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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a form of gaslighting?

18 replies

Theuniversalshere1 · 03/06/2025 07:46

Going through a separation but still living together. Often, my now ex partner would put things in places I couldn't find... or not in their usual place. Leave papers ontop of keys etc. It's still happening as I cannot move out till my new house sale goes through.

Yesterday they had gone out and took my keys out the door. Usually they would be left on the side, but they had been put on the floor with some cardboard over?

This meant when postman came I couldn't find my keys but am wise to this so managed to figure out how to find them, postman waiting. If had been later, I'd of been late for work.

This has happened with me wasting hours looking for things during relationship, to which ex said "I can't help it but I have adhd"

Now I loved them and still do in a way but I am excited to not have this nonsense anymore.

Is this a trait of adhd or am I being gaslighted?

Clothes have gone missing, sometimes one shoe odd, odd socks, documents hard to find... I'll know I've put something somewhere and it goes astray.

I've never admitted this to anyone but I felt I was going mad at times but didn't believe someone I loved and I thought loved me could do this. But after keys yesterday I think I was potentially right all along.

It so happens with conversations, saying one thing then denying it or saying it didn't happen like that.
Heartbroken confused and gutted.

Roll on my own home!

OP posts:
Thatfirstcoff · 03/06/2025 07:49

The beauty of it is… you don’t need to care anymore.

Who knows what it is. Could just be a total twat.

Either way, don’t waste energy thinking and analysing. You have bigger fish to fry

Ahsheeit · 03/06/2025 07:52

He's absolutely doing it on purpose, nothing to do with ADHD, he's just an arsehole. Start stashing your stupid in a safe place so he can't play his little games. You won't have to put up with his bullshit soon.

Francestein · 03/06/2025 07:53

What a fuckwit he is! Glad he’s an ex!

S0j0urn4r · 03/06/2025 07:54

He's doing this on purpose by the sound of it.
That has nothing to do with ADHD and everything to do with being a cunt.

Thatfirstcoff · 03/06/2025 07:59

Is this a same sex relationship? Not that it matters but lots of “them” and “they”!

Tenducks · 03/06/2025 08:01

I’d test them. Make sure you know exactly where you put something that they have no reason to move. See if they move it. If they do, challenge them and let them know you’re on to them. It’s worrying to be sharing a home with someone trying to sabotage things, even mildly.

Theuniversalshere1 · 03/06/2025 08:02

Thatfirstcoff · 03/06/2025 07:59

Is this a same sex relationship? Not that it matters but lots of “them” and “they”!

Yes but trying to remain as anonymous as possible.

OP posts:
Lighteningstrikes · 03/06/2025 08:02

You know he does it so you’ve got to be a step ahead and keep things safe.

It’s exhausting.

Theuniversalshere1 · 03/06/2025 08:03

Thank you all, it's very hard to accept or admit as we were very in love once. I still do love them in a way but I just can't believe I've lived like this for so long and tolerated it to keep peace.

OP posts:
Theuniversalshere1 · 03/06/2025 08:03

Lighteningstrikes · 03/06/2025 08:02

You know he does it so you’ve got to be a step ahead and keep things safe.

It’s exhausting.

It is very exhausting.

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · 03/06/2025 08:04

Nice post from someone up thread that you don’t need to care any longer and must reach a place for not thinking you need to understand, rationalize, change or help.

Keep your things in a private place now, where they should not be, and reclaim your own space.

MagpiePi · 03/06/2025 08:04

Theuniversalshere1 · 03/06/2025 08:02

Yes but trying to remain as anonymous as possible.

Revealing the sex of your partner is hardly going to be outing. There must be thousands of couple in a similar situation.

Get a lock for your bedroom, or a room where you can keep your things and don't leave anything lying about where he can move it.

Thatfirstcoff · 03/06/2025 08:07

Theuniversalshere1 · 03/06/2025 08:02

Yes but trying to remain as anonymous as possible.

Huh?

Renabrook · 03/06/2025 08:10

Ahsheeit · 03/06/2025 07:52

He's absolutely doing it on purpose, nothing to do with ADHD, he's just an arsehole. Start stashing your stupid in a safe place so he can't play his little games. You won't have to put up with his bullshit soon.

He?

Sometimeinadifferentworld · 03/06/2025 08:21

Yes it's gaslighting.

I'm glad you are on your way out of the relationship OP.

Best wishes going forward.

Mauvehoodie · 03/06/2025 08:21

Yes, this sounds like gaslighting. Would there be any conceivable reason at all for them to have taken your keys and put in the floor under cardboard? Do they lose their own things?

Can you use a travel wallet or similar to keep your important things on you? Or hide them yourself before they get a chance to?

Thatfirstcoff · 03/06/2025 08:25

Theuniversalshere1 · 03/06/2025 08:03

It is very exhausting.

So don’t add to the exhaustion by trying to analyse behaviour that very shortly will no longer be your problem ever again!!

Ahsheeit · 04/06/2025 10:25

Renabrook · 03/06/2025 08:10

He?

They, and stupid should be stuff, auto correct fail.

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