Nan not interested

[VeeVee123]

For the past 8 years we have tried to get MIL to be an active part in our girls lives.
There were a period for about a year where she wouldn't have anything to do with us because the issue was raised about how she never really showed any interest in them.
We have attempted to reconcile over the years and think we are getting somewhere and then it all goes quiet unless we put all the effort in.

We call her occasionally but not regular because the conversation always ends up back to her and she never asks anything about them or to speak to them. If we say for example X is in at the moment would you like us to shout her down and you can have a chat she says yes but never asks herself if they are in or calls us. We haven't been to see her for a while because of how little interest she has and it was always us visiting. She's been invited to stay for a weekend, many times but doesn't take up the offer.

Should we accept that nothing is going to change after all this time and she isn't really interested and we can't make her be an active part of their lives.

My daughter has this with her partners mother. She literally lives 5 minutes walk away. She has only seen the 6 year old a handful of times and i think she has seen the 3 year old twice. My daughter has given up asking her.
Just cut your losses and accept that some people are not interested. It will make your life easier.

Respectfully, OP, your post is making me think of that old saying about the definition of madness being doing the same thing over and over and expecting the outcome to be different. I’d just accept that the relationship isn’t what you’d like it to be. With luck, your children have other family members around them, who are interested,

What was your dp’s relationship like with their mum when they were a child?

The way I think about it, when people don’t seem to want to have relationships is to think of your life like a dolls house. We’ve always imagined that the granny in the dolls house is maternal. Is loving. The same way that the daddy is helpful and kind. A lot of the time in real life when people are not warm or able to build relationships with us it feels like our dolls house is missing people. Granny should be here. But what we should also remember is other adults can always offer us warmth and love. It doesn’t have to be from DNA Granny. Or even a granny. We can put as many safe and lovely people in our house as we can, figuratively! Mil can only offer what she has to give. It’s tragic and no one wins but luckily for you, you can model relationships and the joy of long standing connections through all the good people in your life now.

Why on earth are you trying to foist your children on someone who is patently disinterested in them?

very odd. I wouldn’t want my children to be around someone who doesn’t want to be around them!

Should we accept that nothing is going to change after all this time and she isn't really interested and we can't make her be an active part of their lives.

YES!! Leave the poor woman alone, she’s had 8 YEARS of being harassed

My Dad's mum was not interested in us at all, loved her daughter's children, ignored her son's. So Dad (and his brothers ) did the obligatory visits and left it at that, as no point flogging dead horses. Mum's parents were those we spent time with.

I wouldn’t bother with her. She is showing you by both word and deed she is not interested in having a relationship.

Should we accept that nothing is going to change after all this time and she isn't really interested and we can't make her be an active part of their lives.

Sadly, yes. There is nothing you can do. My mil is the same. Remember you reap what you sow, as she becomes elderly and wants her family involved and to help her out

My FIL is only really interested in his own children and grandchildren, on a superficial level. He will ask how everyone is, but all he wants to hear is 'yes, we're all fine'. It's almost ticking a box exercise. He's asking because he feels he should, and isn't interested in any answer other than 'yes, we're all fine'. No point in sharing any real details or telling him if there is an issue, because you can see the shutters come down!! We do visit and call but we know there's little point in engaging too much. You need to accept your MIL isn't interested, and stop trying. She hasn't engaged in 8 years, and isn't likely to start now. Yes, it's sad, but like my FIL it's her choice.

Yes, accept it and drop the rope. My mum hasn’t seen or spoken to my children in 5 years, hasn’t spoken to me in 3 years. MIL lives close by and has vague interest, but still only sees them a few times a year (when we host her and her dog for the weekend because her main objective is getting away from her awful partner for a few days 🙄).

I had one set of lovely involved grandparents and one set I saw from afar a Christmas or a family wedding as they didn’t really care. Honestly, I didn’t think it was weird or upsetting not to have them around and I have no feelings about them now as an adult. Good family adds something wonderful, bad family who actively cause you pain as a child take away from that, but the non-existent ones are just non-existent. Your kids won’t even notice if you don’t make a big deal about it and turn it in to something bigger than it is. It’s her loss more than theirs.

@ Sassybooklover
“My FIL is only really interested in his own children and grandchildren”

Well, who else’s children should he be interested in? I think that often, MILs are more interested than FILs anyway - depending on the age of the FIL, they were likely to have been much more hands- off parents, so presumably they are now more hands-off grandparents. Having said that, my own DF absolutely loved babies; didn’t get on so well with toddlers, but really came into his own when the DGC were old enough to do things - he used to do woodwork with my DS and played endless games of cards and board games with all the DGC.

After 8 yrs, id drop the rope

We had to accept something similar. My XH's parents, who were good people but lived very small lives, took a bit of interest in the oldest because she was their first grandchild, then in the second because he was a boy and we'd accepted XH's brother's request to be his godfather, but they told us they weren't interested when we had the next child and soon found a pretext for saying the older children were banned from their house. When XH and I were divorced they occasionally visited him but didn't want to see the children.

When XFiL died I took the children, teenagers by now, to his funeral (I did ask the family's permission first) and the two youngest of them met their grandmother for almost the first time. Her grandchildren all struck up a regular written correspondence with her which continued until her death a couple of years ago. In retrospect, I wish I'd thought about letter-writing as a way to engage Grandma's interest a decade or more before, and had the children get to know her in a way that she could cope with.

Igneous, thanks I've said that saying to myself many times.
Speakball, I think that's why I've tried so much because I feel something is missing, my mum is no longer here, she was fantastic when she and despite being much older than nana (nana had OH at 20, my mum was 38) took every opportunity to spend time with them .
Moregum, harrased!! She was so excited when she found out I was pregnant, couldn't wait for a little grandaughter, then when pregnant for a second time she was so called excited again so assumed she would be involved and every so often she demonstrates she wants to and then it dwindles!
Comedycook, thanks for letting me know there is nothing we can do. It seems a shame for her to have missed all those younger years with them.

For 8 YEARS she’s been very clearly reluctant to engage. In fact for one of those 8 years she didn’t have anything to do with you all at all.

She has never taken you up on multiple invitations to stay, never calls you, never invites you over, never asks about any of you.

For 8 years this woman has been making it abundantly clear that a) she doesn’t want to engage and b) even if she did, is she really the type of person you’d want around your children?

OP you are well and truly flogging a dead horse here. She hasn’t misled you (being excited about the pregnant 8 years ago I don’t think can really be drawn upon as a reason why 8 years later you’re expecting her to change), she is simply not interested.

I can’t imagine she was a good mother or that your DH has happy childhood memories in any event. And this persisting must be a painful reminder of that for him.

Leave her alone and focus on people who want to spend time and care about you and your family.

Deep down I don't think I'm expecting her to change.

OH spoke to her frankly about how her coming and going was upsetting and confusing for the girls when they were younger. So her being stubborn that's why she didn't bother for a year but eventually popped back into their life.

I don't feel misled, just confused why she isn't interested when I look how much involvement my mum had and how much involvement her grandad has and my father did (he passed when youngest was 3)

Thanks everyone, you have all made me realise that we are wasting our time trying to get her to be interested so will plod on with occasional calls and the odd visit.

My mother had very little interest in my children and lived a stone’s throw away. She never looked after them or kissed and cuddled them. Her mother died when she was born and she was handed round like an unwanted parcel for her formative years. She spent a lot of my childhood in mental hospitals. I guess she didn’t know how to be a mother or grandmother. Maybe OP’s MIL had a traumatic childhood too?

I’m think @Sassybooklover meant “my father-in-law’s interest in his children and grandchildren is purely superficial.”

Why are you forcing it? It makes no sense

Also the MiL has her own dollhouse metaphor, and it doesn’t look like OP’s.

At a guess, MiL’s dollhouse is the one that is beautifully decorated with scenes set up in each room. You don’t move the figures about, they have specific roles to play and need to stay in their box.

My dollhouse is more like the ones where the dog gets in the baby’s cradle and granny is hiding under the bed while daddy helps the children climb the outside of the stair banister.

Your poor mother.

It will be interesting to see how much help she expects as she ages.

OH spoke to her frankly about how her coming and going was upsetting and confusing for the girls when they were younger.

she’s not been coming and going

she has never shown the slightest interest since pregnancy. You persistently invite her and she very occasionally has accepted reluctantly.

stop inviting her and then this very very rare visits won’t happen anymore

just confused why she isn't interested when I look how much involvement my mum had and how much involvement her grandad has and my father did (he passed when youngest was 3)

I bet your dh isn’t the least bit confused because presumably his childhood was pretty shitty