Does this make me a rotten friend?

[ClaudiaAndHerFringe]

I know I will get Nasty comments for this. I'd like to make sense of it and understand my feelings though.

I'd like to start by saying I'm not bitter and not jealous or envious. But I'll come back to that.

I recently went to an event organised by a family member of one of my best friends. We've been friends for a very very long time and she's a fantastic friend. No children but really extended family orientated. Lots of going away as a huge group, Christmas and baby shower things. They all know each others' friends and acquaintances too.

She sometimes says the family take the Mick asking her to host things as she's got the most space but she enjoys it I think. This friend also does a lot of things in groups like weekends away, I'm not involved with that because I don't know the other friends at all really. I have other friends I do that with.

I love this friend so much and we have really good times together and chats, regularly cook for each other and so on. We do a lot of practical stuff to help each other and she's probably the first person I'd turn to. She was fantastic recently when I was quite ill.

Anyway back to this event and I felt like an alien because of the people who were there all being very very different to me. I won't say any more on that. I didn't stay too long and made an excuse. My friend didn't really involve me in talking with others but she did talk to me by herself but she was really drunk!!! I was glad to leave and when walking back to my car I saw another friend in a bar window who was with two of her friends, they waved to me and I joined them and had a great night.

It's my friend's birthday later this year she's going to be 40. She's not said anything about it yet but I remember her 30th was like this, I felt awkward and I made the decision that if she has a party like that this time I'm not going to go.

Would it look weird if I said I'd go out with her one to one instead? And what does it say about me that I'm a horrible judgemental friend not fit to have friends? Last night told me a bit about myself but I'm not sure what.

I used to be a bit envious when she went on these big weekend things but now I'm glad I didn't get invited I'd have hated it.

Can you ask your bring a +1?

Maybe. Nothing has been arranged yet though but I'll think about that.

What do you mean about all the people at the event organised by your friend’s family member ‘being very different to me’? You say you won’t say more about it, but surely that’s the crux of why you walked out and why you say you won’t go to her 40th party?

I think for a very good friend’s 40th birthday, when you’re only being asked to socialise with people who you probably wouldn’t usually socialise with rather than e.g. go skydiving or dress up as a cowgirl and sing karaoke in public, a good friend just sucks it up knowing it will make their friend happy. Her family and other friends might like different things to you, but surely you can find some common ground to chat to some people about. As previous poster said, ask if you can bring a friend of your own who you’d really like her to meet, or whatever.

Edited to add: You might surprise yourself. Talking to people you don’t know about things you don’t know a lot about (and approaching and naturally joining conversations rather than waiting to be introduced by somebody else) is a skill, but a really useful one to learn and have - I used to feel awkward in big party situations, but doing them was practice, and now I don’t find it an issue at all - and it serves me really well career-wise now I have to do a lot of networking events and conferences.

@ComtesseDeSpair I don't struggle to talk to people. I don't generally feel awkward in social situations. My job involves speaking to large groups daily and I speak in public. I've got a good selection of friends.

It's difficult to say what I mean without being possibly accused of being rude.

She may not even have a party and decide to go on holiday or something, there are a few months yet.

Well if you cant tell us what you mean because it might make you sound rude.... then it paints you in a bad light. Are these people smelly, scummy, racist? Youd have to give us a clue to how intolerable they are otherwise its impossible to give advice/opinion.

Unless theres a major issue or they are truly awful people I'd be sucking it up for your friend. If you think your friend would want you there and that's your only excuse I'd be pretty hurt.

Well, you might have “rude” views about them; but your friend’s family produced your lovely friend, and she clearly loves them to be so close and be family-oriented with them - so they can’t all be awful or uncouth or embarrassing. It’s obviously up to you whether you bow out of anything, and it doesn’t mean you’re “not fit to have friends”, but sometimes it’s worth a bit of give. I’m going to a friend’s big birthday which she’s having at a festival this year. I dislike camping, I dislike U.K. festivals, and in truth, I dislike several of her other friends - but my friend is so happy that so many of her friends are coming, and that means a lot to me.

Honestly? I do not know how anyone can give a view then!

You really do need to say what you mean about the people being different to you, otherwise how can we know if it makes you a bad friend??

If you hate parties and don't want to go that's fine, either go for an hour with an excuse to leave or be importantly busy on the day and see your friend another time. Then only ever suggest meeting up just the two of you.

I'm guessing the people you are alluding to, you're classing as either rough or posh? Otherwise different political views/extreme opinions. Can you provide more context please?

I’d assume the friends have more money than the OP and it’s an envy thing? I’m not judging it’s just that I’ve encountered this before with a former work colleague and her best friend’s friends

Well, no one can say whether or not you’re a ‘rotten friend’ unless you are more upfront about what makes the kind of people who attend her parties so intolerable to you.

I’ve sucked up some right horrors for the sake of one of my closest friends, whose ILs are awful. I dealt with continuous anti-Irish remarks and jokes so as not to ruin her baby’s baptism ceremony and after party. Then I told her I wouldn’t be around those people again.

It's absolutely not this at all. Nothing whatsoever about money. I also stated in my first post it's not about envy.

Than what is wrong with them that they aren't your kind of people? Are you saying they're beneath you? What is it?

@ClaudiaAndHerFringe I think we are a little bit stumped then

If it's not about money/envy then is it that you think they are beneath you?

Drugs ? Drunks ?

If you felt unsafe vibes, or even unwelcome ones, just tell her you're not partying these days and do a one to one catch up.

I always think friends people have tell you a lot about a person. If your friend is choosing to spend time with people you dislike to the point of not going to the 40th, you need to ask yourself op, if your friendship is truly genuine at all?

Sounds like they are just not your people and that’s ok. Keep it civil though, be polite and show up for your friend. don’t attach any emotion to the day! Definitely suggest the 2 of you celebrate properly where you can relax and enjoy each others company.

Oh it is. Absolutely.

I think if it just made you feel awkward and you didn't particularly enjoy it, that sounds bearable enough to pop your head in for an important occasion.

Different of course if for some reason this situation is unbearable. But it sounds like you just didn't enjoy it/don't particularly like her friends?

Your friend is say Asian, and when you go to an event at hers there’s lots of Asians around and you feel uncomfortable? Is that it?

Nobody is Asian, no.

I think it’s ok to decline a party and invite the friend out instead. Even if it’s a last minute excuse like illness, but you say you want to take her out for lunch to make up for missing her party.

Does it matter why you don’t want to go to the party? Unless you would normally be happy to party with absolutely anyone and your absence will look strange, in which case you need a proper alibi like illness or your OH whisking you away for a surprise weekend to Paris or something.