Friend furious because i went out without her

[wineosaurusrex]

My friend "Jen" and I meet up once a month or so for dinner or a drink. She was a lovely friend, or so I thought. On our last meet up I told her about a new colleague of mine, Zoe, who I was really getting on with. Just general chat, saying I was happy she had joined as she was nice and friendly and it's nice to have some good energy in the workplace. It turns out Jen knew the colleague vaguely but didn't like her much. Nothing serious, just a slight personality clash.

A couple of weeks later, Zoe and I realised we had a mutual friend and so she arranged for us to meet up to go for a drink together as we both hadn't seen mutual friend for a long time. It didn't cross my mind to invite Jen as she said she didn't like colleague and didn't know the mutual friend.

Anyway, she's found out about it and basically lost the plot. She ignored me for weeks and then drunkenly sent me a barrage of horrible messages. I was so confused and had no idea what she was angry about. She wasn't making much sense but from what she said and from talking to a mutual friend, the complaints are:

1. I never invite her to things. I don't understand this because we meet up regularly. I am a single mum with a full time job and don't have much time to go out, but when I do, it's usually with her. It turns out that it was just this one night that she was referring to. (During the period where she was ignoring me, I'd even been in touch to try and invite her to meet, but didn't hear back.)

2. She had heard that I'd gone on a picnic with another friend, Kate (someone she doesn't know) as Kate had invited a mutual friend of Jen and mine. This picnic never happened and I was never even invited! It was just something Kate had been planning to arrange but didn't get round to. Apparently this is the biggest insult to her as she loves picnics.

I tried to talk to her but she wasn't having it and we didn't speak again afterwards.

Fast forward a few weeks to last night. It was my colleague Zoe's birthday and she had an event in the local pub. I knew Jen would have heard about it so didn't expect to see her there due to her dislike of Zoe and now me, but in she came.

I didn't approach her because she was clearly drunk and looking furious. She spent the whole night following me around silently glaring. At one point she came over to me and started screaming at me, saying I'd chosen Zoe over her. I tried to explain that we'd just gone for a drink and I didn't understand the problem but she was just getting louder and louder until I had to just move away. It was so embarrassing.

Throughout the evening she kept yelling about me "Why the F is she doing this?" "What the F is she doing?" She started screaming at me because I had to walk near where she was sitting to get to the bathroom. It all got too much so I left and was waiting for the taxi she also abruptly left and stormed past me, screaming that I'm an f-ing disgrace as she went past.

I am so confused and angry and just fed up. We live in a small community and I have no way to avoid seeing her and I'm just genuinely scared that this will happen again. It was so embarrassing and upsetting. She's normally such a nice person and I've never seen her behave like this at all - I don't think anyone has. I'm trying to be open minded and think maybe she's just hurt that I went for a drink without her but she always goes out with our mutual friends without me and I'd never dream of getting annoyed! Her rage has really scared me, to be honest, and I just feel like I want to stay inside now because I am so worried she will see me out and start screaming at me again.

Sorry this is long and so juvenile, I can't even believe I'm writing this but I'm unsure what to do.

What would you do?

Steer clear, small community or not. Just don't engage and block her number.

I'd block her and ignore her. She's unhinged ! You're entitled to meet who ever you please ffs. This is teenage carry on

I'd actually give it one last go.

I would go and see her in the daytime no alcohol and say "look, I'm worried - What is going on? I like you, you're my friend but this Zoe thing is not normal. It seem has touched on something in you and you aren't behaving rationally."

She what she says
She sounds unhappy / unsecure and if you like her then I think it might be worth a conversation to make her see sense.

Fwiw I had a similar / different situation and the conversation was a waste of time BUT im glad I tried...

Jen sounds about 12, very insecure and jealous!

You did nothing wrong. You are allowed to have other friends, and especially as Jen implied she didn't get on with Zoe, why would you have invited her? I assume Jen doesn't have any other friends? She is the one that made a fool of herself.

I'd ignore and continue going out with your other friends.

Part of me thought about trying again but the last time I tried she totally wasn't having it. I feel like such a child, I feel like I want to go and tell my mum or a teacher but then I remember I'm an adult 😂 It really isn't like her to behave like this, although she does fall out with people regularly and cut them off. She's never acted like this though, so in a way I am worried about her as she is usually lovely.

It's possible Jen is having a tough time at the moment, but that's not an excuse to verbally abuse you and treat you like you've committed a heinous crime. You are entitled to socialise with whoever you like, and without her! It sounds like she's got a nasty jealous streak in her, and is lovely whilst all is going her way but as soon as someone steps 'out of line' (in her mind), she reacts badly. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like this. You've tried to explain, she won't listen - it's time to call it time on the friendship.

she is an excitable and aggressive drunkard who routinely falls out with people and cuts them off. How lovely is that, really?

I think maybe she valued the friendship differently. A bit like dating - she thought you were exclusive. Which is a bit odd to say the least, but hey ho.

I don't think there's any way back, so all you can do is distance yourself, and block her on everything.

This!
And now you are sitting at home worrying, afraid to go out, afraid of how it will affect you in your small community.
She is NOT lovely. Causing a scene at Zoe's birthday drinks like that.
She does not own you or get to dictate how you spend your time.
Even if you did mend the bridges, you have done nothing wrong, but she seems to think so, its all in her head, could you feel relaxed in her company again?

This is no friend. I think she enjoys the conflict and drama - having an "enemy" to complain about and getting attention from others by causing a scene, she thinks that people will agree with her and thinks she's causing pain by cutting people off... they are probably relieved.
With a bit of luck you will soon be relieved to have escaped this nonsense.

Go out and do what you want when you want.
Ignore her and don't let her intimidate you.
Keep her at a safe distance.

Jen is not a lovely person when she has lost control. It has taken this for you to see it and you must see it now.

Controlling people exist in various forms. Distance yourself from her.

Sounds to me that Jen is allowed to have other friends ("she always goes out with our mutual friends without me") but you are not. I think she thinks she owns you. Which means she doesn't regard you as her equal, you're more of a possession to her. And possessions are allowed no agency or internal life except what they share with their owner.

"It really isn't like her to behave like this, although she does fall out with people regularly and cut them off."
I'd amend that slightly, to 'it isn't like her to behave like this TO ME'. Given that she regularly falls out with people and cuts them off. Or - maybe they cut her off? I would after a performance like the one she just treated you to!

Bottom line, Jen is not your friend and I would cut my losses, delete her number and block her. I'd ignore her if I passed her in the street, and if she insisted on interaction I'd tell her that after her demented behaviour I did not wish to continue the friendship and I expected her never to bother me again.

Thank you - I really needed to read these! I tend to be a bit weak and always try to see the best in people but recently I'm realizing that sometimes that's just harmful and some people just need to be cut off.

I have spoken to mutual friends who witnessed her behaviour and the general come concensus is that she was really awful and acting completely unhinged, so I'm hoping that she will realise a lot of people witnessed it and be too embarrassed to do anything similar again.

You're right that I wouldn't want to/be able to be friends with her after this. As sad as it is, I won't be able to feel relaxed around her or trust her again and would always be afraid that she'd do something similar in future.

I'll do my very best to avoid her at all costs. Have blocked her on all platforms.

Thank you for the advice and support!

She sounds mental and like she doesn’t understand how friendships work which is extremely odd in a grown adult. It’s not a romantic relationship where you have one person you are loyal to It’s like she has confused the two. She’s behaving like a spouse seeing their wife / husband on a date with someone else.

I was going to reply to your first message and say that this won’t be out of character for her, that I bet she has form for behaving like this, and then I read your second post, and turned out I was right.

The fact is, when you know someone who routinely falls out with people, it’s only a matter of time before you become one of them.

I'd be tempted to send her a message that "I don't know if you remember your behaviour last night, but it was way over the line. If you ever approach me like that again, I'll ask the door-staff to intervene."

But I suppose that might rile her up more.

The fact of it being a small community means people know her. It really won't be the first time she's acted out.

Don't let it stop you socialising with other people.

Just cut her out.

I would do this. Hope is not a plan, as they say. I would give her a head’s up.

"It really isn't like her to behave like this, although she does fall out with people regularly and cut them off."

So in other words, it isn't like her to behave like this, except for all the other times she's behaved like this.

You're just the latest.