Abusers you flee from stay at home, victims go to the council to report themselves homeless

34yearsinthedarkness · 2025-06-02T10:25:40+00:00

How is this fair? He’s in our lovely house with the car and everything he needs and I’m waiting to see somebody who has to try to find me somewhere to live and I have to work out how to get there. The thing is, at no point over the weekend after I fled on Friday evening and sat on my own in a Travelodge ( which im grateful for ) at no point have I regretted leaving. I regret leaving it so long. ok so I’m scared because after 34 years of being treated like a child and doing nothing for myself, it’s the unknown- but I’m actually ok!

starpatch · 02/06/2025 11:29

That's brilliant OP that you are feeling OK. Hope when you get somewhere it feels like home xx

Original poster

34yearsinthedarkness · 02/06/2025 11:33

Ah thanks! Well there’s no point in feeling sorry for myself, I’ll just take it one step at a time and I just made the next big one after leaving and getting my head together.
My husband actually said to our daughter that he couldn’t understand what he did on Friday to make me leave!
It was the last 34 years she replied!!!
Awesome!

OP posts:

Renabrook · 02/06/2025 11:33

Well i presume who 'owns' the house in the first place, i don't think they hand someone else's house over to somome for no reason, yes people can talk about morals and what they think should happen doesn't change the laws

Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 02/06/2025 15:45

It's early days OP, things will get better. You've been very brave and done the right thing. You are an intelligent, strong woman. You have the support of your daughter and I'm sure that she will be able to help you pick up the threads of your life.

May I suggest that you look into doing some voluntary work? It will give you something worthwhile to do which will help with your self-confidence.

And, yes, you are right, it doesn't seem to be fair that the abuser is the one who gets to stay in the house & continue their cushy life. But it won't be for long. As far as I remember you were/are married, so once the divorce settlement comes through his life will change.

Well done & good luck Hun. xx

MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/06/2025 15:53

I think it's one of the big factors driving women back into abusive relationships. It was in my case. Then one time I found the courage to say I'd only go back if he took himself off the tenancy, which he did. Next time he started on me I called the police and he was surprised that this time it was him that was removed from the property. As I closed the door behind them I knew that this time was it, I was free. He never stepped foot in my home again.

NCtoavoidsniggering · 02/06/2025 16:14

Assuming you’re married - get the divorce started asap. You’ll get your half of the house, car, whatever…. It will just take a while for the unfairness to go. Now’s when you’ve just got to tough it out, you’ve started on the road but you’ve still got some uphill to go before things get easier again. But they will….
And credit to your daughter - love her response!

FortyElephants · 02/06/2025 16:15

Well ideally the perpetrator will be arrested and bailed to stay elsewhere while the victim takes steps to apply for protective orders but I'm aware that doesn't always go smoothly. Well done for leaving!

FortyElephants · 02/06/2025 16:16

MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/06/2025 15:53

I think it's one of the big factors driving women back into abusive relationships. It was in my case. Then one time I found the courage to say I'd only go back if he took himself off the tenancy, which he did. Next time he started on me I called the police and he was surprised that this time it was him that was removed from the property. As I closed the door behind them I knew that this time was it, I was free. He never stepped foot in my home again.

That only works if you aren't married unfortunately

IReallyLoveItHere · 02/06/2025 16:17

It is unfair, if you're married and have DC fair chance you'll get to live in the house after divorce and retain half value once DC leave home.

Well done for getting away. I know it's unfair but you can start again and be safe and happy.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/06/2025 16:27

FortyElephants · 02/06/2025 16:16

That only works if you aren't married unfortunately

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We were married. But my point was, that's how it should be. The system should work in such a way that it's the abuser who's taken away and ends up homeless/sofa surfing/in a travellodge not the victims.

FortyElephants · 02/06/2025 16:33

MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/06/2025 16:27

We were married. But my point was, that's how it should be. The system should work in such a way that it's the abuser who's taken away and ends up homeless/sofa surfing/in a travellodge not the victims.

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If you were married then he wouldn't have had to leave the property if he hadn't been arrested even if he took himself off the tenancy. Once the bail conditions ended he would have had the right to come back to the property unless you obtained an occupation order. His ignorance of the law was in your favour but can't be relied on.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/06/2025 16:40

FortyElephants · 02/06/2025 16:33

If you were married then he wouldn't have had to leave the property if he hadn't been arrested even if he took himself off the tenancy. Once the bail conditions ended he would have had the right to come back to the property unless you obtained an occupation order. His ignorance of the law was in your favour but can't be relied on.

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I know it cant. That's my point. The system needs to change so the victims have the security of staying in their homes and the burden of home insecurity needs to be passed to the abuser. I mentioned what happened to me to show the impact staying in your home has on women trying to escape domestic abuse, not as an instruction manual.

Original poster

34yearsinthedarkness · 02/06/2025 16:41

Renabrook · 02/06/2025 11:33

Well i presume who 'owns' the house in the first place, i don't think they hand someone else's house over to somome for no reason, yes people can talk about morals and what they think should happen doesn't change the laws

Are you joking?????

OP posts:

Pickle991 · 02/06/2025 16:45

there are remedies for this - occupation orders. Not easy to get though.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 02/06/2025 17:03

Renabrook · 02/06/2025 11:33

Well i presume who 'owns' the house in the first place, i don't think they hand someone else's house over to somome for no reason, yes people can talk about morals and what they think should happen doesn't change the laws

WTF?

Fididjdd · 02/06/2025 17:09

System is fucked up. A good friend of mine fled horrific DV. She and her pig of a partner had a council house. She and the two DC lived in a tiny, cramped 1-bed flat for a couple of years after presenting themselves as homeless to the council. He got to stay in the spacious 3-bed house. We heard that he was offered a few grand by the council if he downsized to a smaller council property. Friend is doing well and now has a 2-bed council flat. But it always seemed incredibly unfair. She had to sacrifice the 3rd bedroom, and a garden, to escape.

FortyElephants · 02/06/2025 17:09

Renabrook · 02/06/2025 11:33

Well i presume who 'owns' the house in the first place, i don't think they hand someone else's house over to somome for no reason, yes people can talk about morals and what they think should happen doesn't change the laws

Do you know that when a couple is married they both own the house as a matter of law?

Fididjdd · 02/06/2025 17:10

OP, I am really sorry you're going through this. Sending you strength and solidarity xx

FortyElephants · 02/06/2025 17:10

Fididjdd · 02/06/2025 17:09

System is fucked up. A good friend of mine fled horrific DV. She and her pig of a partner had a council house. She and the two DC lived in a tiny, cramped 1-bed flat for a couple of years after presenting themselves as homeless to the council. He got to stay in the spacious 3-bed house. We heard that he was offered a few grand by the council if he downsized to a smaller council property. Friend is doing well and now has a 2-bed council flat. But it always seemed incredibly unfair. She had to sacrifice the 3rd bedroom, and a garden, to escape.

Assuming he committed a criminal offence the police should have removed him following arrest and she should have been able to get him removed from the tenancy, but it's rarely as straightforward as that.

Fididjdd · 02/06/2025 17:15

She did go to the police but nothing came of it. He moved onto a different woman and had a new family with her. The second partner also suffered abuse and my friend had to go back to the police and give some kind of statement, saying he was abusive to her as well. But then the second woman dropped the charges. (I thought that the law had changed and police could carry on pressing charges even if the victim changed their mind about doing so, so maybe it was a lack of evidence? It was very traumatic for my friend though, having to re-live it all.)