Considering DH separation

[MN224]

Together for 25 years, married 17 years. 3 children, I do all housework and cooking; we both have work full time. ln the last 6 months we’ve had nights out with mutual friends, both of which have ended with DH in a strop about something I’ve alleged to cause offence to him ….i don’t think I have at all. Both times I’ve been in tears and mutual friends comforting me. To be Frank it’s embarrassing. I think I’ve had enough. Do I really want the rest of my life censored for fear of offending DH??! I love life and believe in you only live once. AIBU for questioning my marriage??!

With respect, your husband sounds awful. Why doesn’t he do any housework or cooking? Does he do his fair share of childcare? He thinks it’s ok to be so mean to you in public that you end up in tears. It is embarrassing but not for you, for him. Is he abusive to you in private? Yes, you are right to question your relationship and how you’re being treated. Quite frankly, it’s unacceptable behaviour n his part.

I’m a teacher so home earlier than him, it’s always been the case. But at weekends he will
get take away rather than cook if I am not at home and he has the kids. It’s so annoying he’s just a dick on a night out ……I actually can’t bear it anymore.

Not abusive in private but no alcohol involved or audience

Leaving aside the division of labour at home?
Have you got a feel for what’s going wrong on mutual nights out?
Are you unused to alcohol (from your commment) letting your hair down and letting rip every time? As in properly drunk and quite wobbly?
and/Or hardly ever get out as a couple?
or you go out all the time but rarely as a couple? Your non mum/wife persona is now embarrassing to him?

either way, feck it. Life is too short!

It doesn't sound like you're equals in many things, not a life I'd be prepared to put up with.

No I would be out regularly on my own. I am very much enjoy the moment etc and I’ve often told
DH his life would be very beige without me!! We also go out as a couple with no issues 😔

perhaps he has had enough of my banter …….but I do bring the craic

I wouldn’t be thrilled if my partner in life told me regularly that my life would be very beige without him, I must say.

It doesn’t sound like you like each other much.

I'm just really confused. So you teach, which is more hours than out of house, it's in your contract, you have to work as directed to equal burgundy book, so many thousand hours a year as a teacher.
So leaving that aside,.
You are a professional.

I would suggest look at everything in the round and if he's not making your fanny flutter and you are a teacher..

He's really not very swift of thinking and you may choose to be.

Not remotely wrong to question whether this is the life you want.
it is worth considering whether you are the same as you’ve always been given the longevity of your marriage? I know my alcohol tolerance is hugely smaller in menopause now? So is it worth considering that it’s you that’s changed esp if your other half has become more conservative/ less affected by booze? I say this only because you say friends have been co
forting you which in my experience suggests he’s either been an utterly abusive arse or everyone is as drunk as a skunk and a bit of a mess? Tired and emotional as such?

I had hardly anything to drink and we made banter that DH was drunk …he was ….but
became petulant about that fact ffs

Also going to set aside the equality of housework-
You've told him his life would be beige without you and said you bring he craic which makes me wonder what you've said on these on these nights out that have upset him. Is there any chance you've said something after some drinks and maybe trying to be funny and he's not seen the funny side or felt like it was a dig at him?

After 17 years and with 3 kids I wouldn't necessarily jump straight to LTB, I'd be looking to see if it could be fixed by talking and working through things together first. Is this something you've tried to do or would both be prepared to do?

Cross posted with this response. You say banter but was that basically taking the piss out of him?

Maybe your version of banter, given than it doesn’t sound like you like him, does not come across as funny. I agree with another poster that saying his life would be beige without you, is rude. We all like different things and digs are not cool. Given this, maybe the ‘craic’ is not all that funny. I certainly wouldn’t be mocking him and involving your mutual friends. I’m surprised they want to go out with you if they get caught up in the childish arguments between you two and end up having to console you.

Yea banter I said for him get tea, which I had also
ordered after dinner and he refused.

Every relationship has ups and downs but if your ‘up’ is just that things are tolerable and ‘down’ is that you bore or piss off each other - something needs to change. Getting rid of the downs won’t do it, you need some ups as well! See if you can both find a better way? Think about the practicalities of living, housing, kids. And remember- it’s 6 weeks until the summer holidays, then September is when divorce lawyers are busiest because couples who are struggling along together often crack under the pressure of being together more in the holidays. I’m sure you’ll get plenty of LTB posts here, but it sounds more like ‘would be both be happier apart?’

Had a good think over last few days and think I was a little OTT when I was considering separating. Overall we are good and I thought of life without DH and it didn’t seem that good to be honest. Everyone has their ups and downs but I know he has my back and will be there no matter what, as well as being 100% faithful which I am too. He works hard and is a great dad. I think I needed to look at my life without him and it’s one I don’t want.

On a side note we are both going to reign in the drinking!