My partner became emotionally abusive when my babies where born

[Blueeyedbird]

Im not really sure how to talk about this and im scared because ive only come to terms with the fact there is no actual way of resolving my relationship.

So I was pregnant with my twins in 2022 in which my dad received his cancer diagnosis. I live far away from my parents around 100miles away. I travelled back and forth to support my mum on this journey. On the day I gave birth my dad went in for an emergency brain operation that was a lot in itself. Whilst travelling back and forth my partner at this time of 7 years was no supportive. In fact I emptied out my savings to pay for every single thing ready for the arrival of our babies. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I thought he might be in the “this ain’t real till it’s real” but nothing changed when they were born. 3 months after my twins were born my dad died suddenly from a relapse in aggressive re growth. I had to almost pretend this wasn’t happening and continue my motherhood journey whilst burying my grief because my babies needed me. Time has gone on and my partner has now became abusive towards me and my babies verbally. Swearing at them, slapping there bums (there literally 2) I go off the rails as soon as he does anything. But I’m the crazy one. My mum is in her own hole and is not a mother right now. I’m alone with everything and on an island with no support system for me. My partner has family and friends here and I need to get out. I don’t know why I love him and why I so desperately want this happy family. When I know deep down this ain’t going to happen. We argue a lot because he just ain’t present. He gets home from work and is on his phone until he goes a bed. Sometimes he shows his a great dad and I’m like I should just give him a chance. But I’ve realised I can’t his volatile and two different people one to his friends and one to me. His grabbed me by my chin now. Flew at me and told me he wants to punch my head in. I have nowhere to go and I tried to speak up to our mutual friend about it and it’s like there turning a blind eye.

I’ve realised I’m very much alone with this journey and I need to get me and my children out because his now getting comfortable with treating me like this and our children. He watched how it breaks me with our twins and continues like it’s a game. OUR children are not a f*ing game.

his best friend and wife are now our mutual friends and he says I’m too much. I want him around to be a dad and I don’t give him enough space. Baring in mind he sits on his phone when he gets home from work. Can’t be bothered with bath time and bed time like there a burden. Goes out most weekends Saturday and Sunday with said best friend. He will drop plans we have made for them. Everyone around me has even told him she basically parents them alone. Yet it doesn’t even seem to bother him. My children are showing signs of challenging behaviours and won’t go to him for anything they need just me.

I can’t take this anymore
I don’t know how to plan to leave where to go and I left my career to be a SAHM which we agreed. Whilst on benefits I pay 50% of the bills if not more and he doesn’t pay a things towards our children other than the rent.

i need to leave I need to find somewhere but how ??? Where do I even start or go???

That sounds very difficult, OP - it’s understandable that you tried to make it work when you’d just had babies with him but you’re right that you can’t stay with him. He’s horribly abusive to you and starting to damage your children.

You say you’re on an island but not which country you’re in. Are you in the UK or at least in the British Isles?

If so, speaking to Woman’s Aid may be a good start as they will be able to advise you on what options are available.

Women’s Aid also has information about how to plan how to get away from an abusive relationship on their website. Here’s a link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

The Women’s Aid website also has something you can press which removes it from your browsing history.

Does he give you money for housekeeping etc? You may be able to start making some savings from there; using coupons, buying stuff on sale etc and keeping the change.

Do NOT tell him that you’re planning to leave. If you’re not in immediate danger, you may need to play a bit of a long game.

Would you feel able to make a report to the police about what has been going on on a non-emergency basis. A friend of mine did that before telling her abusive husband that she was ending their marriage. She talked through what had been going on with the specialist police officer and they took a statement so it was on file in case of future need (it wasn’t needed in the end). They could also put a marker on your house so they know to come quickly if they receive an emergency call from it.

These are just some ideas so you can start planning your escape.

If you can go home, go home.

When he's at work you pack everything you can and go.

You only tell him when you're on the plane/boat.

OP, if he is swearing and hitting your toddlers as you said, he is an abusive father and should be reported to the police and social services. He is a danger to them as his behaviour could escalate. I understand this might not be what you want to hear but it is the truth. Obviously, his behaviour to you is completely unacceptable but children rely on their parents to keep them safe and they need protection right now.

I did call the police on my now ex husband when he threatened me and never lived with him from that moment. Police also cautioned him not to approach me which protected me. You can get a court order too. Contact Woman's Aid when you are alone and seek advice now. They can help you to get to safety when you do leave him.

Get evidence of his abusive behaviour if you can and it is safe to do so, then call the police if he loses it at you or your kids and becomes physical. Any physical behaviour is assault even if it doesn't feel bad to you.

I hope you and your kids manage to break free. You deserve so much more.

The first pist nails it @Blueeyedbird . What you said about loving him and desperate for a happy family being important to you struck a chord with me because, I wanted that too. It took me 20 years to realise it wasn't ever going to happen. Your P doesn't like you and how things have changed since you became a parent (he's never been one) and you know this. You have strength, I know it, and you can leave him. Take all the advice @Dery has offered. If you need support come back here, we can help.

I think your mum would probably want to help you if she knew. She may be grieving but I doubt she'd want you to hide what's happening from her. (Unless you come from a dysfunctional family yourself.)

Personally I think packing you and the kids up and going home to mother would be a good option if possible.

Give your mum the chance to help you. Redirecting her energy towards help you and her grandchildren may be the best thing for her grief.