreciate him again .

Let me tell you, I have had a few connections with people online and once I met them it all changed. It's just a fantasy and reality is very different. I ended up not wanting to meet them because I was so sure it would ruin things. And it always did. You need to decide whether you want to split up with your husband regardless of this online fantasy. Think about life on your own Vs life with your husband. If you can easily imagine life without him then you'll have your answer.

Thank you everyone.
I do love my husband, and he is a good man.
I am an only child so part of me wanting kids is so I’m not alone, he has lots of siblings so I feel a bit of resentment in that case. He comes from a big family, mine is small and fragmented. It’s easy for him to say he doesn’t want kids.

I just can’t understand why I think of this other guy so much. How when he asks for a call or to hop online I feel like a teenager again. I know none of if is grounded in reality and I feel a bit embarrassed for feeling like this to be honest. And he’s still sending vague messages that he likes me, too. (Though I don’t know if that’s just in my head).
Its like a weird childish crush that I have.

You need to block online guy. He's messing with your head and just adding extra complications to your situation. If it helps imagine him as Bernard Manning sat in his pants (or someone as unsavoury).
The way you feel isn't about online guy it's about something missing/unsatisfactory in your own life.
Is your DP dead set about not having kids? Have you discussed it recently?
Would you consider fostering or mentoring?

Block online guy now. It’s not real. It’s stopping you seeing reality properly.

Married people who ‘love’ their spouse and have any respect for their marriage whatsoever, don’t spend 5 hours on the phone with another man - which presumably your husband knows nothing about.

This is an emotional affair. Have the self respect to at least leave your husband before kindling a relationship with someone else. Be prepared to discover that the grass is not always greener and you have potentially built up a childish fantasy in your head which will never materialise in ‘real life’.

He knows, it’s more like an online call while doing something else than a dedicated 1-on-1 call. I’ve never hidden anything from him.

I do love him and don’t want to upset anyone. It’s hard.

May I ask, in what way did these connections change?