How do I deal with an impossible man!

[Summersparkles123]

It's my DS dad. We split when DS was 6 months. I walked away into a refuge because he was just awful to me. Not physical but alot of emotional/mental and financial.
It's been hard over the years. Last year was the worst where he took me to court for 50/50 and won because I had to give in. My solicitor said if I don't then this man will alienate you from DS and always have you down as the horrible bad parent who stops DS seeing him and that will damage your relationship with DS through resentment. I know she was right because ex hates me so much that he will do anything to bad mouth me or manipulate DS so that he's the victim.

It's always been up and down with ex. I left my partner last year. Never mentioned it to him and don't know if DS did. He began being nice and amicable. Things seemed easier and we co parented ok. He even invited me for lunch with DS and him. I did say no though as I thought it would be weird after everything.

The past few months he's been awful again. I suspect he's seeing someone which is not my business and I don't care. However there seems to be a pattern of when he's with someone he turns vile towards me for no reason.
Everything is an argument or fight. I try and discuss co parenting things or medical thing about our child and he won't engage.
He's now changed the order whereby he wants to take DS away in school time when it specifically says only school holidays. Thing is hes manipulated it again and told DS they are going on this amazing holiday so if I say no now then DS is going to think I'm the worst which plays into exes hands. I've told ex I'm really not happy and he's manipulated the whole situation. I've said he can pay all the fines and take time.off when they return if DS is too tired/jet lagged to go to school. He's obviously been vile about the whole thing.

I let DS communicate freely with ex through calls or voice notes. Always say yes when DS asks. Why wouldn't I, I don't want to stop a relationship with his dad. However when DS is with ex he's now started not playing my voice notes. A few times I've asked DS if he heard them and he's said no I never did. Or ex will click on it so it turns blue to make it look like it's been played until I pointed out I could see it hadnt. He doesn't facilitate communication. And I'm not texting all the time. Maybe once every couple days just asking how's his day been etc.
I feel like ex is trying to get to me and it is working.
After almost 9 years it still gets to me.
How do I deal with this impossible man who is the master of manipulation. I need to be careful that I don't push DS into his narrative that I'm the bad parent.

You have a court order, it should be stuck to. It isn't your fault daddy can't book a holiday during term time, the Judge decided that, not mum.
You need to put boundaries in place, and not live in fear. Your son needs boundaries. If he knows you will back down the moment dad is mentioned they he will use that to your advantage.
Grey rock dad, be consistent with your communication. Keep everything short and to the point.
Wjth contact in dad's time... I don't think there is anything yiu can do. Keep doing it, keep showing son you are doing it.
Don't badmouth dad to your son. If dad tells him something then you can say that is an adult topic, sorry you know about that. I have a different opinion to dad. How do yiu feel about it? And then discuss his feelings about the situation.

Build a bond with your son, sit and play with him, read books which open his way of thinking. Play a silly game of 'fact or opinion', baked beans are the most disgusting food, you say it is a fact. He needs to tell you if it is or not. Yiu want to develop your son's ability to question things, but never do directly about dad, do it about everything else though. Eventually your son will use those skills when thinking of his dad.

It is the hardest thing and I know how you feel. My two come back parroting what dad says, not happy with me. We have a routine for when they return including the same dinner and we sit and play a boardgame as they like interactions and cuddles, but sometimes they don't want to talk so we do a film with cuddles. It helps them come back to their normal with me.

Wishing you lots of luck.

How is he doing whatever he wants when there's a court order in place?

You need to lower your expectations and stop trying to have discussions with him. Just text him information he needs to know and don't get caught up in arguments.

I would download a co parenting app, keep a diary of his behaviour and have as little to do with him as possible.

Arrange pick ups/drop offs in a neutral public place, don't let him in your home. Is he abusive to your son? If so collect evidence of that: text messages, take note of behaviour and abusive language.

If you think he's going to take your son abroad without your permission, then you can apply for a PSO. You can get free legal advice from FLOWS.

I agree with Book and school will happily back you up on the term time holiday thing. You should mention this to school so that they are aware of the manipulation.

There is a co-parenting app that you can use in court should you need to where they can see diary stuff and all the messages. Someone more knowledgeable will be able to help with the specifics of what that is.

Your son is 9 so you can talk about the judge making an order that states contact and Mum didn't decide that and neither did Dad. That way he understands that any holidays are to be booked in school holiday time.

You should try using one of those co parenting apps to communicate with him. It is monitored and recorded.

Court approved app is the only way you communicate with him.

You tell DS that the judge made the court order for very good reasons and you need to stick to it.

Age appropriate truth with DS about his Dad’s behaviour. Contact school safeguarding and ask for help for DS as his Dad is being emotionally abusive and trying to alienate you.

Read and reread “How to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk” so you can help DS learn critical thinking and be confident in his own gut instinct.