Telling my husband

[Housemum45]

How do I tell my husband I am leaving him and I want a divorce as well we have got children son 14 and daughters are 12 and youngest son 10 we have been married for 30 years and together for 34 years

Do you have plans in place? Accommodation? Finances?
Have you had legal advice?
Why are you leaving?
Are you safe?

I will be moving in with my mum and stepdad until I get my self sorted because I know he will refuse to leave the family home

If you’re that unhappy and you’ve taken legal advice and you have somewhere proper and comfortable for you and the kids to go and you can support yourself whilst finances get sorted out and ….. you get the picture?
Your kids might have other ideas?
If hes that bad, just leave a note on the kitchen table and go.

Are you taking the children with you?. If not reconsider moving out.

Do not make such a move particularly if you have not sought legal advice beforehand.

More context would help. See previous questions.
Is he abusive?

Get legal advice please. Don't agree to anything before you have spoken to lawyer. Start getting your affairs in order. Be prepared for him to become combative and unpleasant.

Only one out of 4 children will be coming with me

Are the other three over 18?. Why are they staying put?.

Be very careful, you moving out whilst understandable could put you in a very poor position here legally and re your children too.

14 and 12 and the youngest is 10

Why are you leaving them?

I would urge you to reconsider leaving the other children behind.

You need legal advice urgently particularly if you have not already done this.

It's what they want to do they want to stay with their dad

So your children know you are leaving, but your husband doesn’t?

Don’t split the siblings up

Ime it will take you years if ever to rebuild your relationships with your dc.

Ime he will play on the 'fact' you have left THEM to turn them against you..
Please reconsider.

@Housemum45 have you posted before? My answer will be the same if so - do not leave any of your children! If it’s bad enough for you to leave, why is it ok for them to stay? You will create a lot of damage to your children.

It should not be their choice really. They can see him and stay 50% with him if they wish but leaving them is not on. You are having very adult conversations with CHILDREN. That is not right. They know what’s going on and are holding a secret from their dad, that’s a lot of pressure on them.

Why can't she leave and if the 2 eldest would rather stay with their Dad what's wrong with that?

Plenty of Dad's leave their kids with the Mum and have visits - why shouldn't she?

Equality of the sexes surely?

I urge you to reconsider. Never leave any of your children behind. They are too young to have been asked.

Like what happens to men who leave you mean ?

Do all the Mum's turn their children against their Dad's because he left them? Did you do that? 🙄

I think you miss the point. Op is having very adult conversations with children about leaving before the dad knows. It’s alot of pressure and frankly unless the op isn’t disclosing something important here about her relationship with her dc, I think it’s awful to split the children up. And the husband? Would he be willing to do 100% with the dc that want to stay. I believe in equality of sexes so 50/50 is a fair split and allows children nurturing by both children. You sound so cold and flippant about these young lives!

They heard us having a very very huge argument that is why they side that

If he keeping the kids, you'd probably have to pay child support... (if I understood correctly)

This is a huge step, so put safety and planning first. If there’s any risk he won’t take it well, speak to a solicitor or support service before saying anything. When you do tell him, stay calm and clear – focus on the facts and the children. You don’t need to explain everything, just that you’ve made your decision. You’re not alone.

Like other posters, I don’t think you should split the siblings up. With the greatest respect to them I doubt they really know with whom they want to live; it’s highly likely that they want to stay in their home with everything working as it currently is but without the eldest sibling and yourself. Needless to say, that is absolutely not what will happen when you’ve gone, the situation will immediately change in many ways (depending on what you & eldest DC contribute).
What you do need to do urgently is to take legal advice, as you have been told by others who have clearly been through this.
I also urge you to consider the conversation that you will be forced to have with your STBXH when he is told by one of the DCs that you will be leaving soon. They may let slip accidentally or tell him their “secret” in order to please him; either way it will be challenging, to be polite, and potentially emotionally and physically dangerous to you all.
If this slips out, you need to have a Go Bag NOW including the usual stuff - passports & other documents, money, bank info, meds, clothes, laptop, phone, keys etc etc. You may want to think of a way of protecting the kids, especially if he tries to use them against you.