BF dismissive, shrugs at me, had a go

[Calling]

I went on a French city break with my BF and I just don't know what to make of his behaviour some of the time. He turned unpleasant to me and I would value some advice about what happened, please. I just saw something emerge that stunned me and I feel punched in the stomach.
We met in the city where I went there before him and I was telling him about the things I had seen, but he wasn't really responding in his usual way, v probably because he had just been very busy and he said that he was very tired. So when he played up, I put it down to that.
We were enjoying a meal when he picked up his phone and took a call for about 15 minutes, then didn't say sorry. Usually we agree never to do that because we say it is rude during a meal in a restaurant.
He has a habit of butting in when I am asking a waiter about the menu and BF justified that by saying that his French is better than mine (it is) but I enjoy the interaction and practice. He continued to do that, despite my asking him not to.
When we were checking out, I put borrowed plug adapters on the hotel front desk and he said "you need to hand them back" - which I was doing, obviously. I diffused the situation by saying "no, I am going to take them home with me" and he shouted at me "no, you can't do that, they don't belong to you!". I was stunned that he shouted at me and patronised me like that. In fact there were other examples of him patronising and also dismissing me.

We went to a cafe in a garden and he went off to buy coffees. I found seats and was chatting to a v nice couple. I couldn't see BF and waved. Eventually, BF returned with a face like thunder. When the couple left, he had a real go at me,
"you should not have chosen to sit with your back to where I was, I was looking for you, its not what couples do, I sent you a text" and went on. He was really angry. It was a mistake of mine.
When we queued to get into a restaurant, he offered to queue for me in the heatwave while I sat in a shady cafe and he would phone me. I got his phone calls but there was no sound so I sent him a text to say what's happening. Then I got up and found him at the head of the queue and he just had a furious go at me: "you didn't answer texts, I waited and now we have to stand aside waiting for the man to let us in'. Why didn't you answer my texts? I said "again, you are accusing me without looking at things. I sent you texts! He showed me his texts and he had sent them by WhatsApp not by text as we had agreed (issues with my phone). He didn't say sorry.

The last day, we met for lunch and he seemed in a better mood and he said he had had a good explore, then I said you seem in a much better mood, that you had not always been and eventually I said that I was upset by his behaviour to me. I really tried hard to have a non-blaming discussion. He said you should have raised them at the time and I said it doesn't matter, I'm raising it now, it's my right to say when I want to". He said things like he was ok with having an argument and I said look, I virtually never have one, I am telling you my feelings, if you want an argument you pick on someone else. He said "I used to be like you, never expressing my feelings", I replied "I have just been telling you my feelings! I am really upset that you shouted at me." I carried on and then he just shrugged in a dismissive way and I pointed that out and he shrugged again dismissively.

I said that I had been upset and cried but he offered no comfort or compassion.
I have been feeling numb ever since I got home (we live apart and not in the same area).
Sorry for the longish post. Is his behaviour enough to leave him? I have a lot to lose by doing so, he had been v supportive before.

I tend to agree with @mounjaromounjaro , if you’re going to do it, why wait and have an uncomfortable lunch? Just call and tell him. Get it over with asap. But however, whenever, I’d make it fairly bland rather than ‘because you were a dick on this and that day’ which sort of invites explanations and reasons. Unless he is together with BBC woman, a natural reaction from most guys would be to argue and try to fight back for what’s been taken away, without thinking about whether they really want it or if it’s right (also I suspect he may be slightly autistic which will make this unexpected change even harder to get his head around) so it might be best to leave some space to minimise this reaction. Chin up @Calling , start planning your next trip😁

You too can judge people on how they make you feel.

He made you feel like a badly behaved child, and spoiled your holiday. You’ve decided you don’t need that in your life.

And you can text that if you want to. If he challenges that, point out that he gets shouty when things don’t go his way, so you are choosing not to be shouted at.

Stop thinking about him. Think about you!

@Calling Why can’t you just call him and end it ?
why are you putting yourself through this ? You don’t owe him anything op.

Thanks for your support and comments: I really appreciate them.
As to why don't I just text him, I am basing my plan on my instinct as to what is best for me. I think that I can judge things better if I see him in person. I could be wrong.
Apart from recent nasty events, he has been very good to me at times and I feel that it's only respectful. Plus we share a lot of history.

It will be an uncomfortable lunch...
I think that he might well be slightly autistic of something. His lack of a response to when I said I had been upset was a massive red flag.
I will have to keep it all rather bland and without accusing him and raking things up. If he starts, then I will have to shut it down, firmly.

No mutual kids? If there's doubt there's no doubt, get rid. Can't believe you're even wasting time asking here the fact you're asking provides your answer.

I will, once this is over, tomorrow!
And as @NCtoavoidsniggering says, I will plan my next trip. I will be able to talk to waiters happily in my well-meaning French, without Mansplainer interrupting and talking to them 'for me' - infuriating, especially when I had asked him not to, several times.

No kids, thank goodness.
I have decided to leave him.

This is a rubbish take on the situation. He is showing red flags and sounds emotionally abusive, regardless of whether or not she was looking out for him in the cafe. He has eyes too, it's a non event.

Today is dumping day! At least I will get a decent lunch out of it and some decent wine. Ha! Off to the big city now. Will buy a day return ticket for the train, not a period return...
I will let you know how it went.

Annoyingly I can see from both sides that you both did wrong things

Not helpful? Basically they’re incompatible. She’s more spontaneous, impulsive, outgoing. He’s borderline ASD and controlling. It’s about accepting the incompatibility not laying blame, I think.

I DID IT. I had rehearsed what to say: "I don't think that this is working any more for me." He had not been expecting it. As predicted, he wanted to know why, so I said that we don't seem to be getting along like we used to, that I had really tried and this was difficult for me, I had wavered, etc. I am proud of myself for not blaming, not rising to any bait and not getting accusatory!
I was tearful he was not and didn't offer any comfort. Well, he wouldn't then.
It really helped to meet in a restaurant because we both sort of were on good behaviour.
So he said that he had rather I had not felt that way but something happened a few months ago that made him not entirely surprised and he said that I had had too much to drink back on that occasion- I said that I didn't agree with what he says I said back then, but it doesn't really matter.
I really chose not to say much about it and what I said was straight to the point, if rather trite. But then apparently I don't express my feelings (!). I made a big thing about how I FELT and why.
And now we enter into dangerous territory because a man has been rejected. Some DARVO on his part, as I feared, No surprise there. Essentially, he says that we just cannot discuss us or argue properly and the hint was that it was my fault - of course.

Do you know, before I did the dumping, he was telling me a story of him discussing something with a member of a society and he (my now ex) said that he never told anyone what to do, ever!!! That he always let other people take the lead after suggesting things! That he is never domineering! Etc. How I bit my tongue, I will never know. What made him say that, eh?!?

I was really treading on eggshells. It was all illuminating.
Essentially, it IS my fault according to him "because of a character fault you have, that we have talked about several times, that we (ie I am ar passive aggressive. I had wondered about that little gem of an excuse.
I was probably too nice, and did not engage, but it worked out in the end, and texting would not have achieved my aim.
There's other bits, but essentially it is over and I can now scream.

Scream? No, just breathe
I get the feeling he’s not such a bad guy - there’s worse! More that you weren’t right for each other. And you were pretty decent about it, Give yourself a little hug

He said the usual thing of "you should shout at me when I take a long phone call during a meal". Should I? No, it's up to me how I respond. What really should happen is that he should not do it in the first place.

I really am not one to shout at someone in a restaurant, that would be horrible.

@NCtoavoidsniggering you are supposed to criticise him! 😂 We are so reasonable... he wasn't all that bad today, it could have been worse and I know that his pride was hurt, oh dear.

I denied him a scene or an argument.

He is not the person you are meant to be with. Throw this one back.
A weekend break should be fun and filled with exploration. It shouldnt be questioning whether you should be together,
Do yourself a huge favour and end this relationship and hold onto the fact that someone better suited will come along.
Don't waste your life with trash x

Lord but he sound like an odious, tedious, bore.
8 years!
Be glad you finally saw the light.👏
Good luck.

@itsnotalwaysthateasy That is true, I just felt that we have so much in common and have great talks about some shared mutual interests. I wonder whether that masked things.
His irritating and bad habits I used to tolerate, but I won't any more.
When you go off someone, that stays.
I did leave him yesterday.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Absolutely. I came to my senses and realised that a snowflake in hell had more chance of survival than the relationship being 'fixed' by me. So, it wasn't a failing on my part.
His crap childhood - yes! He had a narcissist mother and recently, every time we met, he talked about her and the effect she had on him and so on. I think that I had one too... so that was a bond between us. But every time became draining for me. I did suggest that he go to a qualified counsellor about it, but he had not. Really, I supported him but he needed a professional.
His mother affected him a lot and I did wonder whether his treatment of women stemmed from his resentment.

Update: he has sent me a photo of a pub not a million miles away from me, saying he went on a walk. Checked it out and it was the pub and he had photographed it that day! Now I know that he goes on walks with friends but that was odd! The message was harmless.

And more: he sent me a message on the lines of 'as beautiful as when we first met' (back in ye olden days).
I don't think that this is stalking but he is thinking of me in fond terms...
We had agreed to meet strictly as friends for a catch up in some months' time, but no mention of getting back together.

Good that things are amicable 😁
8 years is a long time to let go of though, so it’s wise to keep some distance for a while, until you’ve both found your ‘new normal’. Especially if he ‘happens’ to be going for walks close to you….

I don't think meeting as friends is a good idea, I think you should cut all ties now and block him.

@NCtoavoidsniggering and @Idontjetwashthefucker thank you. He has tried to call me but I have not answered. Really, this is not what I was expecting and I am very surprised at him. However, I have read on MN that other men do that and try for a second chance. I am resolute.

I honestly thought that he had moved on, got it on with the woman I mentioned and had behaved like that to make me leave him. I say that because he confessed much later on that when we split up the first time, he had deliberately been unkind so as to make me leave him and that really hurt me to hear that. Maybe I have got that wrong and he felt bad about that and it was a long time ago.
So this is unhealthy.