Is it the time to leave?

[Dobbysdad]

For the past year I've struggled with DH. A woman he works with is emotionally reliant on him and he's struggled to put boundaries in. He probably doesn't want to as I suspect he enjoys the connection he has with her. Attempts to try and address things resulted in him denying everything. Gas lighting me. Eventually he stopped the late night phone calls and texts. He shouts at me a lot. There's no happiness in our home unless I fight for it or organise things. Left to his own devices he'd never arrange anything with the kids, they'd sit at home all day watching TV. He shouts at me, shouts at the kids, I'm never good enough. I've come to terms with calling this emotional abuse.

There's a big sporting opportunity for one dc. They are in trials and likely to get in requiring a huge time commitment for transporting them around. Its their dream and I'd do anything to make my children happy.

I'm disabled and don't drive. If I leave and take the children with me it closes every door to their futures. If I stay, it's in a loveless marriage that I can put a brave face on for and make it as best as possible so the children get more opportunities.

He's just had a massive shout at me for suggesting he take half a day of leave for us to go camping as a family. He is too busy at work to even consider it. He's slammed the door and gone out to an activity. I locked myself in the bathroom just letting him shout at me.

I'm so desperately unhappy but how can I leave knowing how that decision would impact the children.

Any advice on how to grey rock for the rest of my life?

It sounds as though your marriage is over OP.

Have you explored how divorce would affect you financially?

You talk about you leaving with the children: whose name is the house in?

If you were to divorce your DH would still have responsibilities for your children so would he not take on some of the transport involved in your child's sport? If your child is very talented then the sports organiser's might be able to help, or suggest where help might be available for the practicalities such as transport.

Do you have any family or friends who can help support you?

It's an awful dilemma you have but I don't see how staying with your H is sustainable for you.

House is in both of our names although I paid the deposit.

Honestly, having locked myself in the bathroom hearing the yelling I just wanted to die. Just wanted to tell him there and then to move out but we can never talk because the kids are here. I try not to provoke shouting when they can hear which makes having any type of conversation impossible

Thank you for your reply and listening

"If I leave and take the children with me it closes every door to their futures".

Not necessarily, no. Why would that happen?.

"If I stay, it's in a loveless marriage that I can put a brave face on for and make it as best as possible so the children get more opportunities".

Staying for the sake of the children is a statement that often does not stand up to scrutiny. Whose sake would you be staying for really because it could be argued it is not theirs but your own because it is somehow "easier".

Staying will impact them badly because you will continue to do your own bit to teach them damaging lessons about relationships. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships.

Time and again on this and other sites many now adult children express the view that their parents only stayed together because of them. It did not make them as kids happy and many of them were relieved when their parents finally separated. Your children likely know far more about the parlous state of your marriage than perhaps either of you care to realise. Sound travels and they've likely heard an awful lot. They pick up on all the vibes too both spoken and unspoken between you and he. Be brave here and consider seeking legal advice re separation and divorce. You do not have to act on that but knowledge here is power. Also staying with him does not necessarily mean that he will not leave you going forward.

And grey rock is itself emotionally draining and can only be kept up for short periods. Do not martyr yourself here like this because there are no medals handed out for doing so. Would you want them to stay with a spouse who is verbally abusive and is cheating to boot?. No you would not. And no (sporting?) trial is worth that either.

You mentioned you are disabled OP, does that disability mean you cannot learn to drive, or are they separate issues?

It's why I can't drive.

The damage done to kids who witness an abusive marriage probably outweighs the benefits of the sporting opportunity.
Have you explored what support there may be regarding transport for your child?

He's not just abusing you OP, he's abusing the kids as well. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this untenable situation.

It is time to leave, but I don't think it should be your or the kids leaving - it ought to be him. Perhaps you could talk to Womens Aid, and ask their advice about what to do.

I really appreciate the comments, it's been hard reading them and realising my reality. I never thought it'd turn out like this

Of course you didn't! Noone ever does. The past is done. Look to your future.