IM FEELING SO GUILTY

[34yearsinthedarkness]

Yesterday my grandson said that my husband is really sad and sobbing and sent me his love. My daughter said he is in shock and is sure I’m coming back.
yesterday I declared myself homeless and it took the council 5 hours to find me somewhere at least for the night.
I was doing ok and didn’t regret leaving but it was so long together and I’m sitting in a bare room in a safe house and I barely slept because it’s really damp and freezing cold, especially as it is pissing down!
I told them I didn’t want to hear anything but I was also talking about him and I shouldn’t have done.
i just feel anxious, scared and very alone, which I haven’t been ever in my life.
i know I should be grateful I’m not out in the rain but I can’t get my head round it not being my home and us not being together.
im even thinking it’d be better to stay home because I miss that too and maybe i would’ve carried on coping.
i know you’ll say its a trauma bond but its my trauma bond and i think im going to go to a nearby city and thats even worse. There are no spaces at Charity houses with staff in my city and at least i wouldnt be able to run home at the drop of a hat.
im sobbing and he probably isnt even thinking about that, but about how sad he feels. I’ve always gone back after 2 days staying with my daughter nearby and that didn’t ever feel like I meant it.
ive never blocked him before and i know its for the best but im really struggling.
im getting help for my bipolar soon because i have to hold it together, I haven’t slept properly for so long and it’s my biggest bipolar trigger along with stress.
i wish he’d left because id be fine, at home not sitting here not wanting to leave it and have to meet the 3 other people.
idk how long ill be here for even, i dont think i thought about it properly- I’ve tried not to hurt anyone because my conscience never let me and i could make it all ok.
i didn’t think for one second id feel like this.
its like im saying, thats what my life was meant to be.

They usually place you away from your abuser. I'm sorry you had to run, that's pretty scary. Can your daughter bring you anything? Why aren't you medicated? It would be a good idea to see someone as soon as possible.

I am medicated it’s just they don’t want me to get really low because I’m not always safe. My daughter is coming later but I just want to go home when I see her because that’s what always happened.
im sobbing scared, I knew it would be hard and I’m trying but I’ve never felt so low in my life

I'm sorry you're feeling so low, however you must be in danger and it sounds like you've been in an abusive relationship for a long time. If you go back your life could be in danger.

Hopefully your daughter can bring you clothes, money and other essentials to make you more comfortable. Things will get better.

OP you've done the hard bit, I know it seems awful at the moment but the only way is up!
Just re-read your previous thread and the reasons why after all these years you could stand it no longer. You only have one life, in time , I am sure, you will have a better one. Just remind yourself he isn't going to change and if you went back, it would be more of the same, in fact probably worse.
Good luck and stay strong x

You're not alone.
It will get better.
Stay strong and safe. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hi OP

It does get better. I have been where you are now. At first it was scary. I couldn't cope, my DS was still so young and I did ring my ex (who was abusive) and told him we could sort it out. I was a mess!

I had gone for a reason and I'm so glad I stayed gone.

Bit by bit, I rebuilt my life and it was the best decision I ever made!! You can do that too! You have taken the first step to living a life for you, without abuse. It is so freeing.

Please grab whatever support you can and I know its hard but don't think you have to settle and go back because it's "safe" and what you know. Abusers rarely change. My ex never changed.

Thanks- I went for a walk because I’m lucky to have temporary accommodation but it’s awful in a party of town I don’t know, and it felt like part of me wasn’t there. He was vile and I know he can’t change so why I can’t stop crying is because I didn’t want to have to do this, we threatened each other with it for so long neither of us actually believed it would ever happen- I wonder after all this time with my mh and debts - i have no idea how much we owe, I let him to everything for me because he wanted to and it was easy- but it wasn’t ok and I know I have to move forward but the pain in my chest is terrible and I cried the whole time I was out and people were looking at me because I look as well as feel unhinged!
i warned him all year that I couldn’t stay if he wouldn’t talk to me about our relationship but he didn’t because he just hasn’t got the emotional maturity and I told him I’d leave if the shouting and name calling and aggression didn’t stop and he didn’t believe me and he just can’t stop- it’s him and he thinks he did nothing wrong and can’t understand what he did so bad on FRIDAY!
let alone the rest of the time. I just feel so sorry for him, I can’t not- I’ve always been the one who’s been left, this is just so much worse and I’m trying but I’m just losing my mind

Take deep slow breaths. Write down the reasons why you left and read them back to yourself whenever you feel wobbly. Take it one minute at a time.

You will get through this and you will build a better life, and your mental health will no doubt gradually improve as you become more and more free of him.

Thanks x

Sending you hugs darling. Don't let them guilt you into going back into an abusive situation. As I've said before, you are a strong intelligent woman, you can do this.

told him I’d leave if the shouting and name calling and aggression didn’t stop

If you were with him you would still be being abused.
Imagine your future life with none of this abuse.

You took his favourite toy away. Which is you when he’s being aggressive, and now he has no one to play with.

Hes crying for him not you.

He gave my daughter an outstanding overdue speeding ticket for me to deal with and I’ll have to go to court- and I’m still crying because I don’t hurt people because I feel so terrible- and he sends me that- just feel stupid, I’m still grieving for the life I had, abuse or not, sitting g here is like being dropped into a pit of my own making- and then this. I’m struggling to cope if I’m honest, trying to listen to people who say it will be ok, but I wasn’t for some reason expecting a devastating mood crash- it takes a lot to stay well-
yoga I can’t now get to
A area we lived for most of ou marriage
my garden which was amazing therapy and it was just getting established
stupid things, I’m trying to be rational but I think I’m losing my mind

Can you make an appointment with a GP to adjust your medication? You can contact the Samaritans to talk at any time and the Domestic Abuse helpline is 24/7 if you need to talk about the relationship.

You're currently grappling with any excuse to go back. I remember one woman went back to horrific abuse (she'd lost the hearing in one ear) because she had nice sheets.

You can get free legal advice from Rights of Women. If you go back it's more of the same. It might help to write a list of his abuse and keep reading it to ground you.

I can’t sleep for more than 2 hrs a night, I can’t eat and I have the biggest stress I’ve ever imagined and my routines also gone and on their own they’re all triggers and I’ve never dealt with them on my own- I’m seeing psychiatrist on Thursday if I can get there- by then I’ll be living in a different town and it’s as close as I’m going to get and him not find me-

five years ago today I went to a refuge with my kids. Left with tons of debt he’d totted up in my name; I’m still paying it off actually.
Im no expert in mental health but good advice I found after leaving was not to try and think too far ahead, live minute by minute. Then just 15 minutes by 15 and try to notice that you’re ok. I gave myself a goal to note the date in 6 months time and see how I felt then compared to how I felt in the moment and I did it and we made it.
With the right support you will feel calm again and I always say now you can’t put a price on calm.
as for the debt, it used to horrify me but now I think it’s cheap price to pay to be rid of him.
I found lots of help from women’s aid, refuge and here on Mumsnet.
I hope you are able to feel some more calm soon and stay out of a bad situation. Lots of luck and sending support

Ty! We have tens of thousands of debt both joint and in my name. He dealt with finances and I have no real clue as we are behind on all our bills. He lost his job for not working basically so we have a joint universal credit claim he organised because I get so anxious dealing with things and I was happy not to have to do it.
im really worried about whether I need to contribute whilst I’m in a refuge, they’re my debts too and I don’t know what I’m meant to do.
i guess ill ask today when i go there, it seems insurmountable but if other people manage I’m sure I will too.
it still doesn’t seem real, I’ve been away 5 days, the longest I haven’t seen him in 34 year is 2 weeks and I really miss him.
im trying to do hour by hour, its easier. You telling me your story really gives me hope and im so grateful xxx

The National Debtline are really good and there's a helpline regarding financial abuse.
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-we-do/financial-support-line/

OP you’ve done so well to get out. Stay strong! I know it’s really hard especially initially. You’re doing the right thing but it will take time to adjust. It’s really normal to have these thoughts and feelings in your situation, you are not losing your mind, just very stressed understandably.

Can you ask your GP for some sleeping tablets short term? Or you can buy phenergan at a pharmacy to help with sleep if that works for you (it’s a sedating antihistamine licensed for insomnia). I agree it’s important you get sleep to try and avoid triggering your bipolar disorder more at the moment. It’s not surprising you feel low right now especially if you have bipolar disorder due to the stress of it all and being out of routine and away from your yoga and gardening etc but it will get better.

In terms of debt, yes you’re still responsible for any debt in your name. It’s important not to stick your head in the sand about this, having said that you’re still adjusting to a huge change and it doesn’t necessarily need addressed today, but soon. Stepchange can help you to manage this, but you may have to ask your daughter for help in getting the details of what is owed to who in your name to begin with. You will also need to inform the benefits people about the fact that your living circumstances have changed, and put in a claim for individual UC rather than joint UC with your former partner. This needs doing sooner rather than later but again it doesn’t have to be today if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Maybe your daughter can help you with some of these practicalities.

My daughter is helping me a lot, but her dad is also leaning on her and even though he’s been vile to her since she was about 7, she’s such an empathetic and a lovely person she says she can’t not help him.
she is a single parent of a 15 year old ( who is taking this v badly even though he kept telling me to leave) and blames me for hurting his grandad. He’s only a child and I’m worried about him too.
this affects everyone not just me, I wonder if I should’ve stayed for them although my daughter is fully behind me. She also struggles with poor mental health and I’m concerned about this, she will always support others to the detriment of herself.
i just want to go to the refuge and begin the next step, but it’s physically painful when reality hits and I think I’m still in shock.
one hour at a time.
i can speak to my support worker about money etc, but it’s my Dr and everything else I’ll have to change that fill me with panic. I’m sure everyone feels like this but it’s crowding in and suffocating me

Write a list and break it up:

See Dr re medication and sleep
Contact National Debtline for advice
Speak to IDVA or DV charity about benefits

You can use a benefit calculator on Turn2Us

Wikivorce has lots of information on divorce, as does the CABx website and Rights of Women can offer free legal advice re divorce and the ticket

My husband did the UC claim as he’s my advocate because I struggle to cope with everything like that so I don’t know anything about it. I happily stuck my head in the sand because it was easier and financially I’m totally in the dark, and I’ve always had a car to get around. ( it’s in my name but he paid loan) I guess he’ll keep it, I can’t afford it anyway so I’ll have to change that over, unless he stops paying and leaves the fallout to me.
its just so sad, but I have to look forward I guess and one day I’ll know where I stand with the debts- we will have to sell the house to pay it all off, idk when or anything- but on my own I’ll be debt free and that would never be the case if I’d stayed

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

You're grieving for the life you could have had if he'd been a good and supportive man. Material stuff can be bought again, debts can wait for now, the focus for now needs to be on you and getting through this shit bit.

You're far more capable than you think and you can have a good life as a single woman. Your daughter and grandson will adapt to the new family structure. Change is HARD, but sometimes necessary. Right now, it's 1 foot in front of the other and a gradual easing of the pain you're feeling now. You'll be okay, you really will.