Ex H making no effort to contact/support adult children

[BigBoysDontCry]

I know there is nothing I can do about it so just shouldn't give it head space, but anyone else get frustrated at the lack of interest/care towards adult offspring from their ex?

No I know this goes two ways and that they can contact him too, but in the case of DS1, he's 24, autistic, not currently working due to significant communication and anxiety issues and living with me. Ex knows that Ds1 will never contact him, it was set out in no uncertain terms when he moved out a year ago that he'd need to do the running if he wanted to maintain a relationship with his son. Ex lives less than 10 minute drive away, is semi retired.

DS2 is currently away at uni (no support from ex) but comes home (to me) regularly.

I work full time, mainly so I can afford to keep the family home and house DSs until they are independent.

DS1 in particular needs support, I'm trying to talk him into seeing a counsellor for his anxiety. Ex has more time than me to help him.

He last saw them in January when we were having to have our cat pts. He's not contacted either of them since. DS2 messaged him last month to give him the date for his graduation.

Neither of them have been to his flat since last June.

There's no real point to this post, just venting and frustrated that he seems to just be able to walk away and not care. I have no doubt that he loves them but honestly.... 😤

Vent away, your ex sounds shit. Your boys are still just starting out in life in lots of ways but they are really lucky to have you, you sound amazing. Hope things look up for DS1 soon. It will be your ex’s loss long-term

Thanks for understanding, it's a mixture of anger and sadness really. I guess it's his loss at the end of the day.

My ex is equally shit so i completely understand. I'm not so bothered about my older kids, but I also have a 13 year old who needs his dad. I have no words of wisdom unfortunately but feel your pain 😞

I'm sorry that you have the same. Mine views himself as a kind person, he works in a caring profession. It seems to only apply if you are not his wife or child though.

When we were splitting he told me that worrying about their future keeps him awake at night and yet he does nothing to support them towards success.

I'd be happy if he even had DS over for his dinner occasionally or took him with him to do anything. DS1s life is so narrow and he likes to be involved in anything even if it's just going to pick paint. I'd told ex this and yet he still doesn't bother.

DS2 is done with him in a way. When we split he did say he would keep in touch as he didn't want to get to 40 and not be in touch with his dad and regret it. I explained to both boys that I wasn't going to be the intermediary in their relationship forever.

Ex and I are on speaking terms and he's offered to drive us to DS2s graduation which I've accepted as I think it's important to make important occasions as easy on DC as we can.

Anyway, we can't force them to be involved with their children especially when they are adults. Doesn't stop us being sad about it though.

Mine is delusional tbh. He talks about the youngest being "his priority" yet has just left the country for several months to go on a voyage of self discovery 🙄

My ex talks a lot about the phone "going both ways" he never gave the children his phone number never asked for theirs doesn't even know if ds2 even has a phone 😒

So how does that work then?

Self discovery! If only we all had the time to do that and be there to support and feed our children etc etc.

And yes, ensuring you have their phone number would be a thing.

I don't know why he doesn't just set up a WhatsApp group with them and check in from time to time. Obvs I speak to Ds1 every day but I don't with DS2, he lives with his girlfriend, we'll message in either direction around weekly or more often if needed.

Ex had to contact me to ask how to spell DS2s middle name a few weeks ago... I mean it's good that he checked and it was for his will, so good he's sorting that too, but he could have contacted DS2 maybe? Or given that he chose it and the spelling, he maybe should know.

I know I've told this story before but my ex rang me asking our children's date of birth for his tattoo he was actually there both times and even registered the youngest so I would have thought he would remember?