Should I tell my friend her husband pissed me off?

[raeof]

I have a friend who moved away and got married so we tend to stay in touch messaging and facetiming and occasionally visiting each other.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer last year and died in January. Since the dianosis, I feel like my friend was really absent. She didn't message at all, never asked how he was or how I was doing. And then when Dad died she didn't check in once. That's another story.

A few weeks ago, a couple of months after Dad died, her husband messaged me to tell me about his new band. His message began "Hello stranger". Like WTF is that supposed to mean? I'm sorry I wasn't in touch after my dad died? Erm... neither were you. And the message was just to ask me to like his new band's facebook page. No condolences, no "How are you?". It felt like he was thinking "Two months have passed so I assume she's over it and we can talk about ME again".

It found it utterly, utterly crass.

My friend I can deal with in my own way, but if the friendship continues should I tell her how her husband pissed me off? I feel like it could backfire and make her think I'm the jerk here.

He's probably forgotten your dad died, if indeed he even knew.

I think you're best ignoring the message and mentally downgrading these friends to acquaintances at best. My mum died and people occasionally forgot so I do get it, but there's forgetful and there's not caring. He sounds like B.

Sorry for your loss OP.

the friend has behaved abysmally BUT I would assume the husbands message was a generic copy and paste job?

I think it’s the friend you should have the beef with, not the husband

But are you friends with her husband too? I imagine that was a generic message sent out to literally everyone in his contacts list about the band, hence the generic greeting. I don’t think it was specifically intended for you. He may have no idea your father died. I have a lot of friends, some DH never sees and doesn’t really know — even if I’d said X’s dad had died, it’s not something he’d necessarily remember two months on, especially if I had fallen out of contact either her too.

She's not his mum. If it's genuinely him that's upset you and you want to raise it, tell him not her.

But I'm not sure it is. By saying it to her, you're just passively aggressively telling her your upset with her for not reaching out. It isn't him that's upset you, it's her*. Which is completely justified, but don't use him as the way to broach the subject.

*I don't think you'd have been so put out by the message if it wasn't her husband but just some other person you hadn't spoken to in the same time frame.

No sense telling your friend her DH p’d you off. Your connection is with her not him. She’ll not get it and really it’s her who has let you down. By all means tell her how hurt you were she wasn’t in touch.

I think you are being over sensitive - he couldn’t have sent a”I’m sorry your dad died please like my band” post could he?

you’ve been copied in a message he sent to many.

And I mean this kindly - losing your dad is huge; but huge for the family. In my experience most other park the impact after the funeral.

He definitely knew! But I do think you're right on the rest.

Oh I have beef with both! He said he was only asking a few people, which I suppose might not be true. But the "Hello stranger" and fact he asked if I was going to visit them soon makes me think it was not a c&p.

I had actually been in the middle of making plans with my friend to visit them - we found dates and I was about to book travel when Dad took a bad turn and went into hospital so I told them I was holding off until I knew the situation. He died a few days later.

I would assume that he just wanted likes and sent this generic message to anyone him or his wife had as contacts. Likely he didn't even remember your dad had died.

This, @raeof do you remember what's going on in the lives of every single one of your FB friends just now?

Why not? Do you often send messages to friends you haven't contacted for ages and not even say "How are you?". Bit weird, whether they've had a recent bereavement or not.

A lot of replies are assuming this was a generic message. It wasn't. It contained other things that you wouldn't put in a generic message.

He's not an "FB friend", he's a friend and the husband of one of my best friends. Do I remember everything going on in my friend's lives? No, but I do remember to ask after them whether they've had a recent major bereavement or not.

I would've told the husband he pissed me off.

Your friend isn't responsible for his twattishness.

A fair point. I mean I did send a pretty cold message back. And I did NOT like his band's fucking facebook page.