Marriage feels empty and resentful

[Ashleyupnorth]

Has anyone had counselling by themselves to figure out what to do next in a marriage?

I have been stuck in a mostly poor relationship/marriage for the past 12 years. It is full of resentment from my perspective due to acts my H has done over the years. H can be very kind, considerate but I simply cannot move past these acts and it has changed the way I feel about him. These incidents have been ongoing in a variety of forms since DD was 2 and is now 16. I wonder if I need counselling to figure out what to do.I am really concerned about making a wrong big step and affecting all those involved. Family feel it is all part of a marriage in accepting that nobody is perfect but I can't move on from some of these.

Of course. Sounds like counselling would be perfect for you. BACP might be a good place to start.

Definitely counselling with an impartial therapist. You cannot rely on family/friends advice/opinions as they bring their own predudices to the table. It's very easy for others to dismiss or minimise your feelings when they aren't in your shoes.

If he has done things that are unacceptable to you, that's reason enough to move on but understand your self doubt. A therapist will give you the space to make your own decision.

In answer to your question I made the leap from my marriage around the time I started therapy. I knew I wanted out but therapy made me understand what I was dealing with (a dismissive avoidant husband) and validated my feelings about his selfishness. My family were on his side so I would have stayed if I'd listened to them. I'm NC with them too. It's hard to see the wood for the trees when you've been trained to put everyone else first and ignore your feelings.

Thank you for your replies. I will have a look into counselling to get some clarification on the situation. In your opinion would you suggest Relate as they're relationship specific?

What are the acts you can't get over, and that have been going on for many years of your life? Why do you need an external person to acknowledge that you are worth more?
I absolutely think therapy can be helpful for people but I think deep down you know the answers to some of your own questions.
You can leave if you want to. It's OK. And maybe therapy can help you build your confidence after you ahve left, but you donr need it to affirm qhat you already know. Trust yourself.

Have individual counselling to help process your current situation and relationship. It will help you examine your behaviour and boundaries.

I had personal therapy which was life changing for me. I went to Relate with my ex-husband which I didn't find useful as they try to be neutral which is not useful when you're processing emotional abuse from him. He played up to the therapist and said the right things, total manipulation.

Thank you. The boundaries (or lack of) when we first met and I was vulnerable with little ones has now changed. I am fully confident that I have boundaries and that I don't accept bad behaviour anymore but I can't move on from how I was treated and still are albeit in a passive way.

I don't think I'll mention here as what one person finds acceptable the next person generally doesn't. IMO and others who I have told it has been pretty poor.

Apologies for interrupting the thread. But what is a dismissive avoidant husband, what examples would show this?

A dismissive avoidant is someone who is terrified of intimacy with the person they are in a relationship with ie they keep you at arms length at all times by burying themselves in their job or hobby, they don't do emotions and are unable to offer any emotional support ie they dismiss or minimise your feelings when you're upset with them or anyone else. They're cold and emotionless unless it affects them. It's a type of attachment that they developed in childhood.

My ex-husband worked away at least three times a week, any spare time was spent on the golf course. He avoided family time and unwillingly went on holidays where he would find any excuse to disappear on his own. He was silent and moody a lot of the time, didn't chat or reveal much about himself. He wouldn't make future plans and got his own way passive aggressively. He used most of his annual leave playing sport, rarely got involved with our child. Mr Invisible really although he put on a good show in public.

Do you think you have one of these @Liftmyselfupagain ?

Yes.

The only difference is that he was always there, physically, dutifully and politely. It is so confusing. He is a good man, but I never found it so hard to know or connect with someone. I left and I returned to co parent. I has reduced me to nothing and I don’t know how to fully leave.

When we separated I met someone who chased me and chased me but was also no available.

I am sharing our home until we sell. But 10 years of isolation really has reduced me to a fraction of myself and the world seems small or out of reach. I don’t know what to do. And I am scared of the future when I was once so brave.

Like the OP there were a few critical issues I cannot get over and cannot understand and for me as well as those, the day to day heavy disconnect and yet politeness and ‘care’ but I couldn’t make it feel real as much as I tried.

Thank you for such a good explanation.

And for the OP - I think personal therapy is the only way x

Thank you @Liftmyselfupagain for your personal story. It actually sounds not too dissimilar to mine in some respects in that on the whole he is a good person and could be a lot worse I just really don't see me tolerating him for the rest of my days. I am going to look into personal therapy.

@Ashleyupnorth , @Liftmyselfupagain the irony in this is that the avoidant person could do with therapy to improve their attachment style but they are unlikely to seek it as they don't see anything wrong with them. You're the over emotional ones.

Also there is something that has attracted you to emotionally unavailable men, probably from your own childhoods.

Therapy has been life changing for me and I wish you both well. I'm now with a securely attached partner and the world has opened up. I can totally understand feeling ruined from being in such an emotionally dry relationship. We're not meant to put up and shut up because they look good on the outside.

Thanks @TheHistorian that sounds like an accurate description of my Ex. I've spent decades being confused and trying to get my head around his behaviour. I was inevitably told that anything wrong was my fault - which i largely believed - and have tied myself in knots trying to make things better - to no avail.
Good luck OP with moving forward with things.

@Olive567 I didn't know what it was either which made it easy for my ex-husband to push the blame on me. He used to say I was emotionally unstable because I showed emotion, unlike him, Mr Fridge Freezer. My family are the same. I used to push my emotions down which made me quite unwell in lots of ways. I really think you have to walk away from people like that. They don't change willingly. My ex-husband has gone through another marriage. They split up in lock down. I could have predicted it. Imagine having to stay in the same space as the person you're avoiding 🤔

Hi, I thought I might add to this thread due to what I’ve just recently discovered. I was convinced my husband was a dismissive avoidant type, but like many of you I know he is a nice man. He is quite a gentle soul. I’ve felt so isolated and lonely in our marriage for the last 12 years. I’ve finally sought therapy and in these sessions it has come to light that my husband shows autistic traits. I show signs of Cassandra Syndrome (common in wives of men with ASD). This isn’t always the case but I’d urge you to look into this. Shocking and I’m still trying to work out what to do next.

Yes this is very definitely a thing. I started to read up about this 5 years ago. It was so validating as I really was so disoriented by that fact someone would want to marry me but not talk to me or get to know better or want to share anything. The mask fell when we married. It like beating your head against a wall for years and it really eroded my sense of reality and sense of self.