Update on my situation

[TidyUser]

Hi guys. I just wanted to get some advice. My husband 6 weeks ago stated he wanted to divorce me and I have had a barrage of text messages of abuse since then. Things have been too much for me to cope with so I moved out of our home and couldn't deal with anything. My husband called me names a lot and his behaviour has been awful. He had a tantrum with me where he said he wishes I would die and every member of my family would die and buying a house with me and marrying me was a biggest mistake of his life. Hes since calmed down and said he said those death things because he was having an acute anxiety attack which is absolutely what happened. Over the last few weeks I was texting him just asking him whether we could get back together and in complete disbelief about the situation. Last week I went to see him to sort our house out and talk about what we're doing and then next day he turned up at the house and met me there and says he wants to give things a go and genuinely does love me. He recognises he has traumatised me but everything was too much for him. He struggles to manage finances with me and struggles wirh the location in which we bought our house because it's in my hometown which requires him to do a lengthy commute 3 days a week. Since ive known him for 3 years he has had 2 occasions of being physically aggressive by throwing things round the house. I am in complete bits at the moment. I just dont know whether to take him back of not. Part of me wants to be with him because I love hom and he does have good parts about his personality and the other part of me is completely disgusted and traumatised at the way he spoke to me, the way he handles our finances and I can't cope with the stress of the location issues he talks about. Can anyone offer advice on how I can gain clarity?

Get rid.

After what he’s said - I think he should move out. Take a break from each other. Then see if you really want to be with him (and him with you). But whatever his good points - he’s aggressive, rude, unpleasant, can’t handle money, prone to anxiety attacks: if you met him for the first time now and knew these things, would you say ‘yeah, he’s the one for me, I’ll spend my life with him’?
I keep remembering someone posting on a different thread something like ‘a gourmet meal made with 10% shit, will still make you sick’. Don’t make yourself sick. And don’t - whatever you do - beg him to get back again. If you decide to try again, something’s got to change!

You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to make any decisions. You can take as long as you need to think this through.

As a previous poster has said, tell him you want space and he needs to leave you alone while you work out what you want.

he’s been abusive towards you and you need to decide in your own time and without any pressure from him, if you can trust him to never do this again.

Why on earth do you want to spend another minute with him?

And don't say "Because I love him". Love is just an emotion, it can be controlled. Actually think about it. Why do you want to be in this mans presence?

For me it is a lot of insecurity. Yes I do love him. But also it is th fact thst im 34 and I feel like I won't get anyone else. Im from an ethnic minority and I feel that this was my chance to have kids and a husband with someone from my culture. Otherwise I feel like im going to have to come out of this relationship, move back in with my parents, start dating again and who knows where thst will lead to and then freeze my eggs and im worried I'll never become a mother. I also feel like there are things that I did wrong in the relationship and it all feels really very tricky to work through. My head feels like it is in a complete mess and im scared to give him a second chance because I think he could either change and become a good person, especially if he is trying at the moment or he could become a very difficult person. Im so scared which route I choose and just csnt think straight at all and i feel like that i dont knkw what to do

You know what to do. You're just scared to do it. Take all of your wants, hopes, fears out of the situation and think about what the only sensible choice is here.

The only sensible choice is to get away from the scary, aggressive, controlling man who's told you he wants you dead.

You can't find love if you're dead. You can't have kids if you're dead. You can't do anything if you're dead. So take the step that means less chance of you being dead.

I do agree somewhat and see what you mean but then when he shouts at me and says I hope you die, he did this a month ago for the first time and then a second time over the phone last week. When we discussed it in detail a couple of days ago he said this is how he was raised to speak and his mother and sister speak to him like this. Alongside this it becomes even more confusing for me because part of me wants to make allowances for this behaviour but then the half of me knows how terrifying it was to be on the receiving end of that outburst and having my heart beat out of my chest and being left speechless.

Then I get even more confused because when he is lovely he is really good and he genuinely has good parts to his personality. It all gets compounded because my family are not happy either and it's important to me thst my partner gets on with my family but they all have had enough of him but then they dont see the good parts. I really am torn. I just dont know what to do

Does it matter why he talks like that? Or does it matter what he says.

If I murder someone, it doesn't matter if I do it because I'm evil or because Mummy didn't lovee enough or whatever. The end result is that my victim is still dead.

And if I threaten to kill someone, again, the reason doesn't matter, the end result is always that my victim is scared of me. It doesn't matter why you partner says what he says, what matters is that the result he wants is for you to be scared of him. So he can control you.

I have taught my kids that there are some things that there is no coming back from, and you should never accept from anyone ever, under any circumstances. I really hope that has sunk in. I read posts like yours and wonder what on earth makes you think this is something you can or should live with? It doesn't matter if he has reasons for being this way (many people do) or that he is lovely sometimes. You cannot change or fix him (only he can do that) and you absolutely should not accept his treatment of you AT ALL. Walk away.

Do not take him back.

Do not move back to your parents.

Do move forward.

Take charge of your life and do what’s best for YOU.

You want to have children with this man? I hope you have plenty of money for the therapy they will need, absolutely shocking behaviour

I’ve been incredibly ill with anxiety at times.

Ive never wished anyone dead.

If you had a daughter who came to you sharing her thoughts and feelings about a situation the same as this, how would you respond to her? What guidance or support would you offer?

"part of me wants to make allowances for this behaviour but then the half of me knows how terrifying it was to be on the receiving end of that outburst and having my heart beat out of my chest and being left speechless"

Would you want a child of yours to feel like this?
It doesn't matter if he does have good parts if he makes you feel like this,

"I think he could either change and become a good person ... or he could become a very difficult person."

You cannot rely on someone with a Jekyll & Hyde personality. How would he cope with a crying toddler? He is NOT father material.

"My family are not happy either and it's important to me that my partner gets on with my family but they all have had enough of him but then they dont see the good parts."

Lean on your family. They can see him more clearly that you can when he hands out a bit of occasional love bombing to keep you sweet after the latest episode (ie the "good parts")

Look at the risk.

1. He MIGHT change his ways I should give him a "2nd chance"
2. he has been repeatedly violent and is now uttering death threats. I should break up with him.

Which one of these choices poses the least risk to yourself and your future?

Ask your family to help.. if you want to stay in your home. Ask them to come round and change the locks and help you go to a solicitor for advice. Surely its worth seeing them and getting some support.

@TidyUser OP I’m sorry. Frankly I’m not sure you’re at a stage that you can be working on your relationship. I think he needs to work on misled first and foremost. He needs to address whatever makes him act the way he did - as this is completely unacceptable behaviour and I know you know that. If you don’t want to leave him whilst he’s down maybe just start as a friendship whilst he addresses everything and then make a decision about you as a couple later on.

Love, he's a sociopath.

Please get yourself a bulldog divorce lawyer.

It doesn't matter how much you love someone, you have to love yourself enough to walk away from violent men.

Get yourself some therapy to recognise and recover from this abuse.

Btw abusive monsters all have 'good parts'. Otherwise no one would ever marry them.

But if a sandwich was 95% bread and all your favourite toppings and 5 percent shit, would you eat it? No, because it could kill you.

If he's violent, he could kill you. Even if he wasn't, he is making you sick.

Choose yourself. Someone should.

Run @TidyUser. He's an abusive man from an abusive family. What future do you envisage for you and your future children? Do you want them hearing him saying terrible things to you or witnessing him throwing things about? Do you want to be stuck in a cycle of abuse. He saw it and lived it . Your kids will see it and live it. The chances of them being abusive or being abused is so much higher.

The other thing is abuse actually gets worse during pregnancy and when you have a baby. It's not going to get better. You were traumatised by his behaviour. Don't let him hurt you anymore and certainly don't bring a baby into this shit show.

Well the problem i have is that i am from a domestic abuse family myself and so i am wondering whether I normalised some of the behaviour I saw from my husband. Being from an abusive family myself and showing horribke behabiour to.my husbamd such as screaming and pushed to bteaking points makes me wknder that rhis all i deserve in life because of my own behaviour. I equally was very uptight and have my own issues which make me feel guilty. Then I wonder to myself that I am not perfect and I made mistakes and so maybe that means giving this marriage a chance because i equslly have done behaviours im not proud of so maybe I should be more forgiving towards him. However I then come to reality and really suffer because im worried I'll lose some who 80% of the time is a good person and we do have history and we do generally get along whereas a new path without him seems terrifying. Its very hard to let go when he's being nice and reasonable and this is where the problem is because if he was nice 100% of the time how he is most of the time then I wouldn't be in this predicament.

Well you've taken the first steps to look inwards and assess why you have been making the choices that you have been.

I get also that it's hard to leave something behind when you care about them and when you are scared about what will come next. But it's like...alcohol. Alcoholics may enjoy drinking at times...but ultimately it's killing them so, they have to find a way to leave it behind. And things may be rough for a time. But it's something they have to choose... if they want to survive.

Forgiveness is for people who are genuinely sorry (and who seek help to neve repeat the harmful behaviour to you again). IF you wish to grant it. And you can forgive someones behaviour without remaining in the relationship with them. You don't owe anyone a relationship.

Your...I suppose, inner child, is hurting so, she is remaining in this cycle of punishment. Thinking one day she will be absolved of whatever wrongs she has done and the punishments will stop. But the truth is, you never deserved to be punished. He is just hurting you out of spite. And that will never stop until you decide to protect that inner child and leave him.

Forgive yourself for whatever wrongs you think you have done. They were never valid reasons for anyone to abuse or assault you.

Forgive yourself and ask yourself, if your inner child could speak, what would she want really? I'm guessing, someone to love and protect her. Why can't that person be you?

You matter, your feelings are valid and you deserve kindness and love. But you won't get that from him. He means you harm. Protect yourself. Choose yourself.

Being from an abusive family yourself certainly did you harm emotionally and your boundaries here are pretty much non existent as a result. It’s no coincidence you have gone onto marrying an abuser yourself. Your childhood set you up to accept abuse.
This is not what you deserve in life and you need therapy and lots of it to undo all the crap you have learnt about relationships on the way.

No-one ever bothered to show you what a good relationship is like and fact is you still do not know. Do not go back to this man under any circumstances. You have never driven him to abuse you or to throw things around, that is his sole doing and responsibility.

If you are in the UK I would urge you to talk to Women’s Aid and the Rights of Women as they can give done legal advice.

How did you arrive at he being 80 percent a good person?. He’s not and that figure got plucked out of thin air. It’s certainly not based in reality.

You only get along with him when you are completely subservient to him, that is no life for you. And do not bring kids into this because he would be abusive to them also .And all this about you having history together is the sunk costs fallacy which causes you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. Do not get bogged down in your suck costs.

And coming from an abusive family you want to bring a child into an abusive marriage?
You need to give your head a wobble..
No child deserves this start in life..
Get out of this marriage, get some counselling and start living your life for you.. before thinking about having a baby with anyone.

Don't you want better for your potential children than growing up in a domestic abuse environment?

It's up to you to break the generational cycle.

You can pick this man who you know will continue the cycle of abuse, or you can do better.

If you want another go at the relationship I would tell him there were conditions for getting back together. One of which is for him to get counselling. If he doesn't agree no biggie. No counselling, no relationship. Period.

You never,.ever marry someone that has wished death upon you or your family.
Having children with someone is the hardest thing you can do. He will not be improved by the stress that comes with children. You will look back and kick yourself for putting yourself and your children in that position. Stuck with a volatile man.