Friend reappearing after years. Am I being skeptical or cruel?

[gingerandpeppermint]

7 years ago I met a friend through a mutual friend I got close to in work. Let's call her Sarah.
For context, we were both 25, single, singers and generally got on naturally. This friend is charming, pretty, spontaneous, fun and generally lovely. However, she had ways about her which were sometimes a little high maintainace socially ; she had no filter when it came to guys and would be very extra, flipping her hair and often stating "Ugh, are those guys checking me out again? It must be the Sarah effect".. ultimately, this had our mutual friend cut her off as she would make my other friend feel inferior..I'm unsure if I was blind to this or just assumed our other friend was jealous (she was quite a bit older than us). However, I'm beginning to see how humiliating and cringey this is now.

The friend and I stopped talking due to the inevitably of her moving to Australia with her childhood sweetheart over covid and me moving to an entirely different city here in the UK. It's been 6 years since we met/spoke. It sounds bad but I didn't miss her. The last few times we hung out she would ask if she could stop at my flat for days on end and would get pissed if I said no due to me undergoing a stressful Masters degree at the time. We ended things on a good note but never spoke again...

3 months ago I started seeing photos on her Facebook story of my city and was like "oh wow, blast from the past. How random.." and then one day she hit me up on Instagram and says "wait, you live in London??". I've had my location on all my social media constantly so not like she didn't know. I replied thinking "why not?" And she explains how she decided to move back to the UK to a town very close by to try and get a qualification in social care which she's always loved. I told her how great that was and how I hope she was doing OK. She then asks if we can meet up..
I have generalised anxiety so always socially anxious but I was up all night with a gut feeling not to meet up with her. It was so random and seeing as she took advantage the last few weeks we met up I almost cancelled but felt bad as she was so excited.

We met up, it was nice. We joked about old times and had a few drinks but I realised she spent hours talking about how she'd met a group of girls from her work and how "bad" she felt that everytime they went out, she's the only one that got laid and how "impressed" they must have been with her. I swerved this comment as I didn't know how to reply and then she spent a ton of time telling me how she'd matched with a millionaire on tinder who was going to take her to Paris. Within the 4 hrs we met up, she only asked me one question about my long term partner "so how did you guys meet?". The attention was shortly back on her and I began to feel uncomfortable as every bar we went to she would flirt profusely with the barmen, one who she asked "do you not want to make happy hour an hour earlier for me and my friend??" And hitting up randoms in bars whilst they looked at me confused and awkward. She explained she'd broke up with her sweetheart a year ago so was in her single era.

I started to feel unwell after this (I had just come over a virus that weekend) and I could see she saw me uncomfortable so advised we meet up another time. She was neither mean, harsh nor manipulative etc but I felt ..weird after the entire encounter and we didn't speak for days.
She then started messaging me asking if I wanted to have a "girly sleepover" which made me really uncomfortable as I don't even do this with my own friends. I'm 32 and am pretty introverted as it is so the thought of entertaining in my small studio flat was off-putting. I explained how burned out I was and how we could maybe do this in the future.

She has continuously messaged me since we met up, inviting me to events and, more scarily been doing instagram stories of places close to my flat (thankfully she doesn't know where I live although she knows what area of town). I eventually ghosted her until I felt cruel and messaged her yesterday stating that I felt overwhelmed the last few months by work and that I couldn't be the friend I once was due to other commitments. She wrote a nice reply stating
"I was just so excited to have a real friend nearby amidst my recent depression. I think some girl downtime would be medicinal for us both, you know?"

Where do I go from here?
Do I cut this off entirely or hear her out? I'm at a loss with excuses and thought she'd give up by now

She sounds exhausting. I suppose the question is, if you continue to meet up with her, will you be able to put boundaries in place?
Or will you find yourself on nights out, sleepovers (ugh) that you don't want to do?
Do you actually still like her? It sounds like you've grown up and she hasn't.

I think it’s totally normal to re-connect with old friends in your 30s especially when you are both living back in the same place. Nothing weird about that, so I think you’re overthinking that bit.

But it sounds like she has a very different personality and approach to socialising to you. And that’s fine to not be compatible. She does sound annoying, but she probably wouldn’t be to the right person. I wouldn’t cut her off. She hasn’t been horrible to you, but you don’t have to be her best friend or have sleepovers. I’d just keep it low key. Don’t respond regularly. Meet up on occasion if you want to. You don’t have to have this intensity of friendship if it’s not for you.

This friendship just sounds like a lot of hard work. If she isn't fun, supportive, interested in you and your life in any way then I don't see the point of it.

I'm a terrible people-pleaser and I had to take a long hard look at one person who I had previously considered a friend. They wanted all my time when they had dramas and then were nowhere the rest of the time. I said to her that I felt that the relationship was very one-sided and not really a friendship and that I didn't want to continue with it.

This person is clearly causing you anxiety at the thought of even meeting up! If you don't feel that you can outright say you don't want to be friends then maybe just create some distance. If asked for dates to meet then make them some way off and keep them infrequent.

It would undoubtedly be better to shut this down permanently and say that you've moved on, that you're not the same person, that you're maxed out with your studies etc. but I do get how hard that is to do. However, this is your chance to do exactly that - if you get back into a pattern of meeting up then it's much harder for you to do and more hurtful for her.

I nearly died with anxiety when I cut off this last person who was causing me so much anxiety but the relief afterwards was huge.

I'd reply something like "that's a nice thought but not something I can manage. I'm sorry to hear how hard your depression is, but my own struggles mean I really can be what you need. I hope you find some good support and are able to get to a better place. It was nice to catch up and I wish you all the best.".

It you don't want it to be totally final you could add "perhaps we could meet for a coffee at some point in the summer". Personally it's something I'd be nipping fully in the bud though.

Its ok to stop being even acquaintances with her. You can’t ever unsee ir unknow what you know once you realize her very annoying patterns. Just be too busy. Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) jyst keep turning her down. Eventually she will go away.

A woman bragging about getting laid on a night out is enough to put me off.

She wants a wing woman. Nope.

Is there a relationship with her that you can see working for you, if there is I think it'd be better to take charge a bit rather than try to drop her.

For example, as you are both singers could you go and watch bands together or join a pop choir, where other people would dilute her a bit but having her there might make it easier for you with your social anxiety?

Don't get dragged into her idea of friendship, but do think about your own ideas and any gaps she could help fill.

I would shut it down, because she’s going to completely wring you out if you let her. I’d reply to say the conversation felt very one-sided when you met up and it felt like she was looking for an audience rather than a genuine friendship. And say that that you don’t enjoy big nights out and you don’t want to host people in your flat. Then depending on her reply to that, if she shows any ability to reflect or be considerate, maybe give her one more chance, meet for coffee, and see how you feel afterwards.

I read this thinking she was going to ask to stay at your place for a ‘few weeks until she got on her feet’, or something similar
It sounds as if you’re very mismatched and even more so now you’ve grown up and she doesn’t appear to have.

The ball is in your court, see her on your terms if you want to, but don’t be talked into a girly sleepover (I mean seriously, WTF, you aren’t 10?!) , or anything else that isn’t your thing. I would also stop replying to every message. You’ve told her you have a lot going on, she should respect that. If you want to maintain a friendship then suggest a coffee one day, not a bar or where it can escalate to a night out

You are very different people and pretty much socially incompatible. She has not grown up and her previous ott behaviour that caused you embarrassment in the past is still there in full flow!
I would be very choosy about when and where you do meet in future. if you really want to keep in touch just agree to the things you would enjoy... And certainly not girly sleepovers!

No is a complete sentence. Or ghost or block.

Don't feel guilty about rejecting her or if she's upset.

I think she sees you in an extractive way - you're there to meet HER needs and go along with her lifestyle.

In my 20s I was the quieter "friend" who was targeted by a domineering woman who wanted me to validate her living some version of Sex and the City. Quite charming and extroverted and fun but similar issues.

I was expected to validate her and spend ages discussing her "admirers". Yes to having no self-awareness and needing a "wing woman" in public.

It was actually fairly unpleasant, looking back she'd run out of other "friends" and wanted to use me to prop her up.

Occasionally she'd pretend to be nice and helpful if she thought I was withdrawing, but ultimately she wanted a support animal she could control.

She was obsessing about getting access to any men I was friends with when I finally managed to detach. It was very creepy and hard to get rid of her.

There were definitely some psychological issues with attention seeking, hypersexuality, possible ADHD, but she didn't want to address these, she wanted an enabler.

I don't think you're actually that introverted or struggle socially, it's her who is immature and domineering and out of touch.

Most normal women in their 30s (not on the TV) aren't having girly sleepovers and flirting with randomers and barmen!

I wouldn't say it's anxiety it's quite a natural human reaction to not want to get involved with this drama llama.

I think she wants to come and live in your flat! She's definitely wanting to use you for something. To be honest she sounds a complete pain in the arse and I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her.