Insecurities coming back after having a baby

[soashamednamechange]

I’ve been with my husband for almost 9 years and married for 2. We’ve got a 6 month old baby and since he was born, I’ve really struggled with feelings of not being enough and of being envious of my husband’s life prior to me meeting him.

For context, we met when I was 22 and he was 25. We’d both been in similar-length relationships previously and his had broken up about 18 months-ish before we met. Everything was great at first, but then I got the feeling that he wasn’t over his ex - he’d leave the room to look at her social media etc, called her names when the topic of previous relationships ever (very briefly) came up.

I started to feel really insecure about what his relationship with her had been like. They’d been travelling together, festivals, clubbing etc. and my life seemed so boring in comparison. I saw photos of them together through mutual friends and she seemed so different to me - blonde, confident, curvy etc. She had broken up with my partner and I got the feeling that she was his ‘one who had got away’. The insecurity started to eat away at me and my confidence. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to be with me and assumed I was some kind of consolation prize.

In my previous relationship, my then-boyfriend was completely up front with me that he’d liked our friend and asked her out before me, but she turned him down. So I think in both my long-term relationships, I’ve never felt like the first choice.

Although the bulk of this is about my own low self esteem and lack of confidence, things weren’t helped by my partner not being very demonstrative or talking about his feelings. At points I actually felt that he was ashamed of being with me - he’d walk ahead of me, would barely talk to me if we were in a group, that kind of thing. He’d spend his free time playing sports or going out with work friends. When we got married, he wouldn’t refer to our honeymoon as a honeymoon, just a holiday after our wedding. I felt so low that I considered leaving the relationship.

I didn’t, and we now have a baby boy together. But since he was born, all of the old insecurities about my relationship with my husband and his relationship with his ex have resurfaced, and it feels like it’s tearing my brain apart. I’ve never felt good enough for him, and I’ve constantly been plagued by the thought that, if she ever wanted him back, he’d go without a second glance. I don’t know if that’s true, but I’ve harboured that feeling our whole relationship.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been open with him about how I feel, leading on from thinking he had a thing with a work colleague (I’ve never ever been suspicious of this before - but he started mentioning the colleague all the time, seeming overinvested in her family life, saying that if we won the lottery, he’d give her and her family money as the first thing he thought of. The colleague is also similar to his ex in that she’s blonde, confident, sporty - it hit all of my insecurities).

He was distraught at how I’d been feeling and that I’d considered ending our relationship. He’s said that he’s committed to showing me how much I mean and have always meant to him, and I do believe that, but I’m also so sad for the part of me that has never felt good enough, pretty enough, fun enough. I thought for years that he was settling for me.

Something I feel real shame about is that my husband likes me in underwear his ex wore - same style and specific brand. I never wore it before him and did it because he liked it. And if I’m honest, I look good in it. But it also crushes me inside that he likes it because someone else wore it first and it’s so specifically related to pre-me. And I feel ashamed that I’ve gone along with it to please him when I should’ve had an ounce of self esteem and said ‘your ex’s underwear? Are you kidding me?’

We have a ‘special’ place that we’ve been on holiday together to several times, and I know my husband went there with his family as a child. He proposed to me there and we have a lot of memories there. I thought he hadn’t been there since he was a child, and I’ve just found that he went with his ex before he met me. It doesn’t matter, does it? I’m being ridiculous. And yet I feel really hurt that I’ve felt this kind of spectre of his past over our relationship and that this one special place was ours together, and now I find out that she’s there too.

I don’t know what to do or think. I think this is post-baby hormonal stuff and the massive life change that comes from having a baby, plus years-old insecurities coming back to bite me on the arse. How do I heal and feel like enough? Please help. I’m so sorry this is so long. I feel really pathetic.

I’d really recommend therapy for you OP, 9 years is a long time to feel like this and you would really benefit from some time working on yourself x

Thank you.

I’m actually considering whether I should end the relationship over this - the feeling second best, never feeling enough, husband not prioritising us until I told him I was thinking of leaving. And also because it’s so unfair to him for me to be so insecure. Would that be an overreaction? I’ve been living this for so long and there’ve been good times but I’ve also felt really unhappy.

If you’ve spent 9 years unhappy then of course you can leave, you can end a relationship for any reason you want. I would recommend therapy first though because the thing is, any partner you have now will have an ex, they might even share kids with an ex- if the issue is you & your mind then you’re just going to end up in the same situation with a new man. Work on yourself, see how you feel.

@soashamednamechange
Try therapy first, lovey. Individually and as a couple.
You already had a shit ton of insecurities and you've just had a baby so your hormones will be everywhere.
I can see how things might look to you but it's possible your DH had no idea how you felt.

Thank you @S0j0urn4r. He said he genuinely had no idea and what has been going on in my head is not what’s been going on in his head all this time. He said he’s always loved me but didn’t know how to show it. Honestly, I’ve felt so unattractive and undesireable for years, and I look back at photos and think, gosh I actually looked quite attractive. I wish I’d felt it at the time.

I think the huge changes that come with having a baby have just kind of upended any self confidence I’d worked on, with my body changing and new massive responsibilities etc.

He’s a teacher and once one of his class asked him if his girlfriend (me) was pretty, and he said ‘I think she is’. I don’t know why he told me that but it fed into that massive insecurity that I’m not enough.

He said you were pretty, though.
If you work your employer may have access to counselling for you. There'll be a wait on NHS. Or look online for private. Relate might be good for couples therapy.

Why would that feed into your insecurities?

Surely his opinion is what matters to you here, so the fact that he thinks you're pretty is more important than whether anyone else does.

I think it was because of the tone ‘I think she is’, and implication that other people wouldn’t or don’t. I know you’re right that it shouldn’t matter. I think I’ve wanted to be someone he could be proud of being with, and I never have.

See, I could kind of get where you were coming from if the emphasis had been on the think, "I think she is" sounds like he's not really sure.

But you've put the emphasis on the "I". "I think he's handsome" would mean more to me from DP I think rather than just a straight "Yes, he's handsome".

It makes me wonder what else he's doing to show he loves you and fancies you that you're just not seeing because your insecurities are getting in the way.

No. That's how you're thinking but it doesn't seem to be the case. Your own insecurities may be stopping you from seeing things as they are.
Get off Mumsnet and go book some therapy or at least a GP appointment.

Hi OP, just wanted to send a hug and encourage you of your worth. I’m no trained counsellor, but worked in family mediation and have some related experience. I think insecurities can run really deep so may be rooted further back than your current long standing relationship. Performance parenting (as well as absent or abusive parenting) can be a causal example of low self esteem and insecurities, and as adults we can often unconsciously carry these issues that affect our self worth into our existing relationships. How you feel right now is also likely magnified by the baby hormones and exhaustion and emotions and rollercoaster living that comes with having a baby, it is a tumultuous time and can be very triggering for deep seated stuff. For me personally issues with childhood abuse resurfaced horribly through two pregnancies and felt like almost reliving it for a while and was distressing at the time. So it is possible you are projecting (these strong emotions) though your husband hasn’t helped by not being considerate of you in the ways you described and sounds like he has let you down in his behaviour at times. I’m sure if he knew what you were going through though he would want to assure you of his love and validate you, that you are in fact, his first choice :)
It is also a very natural thing to doubt ourselves as new parents eg ‘am I a good mother?, am I doing enough for my baby?’ etc so they are very linking emotional pathways.

My advice is don’t do anything drastic like leaving but same as others have said, seek help for yourself first. You may also be experiencing post-natal depression (which also can trigger anxiety) and there may be specific post-natal mental health support in your area so worth asking your Health Visitor at the first point.

You may want to speak to your husband too so you can help him understand what you are going through and find ways he can support you both emotionally and practically.

One other thing, you will be making so many new special memories together as a family, all beautiful and wonderful things that are just yours to hold in your heart. It will pale into the background the pre-baby memories as you enjoy your baby and all the joys (and dramas!) it brings 😊

I wouldn't do anything drastic right now. Your baby is only 6 months, the first year is really hard what with hormones, sleep deprivation and your new role as a mum. I agree with PP that you need to address this in 1:1 therapy. You need to work on you. Although, I don't think this is all about you and your insecurity. I think your husband needs to get a bit of originality. He might not have meant to hurt your feelings but I think he's been a bit thoughtless.

Thank you for your posts. I’ve looked into the counselling my workplace offers this afternoon.

I’d love to have felt appreciated and desired and wanted, but at times I feel as though I’ve given my best years of my 20s to someone who couldn’t or didn’t want to reciprocate, and that makes me feel really sad.

How are you doing @soashamednamechange ?

Some guys really are awful at communicating their feelings, he is probably totally oblivious that you have been feeling unappreciated. Would it be worth looking into couples counselling, as well as the individual workplace one for yourself?