work relationship

[ZubinB]

a guy at work has recently expressed his attraction for me; I'm a single mum of three; he has no kids but would like them. He has indicated he would like us to have some sort of relationship; one that it is secret; and I guess pretty casual? There is definite chemistry there, but I am concerned with making things awkward at work if it turned sour. Not sure what is in it for me really, aside from some risky casual fun? I am late 40s. he is late 30s

I have made the mistake multiple times.
do not go there .
I’ve just had to move jobs for this reason

Is he actually wanting a relationship or a bit of secretive fun?
It sounds like he wants a bit of a situationship/ friends with benefits type of thing and if you’re okay with that then go for it but if you’re unsure what you’re going to get from any of this then i’d probably hang fire just now.

pretty sure he does not want a relationship - which i think it always a bit disconcerting to throw that sort of statement out from the start. I've never been one for casual/fwb - I have too many insecurities and inhibitions for that! I'm an in or out person. Emotions and how they may grow is too unpredictable, surely?! Work is a safe place for me and I am doing well there - not sure I want to jeopardise that for such uncertainty.

Then 100% don’t

Then please don’t start anything with him! You are happy where you are and don’t need him to mess anything up for you, work wise and relationship wise!

Take the compliment from him and just keep your distance. He sounds like he wants some fun but on his terms and it won’t end well for you.

No! Do not jeopardise your work and safe place, these are priceless.

Don't.

He thinks you are desperate enough to have sex with him whilst keeping it secret from everyone else, because you are a single mum in her 40s.

Tell him to fuck right off.

Don't do it. Very messy potentially and definitely don't trust his motives

👏@hatty65

You have a lot more to lose than he does.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Absolutely not. No.

what went wrong when you did this?

Absolutely this.

Don't go there

i’m talking over a few decades here but I’ve had a few ‘players’ who just fucked me over but the worse was the proper relationship I had who ghosted me after 15 months , it was horrific still having to work in the same building .

I would be really offended if someone said he wanted to see me ‘in secret’ like I wasn’t good enough! So rude of him.

Op, it is quite obvious that this is a terrible idea. You say yourself you’re no good at casual so why are you even entertaining this? Bad idea all round.

Oh behave, you know this is a bad idea, he just wants a shag and sees you as an easy option

A secret?, have you asked why? .
Could it be because he has a reputation for sleeping with people at work and doesn't want others telling you what he is like. Maybe it could be as simple as work is very gossipy and he doesn't want people talking about his private life. Is he in a senior position?

Either way I wouldn't be up for being anyone's secret, you're both adults and both have to consider the consequences if it doesn't work out (which is why work relationships aren't always seen as a good idea). Surely at his age he should now be a bit more respectful to people he is interested in than offering a secret fwb 'relationship'

I met DH at work and continued to work with him for years and I know many couples who met at work and did the same. BUT after an initial period of not saying anything while we worked out whether this was going anywhere, we shared that we were a couple. The other couples were also known. So it’s possible to meet a partner at work and make it work.

But this guy isn’t proposing a proper relationship. It seems he’s just proposing sex. He may not want to commit because he wants to have children but that doesn’t mean he’s entitled to have you entertain him in the meantime.

You know you can’t do FWB so it’s not for you. In fact, there are periodic threads on here from people who actively chose FWB but are still really upset when it ends, and others who post about having to end FWB arrangements because they developed feelings or the other developed feelings. Repeated good sex with someone you like and get on with - I really think most of us can’t do that without developing a degree of closeness which it would hurt to lose.

You value your job and don’t want to have to walk away from it. So you’re best off keeping away from what this guy is proposing.

Don't shit where you eat.

This is exactly how I have been thinking; but you have articulated it so well and in a way I could not. Thank you. This is definitely how I feel about it; so I am going to abstain unless things change or he expresses his intentions/ideals in a different way. He keeps saying he wants it to be 'comfortable' which is an odd word to be using.

I totally agree with this.

Don't shit where you eat. Do not jeopardize the job that puts a roof over your children's head, food on the table, and clothes on their back for a coworker, and especially not for one who only wants secret sex.

Tell him he's being inappropriate and shut him down.

don't do it. Why does he want it to be a secret? Is he already in a relationship? Has he done this/tried to do this with multiple other women?

He means keep it secret as keep it secret from people at work. We went out for a drink to talk about it and had a short snog, but I'm keeping it at just that for now. Too busy and mindful to do anything else! Sex is definitely off the cards!