please talk to me before I explode...........

[peppasmum]

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Im a regular and have posted several times about dh and the fact that we "clash" over his social times out.

I guess 90% of my life im happy with but when it comes to dh and him socialising then im not.

We occasionally socialise as a couple BUT these days NEVER in a group of couples. For the 12 years I have been with dh he has always had a huge drink problem...he doesn't know when to stop...his nights out became more managable over the years and I thought he was starting to grow up etc BUT now I don't know....

It seems to have hit an all time low over the last 2 months and I know we have money issues (recently come to light) and dh is stressed with work BUT atm he is a loose cannon.
He's been to his gp who has advised him to loose weight as this is adding to his stress and to find other social activities NOT drink. I have also arranged for him to see a counsellor which he's so far had 2 sessions..so I guessed things were starting to improve.

But not so. To give examples:

2 weeks ago dh was out with the lads..7pm-6.30 am

5 days later on his birthday he decided to leave me home with the dk's while he went out...7pm-10.30am

a week later he was out again (this sat) 2pm-7.30am

Tonight after promising me he wasn't going out he has just choosen the lads over me and gome to watch the match.

Thing is its any excuse to get out. The football is one atm BUT come tomorrow it will change.
I don't trust him to go out and come back at a reasonable hour and earlier in the week he discussed driving tonight.......BUT he's ended up getting a lift.

Im suffering with pnd and atm feel im carrying this family, im sad, annoyed and feel that I no longer know my dh. He seems to have forgotten his vows yet he often throws it in my face when I bring up a split, telling me that just because of bad times im abandoning ship. Im not, I just can't bare to watch him self destruct and tbh I don't think I love him anymore. It saddens me to type that BUT surely I deserve more.
Maybe we have grown apart, maybe I have changed BUT I just want a happy family and imo it doesn't revolve around drink....

Help me please.........dh theatens me that if I leave he will fight for custody of the dk's saying im a bad mother (im not btw) and saying I won't win. He thinks im moaning and goads me on a regular basis that I won't leave.
I have told him I will move out with the dk's and he says im holding the dk's over him but ffs I can't leave them with him, he works and im a sahm...

They always say that about custody. It really is not true. (Not that he'd want full responsibility anyway as it would restrict his social life!) If you are the primary carer you will continue to have primary care unless he can PROVE you are unfit - and he can't, can he? Courts prefer parents to have equal responsibility and fair access, but if he does try and force it to a straight fight for control YOU WILL WIN. You have children who are obviously well looked after. You have schools, doctors, neighbours who can all witness the quality of your parenting. He has... a drink problem.

Do what you have to do for yourself and the children. And don't listen to that "marriage vows" shit. That was a two way contract. He's broken his half. I happen to believe that "for better, for worse" bit means the good and bad things you go through TOGETHER, not "no matter how badly one of you treats the other".

Ask him to phone AA and have a chat with them, get some literature and explain that if he has no fear about having a drink problem he'd phone. If I were you I would ring them whilst he's out and see what advice they have.

thanks annie.

DH knows im a billiant mother and in fact has stressed that he would rather me look after the dk's (both toddlers) over parents/nursery etc which is fine by me as its obviously means im doing things well...

BUT dh says silly comments that he would do all he could to prove otherwise. I never know if he is joking or being serious.

Thing is what do I do next..aibu in wanting out of this marriage when its only 10% of the time im unhappy..although I guess the other 90% im left wondering "what will he do next" I just hate the way I get left when he decides the lads are better company and tbh I can't be bothered fighing for his attention.

he thinks ibu by not agreeing to him going out even though he knows I hate the early morning home times.

Im at a loss..

Let me tell you first of all that no judge will take custody away from you, regardless of what he says o don't worry about that! Sorry but he sounds like a right prat. He may need help with his drink but also if you're having financial problems then he shouldn't be spending on such long nights out (drinking in a pub/bar/club is expensive!). He's very selfish, thinking about having fun and leaving you at home.
I've been there, and still going though it now.

posieparker, will someone be around now at AA..?

I did actually get AA online yesterday and showed it to dh. He just laughed and said he questions on the "test" were laughable and that they could be twisted to show him in a bad light . I think he has a drink problem and sadly my mum and sister have questioned me on the same lines...

Yes I expect there's someone there and they're well trained. My dp has a poor relationship with alcohol and would always drink way too much, having a chat was the best thing he ever did! Although I did leave him for one night and took the children, it was a very effective wake up call.

0845 769 7555

I say the same thing re: finances BUT its in one ear out the other. Honestly he's very erratic atm.

I just can't understand why he would rather stay out till all hours..thats what depresses me more and it makes me want out of this mariage.
Its the same everytime though, he's full of remorse the next day, says it will never happen again, theres no occasion coming up for a night out blah de dah and not long after it happens again.

He makes me feel guilty as though im controlling him YET im concerned for him and his "family". I don't want to split us up for I feel he's pushing me into a corner.

As bad as it sounds I do actually often think about meeting someone on the side iykwim . I just feel I need something better. Surley not all blokes are like this..?

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire

61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)

I'm not sure where you are but I thought this may help too.

he sounds as if many of his behaviours are from the same place. Please phone al anon, I am sure the way you feel is really common.

Hello

What reason does your DH give for being out all night? Where is he? How does he justify his absences from the home?

Most reasonable people, of both genders would not think it acceptable for a grown man with a family to be out all nite ffs.

I feel for you and would probably have exploded in rage by now.

It is easy for him to 'escape' the responsibilities of parenthood which we all know on here can be bloody tough, sometimes it feels like its unrelenting but if you are a decent person you don't opt out, IMO.

I think whatever you do, you must be very calm and clear with him what your intentions are.

I think it would be agood idea to arrange some time alone for just you and Dh, in a non alcohol venue. Explain exactly how you are feeling and the effect his alcohol consumption and absences are having on you/ relationship/kids. Explain that you do not fee these are 'marital bad times' but a choice he is making. say that if he continues down this road then you will simply have no option but to re-evealuate your marriage. Explain that you still love him but do not love his alcohol use/absences.

It may be a good idea to seek legal advice in any case and maybe this would be the reality check he needs, he is being selfish but unless something tangible changes in you then he probably won't change. ask him to consider how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, ie would it be ok if you had regular binges/absences?

Would he consider couples counselling? Is there perhaps an underlying reason for his excessive drinking etc?

And please don't be dragged into his threats ref the kids, its all crap and a way to enable him to carry on the way he is by keeping you uncertain/scared. it really isn't true.

posie, I was onto that number before you gave it BUT it sems its mostly for alcoholics and not to sound harsh the bloke I spoke to sounded like he was maybe a member .
He said he couldn't advise me BUT was more there to speak to dh iykwim....

He has given me a number though for family members but it sounds more like for people who's lives have been affected by a partner...

Al anon, is probably best. sorry....

posie, just come of the phone from a lovely lady at al anon and she has given me details for a class local to me. I will look at attending it next week.

She says that the answer to has dh got a problem lies in the question "is it affecting me"..sadly yes it is.

advicepleasemums,dh has no excuses for staying out late..well none reasonable anyway.
Saturdays were that he wanted to stop out longer..I found out afterwards that he and his mates had spent 2pm-3am at a mates house then they all went home except him and another who got a taxi into town...Bizarre if you ask me...he then got a taxi at 6am from one part of town to another and spent an hour looking around the towns local market... Bizarre and embarassing behaviour and im ashamed...

Thing is one of his mates is suspected of having an affair and although dh assures me he would never do that his actions atm aren't showing different.
He knows im concerned but seems oblivious about it.

He says I don't go out enough yet I don't feel the need to sit in a pub till all hours drinking and when I ask him how he would feel if roles were reversed he replies "I would encourage it" although there has been a time when he agreed with me. He wouldn't like it yet maybe he says that as he knows its not in my nature and im not into "tit for tat".

He thinks im always on his case yet if I had the bloke who went to the pub once a month for a few hours and came home coherant then fine...sadly I don't.

Your husband sounds like a juvenile boy. What you need is a MAN in your life so you can feel looked after. How old is he? I'm guessing in his twenties. Men change a lot between 20 and 40. They become less needy, especially sexually I think. The irony is that when they can either take it or leave it, they become very attractive to their wives and life gets better. It's hard for you at the moment though, I remember just going off mine completely and considering affairs etc.

Your dh's behaviour is not going to improve unless & until he gives up alcohol. You are not unreasonable to give him an ultimatum, and if he ignores it, to leave him.

Any one who thinks the courts would award residency of young children to an alcohol abuser over their mother, is very misguided. Unless you are doing drugs and prostitution at home, which I guess you're not, you are much more likely to become the main carer in the event of a split.

salla....dh is 32...not in his twenties... Im still in my twenties however although alot more maturer than dh.