Dh really ‘enjoys’ pornography which I got into sharing with him because it was fun, but there was part of me that felt if I didn’t that I would be missing out on something from him
he has quite frequent erectile dysfunction due to antidepressants and trouble ejaculating.
Even though we have had a grand sex life porn often helps him ‘finish’ where we couldn’t together.
I often can help him to finish too, so I don’t mind porn too much but I do wonder how often he uses it and I think it’s been a longterm habit even before the ED.
I wonder if it might be part of his wider emotional avoidance traits and hearing things he says sometimes in conversation i think that maybe sometimes he is not seeing me as a person and more often sees women as objects?
He had kept it secret but I had seen it when I needed to use his phone for directions one day, he was lost and he kept trying to interfere with my search whilst driving.
I can’t remember how we started watching it together but it became a way to help him reach the end point when ED raised its head (or not)
I have said before that it was becoming too often and I just wanted normal sex but then I’d feel bad because I was getting all the climaxes and he wasn’t.
Sometimes it was fun for titillation and a frisson of being ‘naughty’ together and exploring fantasies in a ‘safe’ way, not involving other people
It’s a sexual dynamic that has felt both connected and disconnected, mutually pleasurable and imbalanced, playful and sometimes painful.
I worry that porn has become a a necessary tool rather than a fun extra.
we started sharing it together in part because it felt like a way to be close, but i also felt pressure to maintain that ‘closeness’ so i didn’t lose him to his own detachment, attuning to his needs, trying to stay connected in any way , while also navigating my own discomfort.
But what complicates it further is his emotional unavailability and relationship inconsistency,
Especially because it is part of our sex life more than he shows up for us emotionally.
And feels like we’re performing sex rather than sharing it .
even if it is still enjoyable in ways, I'm still seeking intimacy and have emotional and sexual confusion.
I wanted a sex life that felt connected , not just functional.
And for a while, it did.
We always had great sex together, and I genuinely enjoyed being open, playful, and adventurous.
But somewhere along the way, it stopped feeling mutual. It became more about what would work to get him over the line than what felt natural between us.
I didn’t mind the porn at first , we shared it, laughed, used it to add heat. But then it started to feel like a requirement and started to feel like a replacement for closeness.
I feel the pressure to perform, to please, to keep the energy up because otherwise, I sense him slip away.
I start thinking:
– If I don’t suggest porn, will he detach ?
– If I say this feels too much, will he think I’m not enough?
_ will he just go and sort himself out without me anyway if I don’t join him in this and lose the chance I had of some physical intimacy with him?
I have had issues with porn in itself but wanted to be part of his sex life and not feeling defeated by his ED/ inorgasmia.
But what began as something fun starts to feel like a requirement
I adapt again and again, because I want us to work.
But I need something real , not just ,cheap thrills?!
what we used to have felt so real and connected, attuned and passionate, it was the best sex ever .
And over time, although its evolved into something else, much more sexual and rude, its hurt to feel like my needs, my body, and my presence aren’t enough ,
unless I shape myself into something more convenient as compensation for his medical ED.
I want to be wanted fully. Not just when I’m playing a role, not just when he needs help finishing.
has anyone experienced this and come out the other side? (No pun intended!)