AIBU to feel like dating is pointless?

[Lonely8]

I'm coming up to a year properly seperated though prior to this, the relationship was pretty much done for me 6 months before it officially ended and I was just going through the motions trying to salvage it because I felt like I should. Even before that stbxh had completely switched off (affair) for a year so even when i was in the marriage it was really lonely. I have a young toddler and stbxh is no longer involved with ds at all after I found out things about him that meant he was a risk to ds. So now I'm completely lone parenting and working towards divorce and I'm in my mid 30s.

I'm so effing lonely. At the start I really didn't care I was just trying to focus on myself and ds and get to a good place with things but now I've really started to feel it. I have a few great friends though I've had to move away from them in order to be able to afford housing on my own with ds and childcare costs and also to create distance between stbxh and ds. 100% of my time is spent either at work or looking after ds, the only down time I get to myself is when he's asleep at night but obviously that means I'm still tied to the house and id never have someone over unless I knew them well especially if ds was there. My family kindly do a bit of childcare (also pay for nursery) but thats during my working hours and they don't want to do any more than that which is fair enough - I'm grateful for what they do as it is.

But I would love to be able to date. I feel like there is a whole part of me that's just trapped. Money is limited so no way I could afford to pay more on childcare than I already do in order to go on dates that may be a waste of time, plus how often would I actually be able to see someone anyway so I feel like how would that even be a sustainable relationship. One night stands aren't really my thing, I want companionship and a proper relationship with someone.

I feel so cheated out of big parts of life by stbxhs actions. Don't get me wrong, I feel so super lucky in some respects that ds is too little to really remember everything happening and that I get to be with him all of the time - I absolutely love him to bits, but I'd be lying if I said there's not a tiny part of me that looks at my sister whose kids go to their dad twice a week and she's able to go out with her friends, have hobbies, go to the gym and date and has found a lovely partner now and I'm really happy for her.

I just don't see how any of that is going to be achievable for me and the prospect of spending the next 14 or so years alone when I'm at an age where I feel like I should be enjoying life is really overwhelming. I try really hard to always focus on the positives and push it to the back of my mind and focus on how thankful I am that I never have to miss ds and we do lots and go on lots of adventures and i make sure we have a great time together, but it's also just really hard. I'm focused on making ds's life as full and exciting as I can but my life just feels really... small.

You sound like a wonderful person and a brilliant mum. I really, really felt for you reading your post.
I suppose the only comfort I can offer is that it does get much easier to carve out time for yourself the older they get. Oh, and that the dating scene REALLY isn’t all that 😁

I sympathise with this and am in a similar situation (separated with kids).

My ex was an abusive person though and I realise that I have tendencies that make me quite vulnerable to falling into a similar situation again. Loneliness can do that too where you lower your standards or don't see manipulation or fall for love bombing. That's not great when you have kids and your standards actually need to be higher for their sake, even if it means waiting a very long time. I've banned myself from dating for a few years until I trust myself to do it. It is lonely but it's my job to be comfortable with myself so I don't cling desperately on to any man if I do find someone.

1 year is not very long and I would take time out OP to start doing things that reduce your feelings of loneliness e.g. hobbies, friends, make money etc. It means you get used to your current situation but also will seek better relationships rather than just looking to escape loneliness.

Hi OP. Your feelings are valid - you were cheated of your future as you envisaged it, and comparing your situation to your sister's is only natural.
Being alone and responsible for a toddler is hard and relentless. Thank goodness they grow and mature.
Childcare will not always be so expensive as it is for a toddler - and in your situation you will always be needing childcare whatever it is you want to do before/after work.
You certainly deserve some time to get out of the house and be a person, not just a worker bee.
Could you set up a childcare fund? Even just a savings jar - so that you can get a feeling that you are actually taking steps to address the situation? And of course available wraparound care should be at the forefront of your mind when choosing schools in future.
Can you increase your income somehow? Go for a promotion, apply for a better paying job?
Edited to add: ask for a raise? I dismissed this suggestion out of hand when it was put to me by a friend who's US based. Until she said "I bet all the men in your workplace already did".
I could not let that lie after that.
I asked for double what I wanted.
I was satisfactorily beaten down to half what I had asked.

Sending you hugs OP, it is not fair.

Maybe find another single mum, that you can buddy up with and occassionly babysit for each other. I know, it's not easy.

it’s pretty impossible when you have the kids 100%. I was in the same boat for many years. The DC were 2 and 5 when we split, and whilst they see their dad and have a great relationship with him, he has spent the majority of the 15yrs since the split working overseas. My family are 250 miles away so I was in it on my own. I also have a chronic illness which was pretty bad for 7-8yrs before a major surgery helped a lot. Occasionally i’d think it would be nice to date, but I couldn’t afford to pay a babysitter plus would have felt bad doing that for a date, which might have been a disaster anyway.

Also I don’t think it’s very fair going into dating someone to then say, sorry I can’t see you much, in fact barely at all in your position. I was pretty happy single, very independent and definitely do not need a man to make me happy, but sometimes I did think it would be nice to have someone for me. Once kids were old enough to stay home alone in evenings Covid hit. Then I was asked on a date by an ex colleague who i’d always had a thing for. Which was great, but he is a single dad with 100% custody! Couldn’t make it up. That was 2yrs ago, and we are back in touch lately as we work in same office now. We still have that spark, but I just don’t know how it would work. Plus i’ve spent years restricted on going out dating, to then date someone who is in the same boat I was! Wish I could flick a switch and not fancy the pants off him!!

Sorry not advice, but some solidarity. Maybe as your child grows / goes to school and family do less childcare for work they will start to have him now and then on a weekend.

Sadly it is realistically going to be very difficult to find a new partner. You won’t be able to see them. Most won’t want to take on a toddler. You can’t afford it.

Unless you meet someone at work or through family it’s all a bit unlikely. But there’s still a chance so keep your eyes open and let people know you’d like to meet someone.

In a similar position I was just philosophical about it. You have your child. You have a lovely family and a job and security Better than being trapped in an abusive relationship or one of many who are sad about never meeting anyone and having a child.

I am single with children and they’re grown up now and I definitely don’t want to date! Why would I want to take on another one? They often just drain us.

My son was older, 8, when I became a single parent. Ex an alcoholic so had very little contact and no overnight, still doesn't 5 years later. He has special needs so I couldn't leave him with any babysitter and even though my parents would take him overnight once a month or a bit more, I had to stay until he was asleep so I couldn't get out until about 9.30pm earliest which hugely restricted me.

I didn't try to meet anyone romantically but I did make a huge effort to have some kind of social life. So I would do the odd late night music event, even alone. Saw friends with kids, had people for dinner etc. It is hard and it is relentless being a single parent, you do need fun in your life and it can't all be about your child.

I did accidentally meet my partner at a music event. Although we both really liked and fancied each other it seemed impossible to have any kind of relationship - he lives 3.5 hours away too. However something occasional slowly turned into a part time, long distance relationship over the last 3.5 years which has been mainly wonderful (did split up twice due to it all feeling impossible to manage however, but the last 18 months have been much easier).

My son is now 13 and I do have a lot more freedom, time does move on, this is a stage you are at.

I would agree with pp to focus on making and seeing friends, trying to build up more income, doing things you enjoy, getting out there even in a limited way or with friends and their children.

I tried online dating for 6 months when we had split up and it was grim, you are really not missing out on that.

I met my partner when I was 47, he was 50. If you don't desperately want another child there is no rush. We have a lot of fun and a great social life.

You seem lovely and are doing a wonderful job. I agree with PPs, can you see if you can pop odd bits of money to one side so occasionally you can have some childcare, put feelers out for some local mums. They don't have to be single mums either as I'm sure coupled ones might love to kid swap so they can have a date night once you all know each other really well

I'd also agree that the OLD scene is pretty awful. I'm 2 years single, 50/50 parenting, and haven't made it past date 4. I've also felt the hell of love bombing, ghosting, and a married man (I had no idea) using me as his play thing. All felt pretty s**t and I'm still alone.