Pushed away BF while grieving

[LuckyAquaExpert]

Earlier this year, I went through a difficult loss. At the time, I was overwhelm, and I don’t think I saw how I was pushed my BF away.

The night I got the news, I texted him to tell him what happened. He replied with condolences, and I called him a few minutes later, but he was asleep. The next day, he told me he wouldn’t be able to come to the funeral because of a work trip. I remember feeling really hurt— and I think I turned that pain into resentment toward him.

I can see that I wasn’t fair to him. I was short and cold. He told me I was putting too much pressure on him and making him feel like he wanted to pull his hair out. After he said that, I just stopped contacting him. I shut down completely.

Now that time has passed and the fog has lifted a bit, I feel terrible. I wish I had handled things differently. I think I let grief turn me into someone I’m not proud of.

I saw a photo of him on Instagram this morning, hence the emotions today!

Ring him and apologise , to be honest his response to your loss was a bit weak , and he let you push him away so he wasn’t that keen , did he know how close you were ? Was it expected ?

even if you don’t get back together you have at least ended it nicely.

personally I’d move on , he would have checked in with you if was even the slightest bit caring

He sent me a message the next day asking could we meet after he returned but I didn't reply. I just shut down

You weren’t unfair. He didn’t show up for you emotionally.

I’m sorry for your loss, I wouldn’t persue this one.

It made him want to pull his hair out??? Oh poor him!

What happens the next time you lose someone OP? Or when he loses someone and you support him heavily and end up resenting the emotional work?

You can feel sad and you can feel ‘bad’ about your behaviour but I wouldn’t get back with him, you are not a match.

Just nope.
He wasn't there for you when you needed him.
When this upset you, he made it all about him.
Please dont try to reconsile with him out of loneliness.

And sorry for your loss.

Do what you can to build yourself up.
You dont need him.

OP sorry for your loss. Having suffered a lot of bereavement in a relatively short space of time, can completely relate to it taking you to the end of yourself. They say grief is just love with nowhere to go.
Kubler Ross had a theory there were different stages to grief leading to acceptance. Everyone is different but that is not how I experience it at all. Think for some, myself included it can be more akin to PTSD. Those memories imprint much more deeply than every day and even years later can remember and feel it all vividly. I don’t think there is always true acceptance. Just a them shaped hole, meaning you carry them round in your pocket, often last thought at night and first in morning.
For those we lose who were and are our everything, if offered any amount of money or to have them back here and with a body that works, well, we wouldn’t take the money.
Given all that, rewind to the night you found out. He effectively shrugged and went to sleep. Nowhere in that did you do anything wrong.
People find the time to do what is important to them and when you needed him most he let you down.
Imagine if instead he’d rang, said I’m coming straight over and was there to catch you.
Instead at one of the worst times in your life he expressed his own discomfort. Not going to the funeral the same thing.
Good on you walking away. When you see the insta pics etc just remind yourself that he was not what you needed. Who wants to be one hand clapping or to have a fair weather partner who bails when it gets tough?
Also ask yourself this: if it had been him, would you have treated him the way he did you? Bet you wouldn’t and would 100% have understood why he was struggling.
Folk use the term heartbroken a lot but often it’s those grieving who really understand what that off the scale heartbreak ❤️‍🩹 is like.
Not sure what you have planned for rest of day but until further notice be extra good and kind to yourself. Jammies. Take away and movie after long bath 🛀 can work wonders.
Not saying he was a bad person. Just a boy not a man.

We knew it was coming but it was still difficult. He showed a lot of stress that I was going through the late hospital nights etc. when he couldn't be there. I kept saying I wished he could be around, be at the funeral, be with my family and it was pointlessly making him feel worse now I look back

It's immature to just ignore someone like I did but honestly, I was so burnt out with everything.

How long were you with him when you experienced your loss? I think he should've shown more effort, and understanding that you couldn't be your normal self. But ultimately you can't expect him to just be on standby for you, and maybe he just didn't know how to support someone grieving so deeply.

How old are you and your BF, OP? You sound quite young. Not in a bad way at all but just in your perception that you somehow behaved very badly to him. It doesn’t sound that way at all. It sounded like you asked him for support and he gave you none. His reaction sounds immature and inadequate but again if you’re particularly young it may be that he was also overwhelmed. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong - just that circumstances were against you.

We're early 40s and mid 40s. Been together two years. Didn't live together as he worked abroad mostly

He's a lovely and generous person but we both seemed to shut down. He didn't seem to know the basics of helping. He himself had suffered much grief in life but maybe not those close to him.

I had been able to move past it and not think about it but saw a lovely picture of him at a book launch that we would probably attended together

I think you are correct @Foodylicious about mixing the loneliness of loss with the loneliness of missing him

Hard to move on when you're wondering if you were unreasonable

This is a totally normal response OP. You didn’t want to meet after and put on a show. You wanted him there at the funeral. I totally get you. Bereavement burnout and hurt is real.