Elderly Mum won't accept help, what to do?

[marchmash]

My mum is 80 and lives alone. I live in Europe and visit her every 2 months. She has friends and some family around, and has quite an active social life, still drives etc. However over the past year or so she has started getting confused about financial matters and other things, forgetting things, it is not dramatic but generally her cognitive abilities are clearly declining. I am confident that she is fine with shopping, feeding herself etc, however for example she has trouble getting in and out of the bath and when I come over, I have to clean the house because she can't do it (she is not super mobile and has very bad arthritis). I had the idea that my cousin's wife who lives nearby could do some cleaning for her as she has spare time, and she said no problem, but when I suggested it to my Mum she is not interested and just doesn't see that there is anything to be done. This would be a case of a few hours every couple of weeks to do the kitchen and bathroom, hoover properly etc. My Mum has never been the greatest housekeeper and would never countenance having a cleaner. When I go over I spend quite a bit of time cleaning as I don't like to think of her kitchen being yucky, toilet being a bit yucky etc, and I feel like this is not a good use of my time. I think someone coming in would not be shocked and say oh my god this is filthy, it is not that bad at all, it just needs the basics doing, floors etc.

Do I just suck it up for now and just clean when I travel over, or do I try to put more pressure? It would be really great to have my cousin's wife help her out, they get on very well anyway, as she distrusts strangers and would definitely not want a stranger coming in. By the way she has the money to pay for it.

I think you can present it as x is coming over on Tuesdays ( or whatever) to clean. If you keep cleaning it just never gets too bad so there isn’t enough of a problem.

I think it’s really tough to make decisions when declining, it’s easier to say this is what is happening and deal with objections as you go.

Would it work if your cousin’s wife went primarily to visit, and slowly started to do a bit more cleaning each time she went? Maybe DM would accept that better if she hardly knew it was happening?

Also, I hate to say it, but if you’re worried about cognitive decline then DM really shouldn’t be driving.

thanks. yeah it's a tricky one. The thing is, it is more or less ok for now, but I thought what a great opportunity to get a little help set up, because it's always easier to carry on something that's already in place than to suddenly have to get a random person in a hurry or whatever. I tried the tack of it being perfectly normal for someone of her age to have help in the house (her Mum, my Gran had help!!). I think given how stubborn she is and that the situation is currently not that bad, my current approach of going over more often and just doing the bloody cleaning may be the only way. I did say to her that I don't think it's a good use of my time when I'm over, and she said 'oh that's OK, you don't need to do it!'

My kids are going to study in the UK and I also thought that it will encourage more visits to her if it's a bit cleaner. With the cognitive decline obviously more help will be needed anyway within probably the next 5 years. As well as a walk in bath (another thing I am working on persuading her to get).

yeah I think the driving is OK for now as she goes very very slowly and very short distances, her eyesight and reactions are OK, and it would limit her a lot without it, however at some point something more like a mobility scooter is probably better.

We are having similar issues.
Currently I take mum out for lunch for a few hours and my sis nips round to clean while we're out.