Rut?

[CadburyHero]

I’m hoping I’m in a rut. I do not find my DH attractive. At all. To the point he practically repulses me when he’s even close, let alone touches me.

This is a fairly recent development. In the last couple of months or so.

There’s a lot of background here which I’m sure is relevant but there’s so much I don’t know if I can type it all up. I’ll try to nutshell…

He has serious anxiety issues which he is dealing with, with therapy. He is apparently insanely unhappy at work so wants out of a very well paid career he’s been in for 25+ years. We’ve put our forever home on the market to become mortgage free (his idea, not my want). He’s doing an OU degree in a completely different field to his current profession. He’s applying for jobs that will result in a 50k+ a year salary drop.

His anxiety issues have meant he’s missed all of the kids school performances for the last two years nearly, even when he’s been off work. We’ve had to come home from holiday early because of it. He’s missed social events with close friends because of it.

I’m thinking, and hoping, this is all contributing to my change of attraction. Is it? And how can I over come this? I feel like a completely despicable wife and human being, so much so I can’t talk to my friends or family about this.

What job do you do, and how much do you earn?

How long have you been together? How old are the DC? What has your physical relationship been like up until now?

If you think it’s because of the problems his anxiety and his change of career are causing, then it probably is this.

Do you think you’ve maybe lost respect for him and that’s affecting how you view him?
It sounds like he’s changed quite a lot in comparison to how he used to be (going by your post).

He's made you feel insecure. You don't know where you are in this marriage.
Take your home off the sale site.
You need to have some very serious conversations with your husband. This is your life too and not everything should be decided by your husband.

Crikey OP, so he's gone into therapy and your 'forever' home is up for sale. That must have knocked you. No wonder you don't fancy him but that irrelevant on the scale of things.
This is a make or break decision. If you truly love him, stick by him and work it out.
If you've had your doubts before all this, then now would be a good time to split the assets and part ways.
Sorry. Whatever you do, don't go along with all of this if it's not what you want.

It’s absolutely awful being hostage to a partner’s anxiety. Of course you don’t find him attractive. There’s nothing very sexy about someone anxiously catastrophising, opting out of family life to nurture his worries, and pressing you to sell the family home in the mistaken idea it will make a difference to his stress levels.

You’re not a bad wife. Has he always had periods of anxiety?

Do you work, op?

To answer a few common questions above.

I do work, 3 days a week, so my wage is merely supplementary to the household income. I manage everything else with the house and DC who are 7 & 9 (plus two dogs in the family too). I could increase my hours but this would result in child care costs that would outweigh the benefits of doing so. It would also impede my ability to run the household.

DH & I have been together 14 years, married 11. He has had bouts of anxiety in the past, but none so bad this last year. It is pretty much under control without medication but I’m keen for him to continue with his therapy, which he is.

DH handles our money and outgoings and I have no doubt he’d ensure we can survive and not cause the DC to go without, which is important.

I absolutely appreciate that money and income isn’t everything. He’s doing what he can to try and make things better and happier for himself. I just hope I can come back around and see him how I used to again.

Being the main breadwinner and supporting your family can be very stressful,
lots of people don’t even earn 50k, so to be looking at a 50k drop he must be v high earner with linked high stress and anxiety
maybe you should consider moving, going somewhere cheaper ( I assume it’s his job income that paying for your forever home)
to reduce the stress levels

There are lots of careers that can sap your humanity. Like hollow you out and make you think of suicide. I had that for a few years in mine (probably not as stressful as some) but I had a family to support so I gritted my teeth, gave myself a fucking good talking to each morning at 6am, and got on with it. My job eventually got better, but I dropped down and lost 10-15k of salary. Luckily, I was able to retire.

You're under no obligation to be unhappy, especially not for the sake of others. I think you and H need to talk about what the future might actually look like - in concrete terms - and decide whether you can live with it, then take it from there.

I can't say, but it's possible your husband's anxiety is not an intrinsic part of who he is.