20 more years of this?

[Loadsafun]

Help me please. Married 30 years. How we’ve limped on this far I dont know. Husband been
porn addicted since we met. He told me this before we married but for some reason I thought marriage would change it. It didn’t. For 2 years now we have been in separate beds. Is this my life? I’m just so sad. Feel like I haven’t lived. But I’m so old
now, what’s the point in staring again? Thanks for listening. There are worse problems I know

Children?

That sounds grim @Loadsafun.
Good news is you're not too old. There's a whole world out there and you can have a new life phase without the husband. Start reading around and watching relevant videos. Planning is probably the best way to go. Can you talk to any friends in real life?

Yes, adult children. And yes I have friends IRL but for obvious reasons ( mostly joint friends) I don’t want to talk to them about it. The whole thing is shaming for both of us.

But how are things outside the bedroom? Is there companionship or are you leading separate lives?
The separate beds is not uncommon - snoring, restlessness, just wanting your own space. But if there is no affection at all, and no companionship then I wouldn’t want that. You don’t say how old you are but if you’re talking ‘20 more years’ I assume 60s. A lot of life left to live.

If your children are adults then what reason do you have to stay in a marriage that isn't making you happy?

If you’re unhappy just go. Or rather - make a plan, then go. You’ve got another 40? odd years ahead of you, don’t waste them, it’s not too late but the sooner you do it the happier you’ll be. Live a little - or rather, plan to live a lot.

I don’t know why I haven’t left. Scared I suppose. The grass isn’t always greener. It almost never is. I don’t want to be on my own, and I would be.

Change is scary, yes. And sometimes I feel very alone. But feeling gradually eroded - thinking ‘there’s got to be more than this’ - spending your life with someone you can’t respect- is tough. For you, it’s his porn. For me, it was her drinking. But when you feel it’s stopping you from being you, you need to change. Alone can be better than with the wrong person. But go with a plan - where you’re going to be, what you’re going to do.