Thinking about asking DH to leave after MH crisis - feel awful

[WorriedWife30]

Not sure what I’m after really, maybe advice or just a place to get this out. Feel like I’ve been holding my breath since April.

DH has bipolar. Managed OK for years, with ups and downs obviously, but we’ve always got through. This time was different. He started going downhill early this year – up and down, irritable, sleeping less, then crashing. I tried to talk to him about it loads of times but he’d just brush me off, get snappy or tell me to stop treating him like a patient.

Then one night in April it just exploded. It was just the two of us at home – kids were at my sister’s overnight, thank god. He was pacing, crying, shouting, just completely unravelled. Saying he wanted to hurt himself, that he was a burden, that he couldn’t go on. I told him I was calling the crisis team and he absolutely lost it – screaming at me not to, saying I’d ruin everything, saying he didn’t need help. I didn’t know what to do. I was terrified.

I ended up calling his best mate because I was too scared to handle it on my own. He came straight away. DH was out of control by then – tried to go into the kitchen saying he was going to hurt himself, and his mate had to physically stop him from getting to the knives. Then it turned on us – he was threatening both of us, shouting that we’d betrayed him, completely paranoid.

That’s when I called the crisis team anyway. Didn’t care what he said at that point. They came fast and sectioned him immediately.

After he was admitted he didn’t want to see me. His best mate went to visit and DH ended up screaming at him, saying we were having an affair. I went a few days later and DH was cold and angry – said I humiliated him by letting his mate see him like that, that I made things worse. His friend told me later he hadn’t seen DH in that bad a state since before he was diagnosed back at uni.

He was discharged a couple weeks ago and he’s back home now, but nothing feels normal. He’s still flat, quiet but tense, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I keep thinking about that night, how scared I was. I’m jumpy all the time. I don’t want the kids back here yet because I honestly don’t know if it’s safe.

I feel like the worst person for even thinking it, but I don’t want him here right now. Maybe not at all. I’ve always supported him and I know he’s unwell – he’s not a bad man. But that night changed things. I don’t feel safe. I don’t know if I even love him anymore or if I’m just numb and scared.

Would I be awful to ask him to leave? I know he needs help but I can’t do this anymore, not like this. Have any of you been through something similar? I feel totally torn and ashamed but also completely worn out.

Have you been able to have any discussions about what happened?
Has he acknowledged it in any way?
Would you think about counselling either for you or as a couple?

I think at the end of the day you have to look after number one, because no one else will and you do have the right to end it. However, if you want to stay married to him, make sure you have accessed all possible avenues for support? This could include a period of time with him out of the house to rebuild trust?

Your kids are still with your sister weeks later?
of course he has to go and stay somewhere else. He may be fairly stable right now but he's not reliably safe and he can't be living in the same home as your children that soon after such a dangerous breakdown. You need to get your kids back home and safe as a priority. His welfare can come later.

Yeah we’ve had bits of conversation about it. He still feels really embarrassed and ashamed, mostly about his friend seeing him like that. He doesn’t remember everything that happened that night – just bits – but he knows it was bad. He asked me to tell him what he said and did, and when I started he just went quiet and said he didn’t want to hear anymore.

Kids were back with me at first with my sister popping in and helping loads, but after a few wobbles when he first got home, she offered to have them for a bit longer. I didn’t think he could cope with them around at that point tbh – he was just too fragile. She’s had them a few weeks now so he could settle back in, but I still don’t feel totally sure.

He just kind of sits quietly most of the time, barely talks unless I ask him something directly. Not angry, just flat. I honestly don’t know how much of it is meds or just recovery or what. But I still don’t feel relaxed. Not sure I ever will again if I’m honest.

I’ve not looked into counselling yet. Might be time to.

How old are the children? I think their safety is the key thing to consider here.

What follow up has he had?

I wish I was surprised that both you and separately him appear to have been left with zero support, advice or input, but sadly I'm not surprised at all. I think he should be having major followup including day centre attendance, CPN visits etc etc. Also safeguarding advice for your children. If nothing else, is he having a psychiatrist follow up appointment? Do consider going with him and forcing them to consider you as a family. If no other help, try contacting Adult Safeguarding (for you) and Child Safeguarding (for your children) at the council. I also got some decent support from Sane who at that team seemed more carer focused than any other organisation.

Please see YOUR gp and tell them how you are feeling. It is fucking traumatic going through this kind of thing. (DP took his own life during a psychotic episode, I was in the house. PM me if you want.

The children need to come first. They need to be able to be in their own home, with you, safely. This means that he needs to be elsewhere. That’s it. Bottom line.

(I say that as someone who has a dh with bipolar and my own Mum had schizophrenia- as a child I spent long periods with my Gran whilst she was sectioned and also some time in foster care. My Mum was terrifying when she was unwell).

I have bipolar. For me, the question of whether to stay would come down to whether he's been taking his maintenance seriously, taking his medication, staying in the system with CMHT, or whether he's tried to go it alone, knowing from previous episodes how bad it gets and putting you and the kids in that situation knowingly. Was it a blip despite the fact he usually does all he can to manage his condition or did he take an unnecessary risk and try to go without his meds and fall on his arse?
As the non bipolar partner, that would guide my decision about whether to stay or not.

I've always told DH that if I get to a certain point, do X, Y or Z, then he is to take the kids and go somewhere safe, or kick me out, whatever's safest at the time. We talk about this stuff even though it's uncomfortable sometimes to think about it all. We have plans for contingencies. We don't just throw caution to the wind and try and wing it. The kids have to come first.

Adult child of a bipolar parent here.

You have to put your children first. They need to be safe at home with their stable parent. Therefore your husband must leave. Your children must be your priority.

I realise it's not the point of this thread but I'm curious there's so little mention of the children. Perhaps they are used to staying with your sister a lot? What does your DH think should happen with the children? Whether the marriage is going to continue or not, this is an immediate need and might be a route into ahidfring living arrangements. On the marriage front, I think it's worth thinking through. It sounds like space now is what you need.

Is your husband engaging with support offered? Is he taking medication? To me, that's your starting point. If he's not engaging or taking his medication, then he's likely going to be volatile again at some point. If he's doing all those things, then what other support is there for him? He's clearly still not well. Ultimately, your priority has to be your children, their safety and well-being is paramount. Living with your sister isn't a situation that can continue long-term. You don't know how long it's going to take for your husband to get some normality back. As hard as it is, I think you need ask him to move elsewhere until he's much more stable. He needs to understand that the children need to be at home, in their own beds, have their routine back, so they can get some stability back into their lives. Currently your husband is a walking safeguarding risk to your children, and he can't live with them again until he's stable.

Kids are 6 and 9. They know daddy hasn’t been well but we’ve kept it pretty vague, just that he’s been in hospital and needs rest. They’ve been great tbh but I hate how unsettled it’s all been for them. My sister’s been amazing but like you all say it’s not a long-term fix. They need to be home.

He was doing well before all this – had been stable for a good couple years. But I found out after the sectioning that he’d started messing about with his meds, taking them on and off for weeks before the crisis. I had no idea at the time. He didn’t tell me, didn’t tell anyone. Just kept saying he was fine.

Now I’m the one giving him the meds daily – he agreed to that, which I guess is something. But yeah, it’s a worry. He’s seeing his psychiatrist and there’s a CPN involved now but no other follow up that I’ve seen. It all felt very “right, he’s out, off you go” once he was discharged.

I hadn’t thought about contacting safeguarding – for me or the kids – but I think I probably should. I’m not sure where the line is but I don’t feel like I’m coping and I don’t think this is a safe setup long term.

Appreciate the insight from the poster with bipolar – I’ve asked myself that same question so many times. Like was this a one-off blip or has he just stopped caring about keeping himself well? He says now he was ashamed of needing help again so he thought he could manage on his own. But it’s hard to trust that he won’t do the same next time.

Regarding safeguarding, we were referred to social services last time I had a major episode a few years back (post partum when I was bounced between the post natal and CMHT teams and put on the wrong medication without realising what they'd done and then no one would take responsibility for sorting it out), leaving me suicidal.

Children's social services were exceptionally helpful, they worked with us on a voluntary basis (called a CIN plan) and liaised with all the MH, got them in a room together and made them produce a concrete plan of action, and basically acted as an added oversight to make sure the CMHT sorted their shit out and got me back on my feet ASAP for the kids' sake. 2 months into the CIN plan I was back at full time work in a new job and very functional, 6 months in we were taken off the CIN plan completely. My recommendation is to definitely grab SS support if you can get it because I found them really supportive, they fast-tracked things with MH where needed, provided joined-up thinking, and they were not at all about picking fault with us as parents.

They also helped me put an Advanced Directive in place so any future episodes are treated in hospital not at home so the kids don't have to see anything. Whether that works in practice we're yet to find out because I've been stable since then.

If you are taking responsibility for him taking his meds you are potentially heading into. codependent relationship which will be exhausting for you.

You need to feel safe in your own home and so do your children. Does he think about what is best for the children or is he too caught up in his mental health.

Yea he is unwell but you are allowed to leave to give you and your children the safety and peace you deserve.

I have bipolar.. and I'm divorced
Please put your DC and your needs above his. He has not been compliant with treatment so now that responsibility falls to you, as do the roles of nurse and therapist.
As DH has been sectioned he will be assisted with accommodation If he's ever been on S3, he will still be on a S117, which entitles him to aftercare.
Please see your GP. It's a huge amount to cope with.

You being responsible for his medication can't be a long term thing. He needs to at some point take responsibility himself for accepting he has this condition and managing it, which is likely to include both medication, lifestyle changes and therapy. You can't take responsibility for those things, only he can.

It is possible to have compassion for someone who is ill, and to accept that they are at times controlled by that illness, but also accept that this means he isn't able to be the safe father the children need, or the safe partner you need. As the non-bipolar parent, your primary responsibility is to maintain a safe base for your kids, and for you so that your MH doesn't begin to suffer from it.

I think in your shoes I'd be looking at ways you could support him but not living in the same home. E.g. would he be eligible for some kind of council accommodation or could finances stretch to getting him a small flat. Help him develop a routine that keeps him stable with exercise, hobbies, compliance with meds, planned manageable time with the kids etc. He could still be very much involved in the kids lives during periods of stability, but there'd be somewhere for him to be for the majority of the time, to safeguard the kids and maintain their stability.

You need to protect yourself and your children. He needs to leave. Hes a grown man. Why is he more worried about what his friend thinks?

He had a psychotic episode, it sounds like.
He has a duty to you and the kids and also himself to try and manage his illness.
His attitude since, would say to me that hes put you in the position of parent and hes some adolescent that needs to be coddled into taking his medication. If he doesn't want to take medication willingly, then what else has he tried? Doesn't sound like it works.

Youve already got children, and you are absolutely responsible for them.
He doesn't even want to be helped. He isn't being a partner or parent.
I think if you want to still offer support, then that will be better from a distance too, and then he might even have to treat you with a little bit of respect

So what I'm getting is that he was messing with his meds and has therefore had an episode. He doesn't want to accept help and doesn't seem to be dealing with it in a proactive way, or accepting responsiblity for not taking the meds.

On top of that, you feel like its not the right environment to bring the kids home to. For how long? You can't be responsible for keeping him well forever by giving him his tablets every day.

If I were you in this environment I would ask him to move out whilst he gets himself well. Position it as him needing space and quiet to work out how to get himself better and the kids needing normality.

Then play it by ear depending on how seriously he takes getting well and moving forward.

He's bothered about how HE feels what about you?! I would be out of there. Doesn't sound safe at all.

Refusing meds is the clincher when you know you get into that state. Is the refusal a symptom of the illness?

Both the parents I know who pulled this stunt did it more than once - serially, as it happens.

In the end, Parent A was booted out of her home by SS because the children, who were being looked after by DGM, couldn’t stand it any more. She got a studio flat from
the council.

Parent B kept her unfortunate DC and their home, but after DC moved out (at speed when they hit 18) she kept doing it & they had to threaten to have her hospitalised permanently, easily done by selling the flat. She hasn’t missed a dose since.

It’s a bloody nasty thing to do, OP. Any sign DH doesn’t get this & he’s out. He’s not the one you feel sorry for in your situation.

Hi OP. I'm a community mental health nurse who works with a lot of people with bipolar and psychosis.

I'd ask if he would consider a long acting injectable medication (often referred to as a depot) rather than tablets. This would give you peace of mind and would mean that a CPN would need to visit regularly to administer (usually monthly). I'm not sure what medication he is on - straightforward mood stabilisers like lithium/sodium valproate etc don't come in injection format but antipsychotic mood stabiliser Aripiprazole does. His consultant may not feel it's suitable for him, but worth a try?

Also, if he is due to be under the CMHT for a while can you ask them if there is any family therapy provision in their trust that you could be referred into? This could be just for you and him, or they could offer a couple of sessions (in an age appropriate way) for the kids, too. I suspect this would be really valuable for you both.

Ultimately though, it is okay if you feel that he needs to leave. Your kids must come first, having supported adult patients of mine whose parents had bipolar (and patients with bipolar who havd young kids) it is really difficult and traumatising for kids to witness serious episodes. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad - but not to sugarcoat the reality of it.

Also, worth checking out and referring yourself for whatever carers support is available in your area- Rethink may be a good place to start.

I’ve been in a similar situation although my DH had severe depression and was suicidal
After a suicide attempt at home when I had to save his life, he was sectioned
My DCs were teens, so a bit older than yours, but they were saying things like ‘Dad is scary’, ‘I don’t want to come home from school and find Dad dead’, ‘if you leave him, I won’t hate you’.
i was absolutely at rock bottom trying to look after him, so I decided when he was sectioned, that I couldn’t live with him any more and told him then. He didn’t come home to the family house after he was discharged .
Put your children first. Protect them. They are probably not old enough to say how they are feeling about this.
I separated the marriage and I don’t regret it. Maybe that’s cold and hard of me, but it couldn’t go on, it was awful living with him and he’d dragged us all right down into his dark sea of despair

Your kids come first, he needs to live on his own.

I'd be asking him to leave. I was In a similar situation, partner has EUPD, was unmedicated, recently diagnosed and it suddenly started causing hell. For 7 days straight I put up with awful cycles he was going through every hour or so, awful behaviour, threats to harm himself, nasty hurtful words and I broke after 7 days and asked him to go. I always promised us both I wouldn't do that as fear of abandonment is a huge thing for people with EUPD but I had to protect myself, my kids and to an extent it was for him as well.

He left and for a month we had no contact and he shut himself off from the world. I reached out after a month as our joint dog fell seriously ill so I felt it was the right thing to do. We spent a week travelling to and from the animal hospital with each other, supporting each other with the dog and then went our separate ways after after having the dog put to sleep. Another 2 months of no contact and he reached out. We are now back living together, he's medicated, took all the help he could find and we've not had a single problem.

Taking that time apart is the best thing we ever did. Im now a firm believer that you need to help yourself first before you can be any good for somebody else. He had nothing left to give at his worst point and could barley look after himself so he needed that time to figure himself out, and learn to take care of himself so he could be in a place where he was mentally stable and not damaging other people. I couldn't help him do that, it was something he had to learn to do for himself.

Right now it sounds like your DH is not doing any good for you or your children, I don't know how else to word that but I don't mean it in a nasty way. It may seem normal as his wife to try and step in to help him but you can't. This is his illness and he needs to learn to get a handle on it by himself. He likely knows how he's making you feel and it probably makes him feel worse as he doesn't feel able to change quick enough to make you feel better. If he steps away it will take the pressure off him to hurry up and get better for your sake and it will be one weight lifted knowing he's not physically there affecting you. He needs to be able to sort himself out at a pace that he feels able and without the worry he's dragging his loved ones down if he takes his time. And you and the children need to be living together without the worry of setting him off or being on eggshells. You both need to put yourselves first for now. It's not selfish, just neither of you are any use to the other unless you are in a good, stable frame of mind