Help me sort my life/ marriage out!

[helpsorting]

I need some help as I’m frustrated with myself and don’t know how to fix

i work full time in a stressful job with long hours so dh who also works full time but slightly less stressful job has taken on most of the parenting load for our dcs.
I am messy! Our house is disorganised and cluttered and dcs are following in my footsteps and picking up bad habits
I like my own company and don’t actively seek out time with DH- in the little spare time I have, which frustrates him and makes him feel unloved
I am naturally not v affectionate with DH. I have read the love languages book and my love language is actions and his is affection so we are incompatible
I procrastinate all the time to the point I drive myself mad!
I am naturally disorganised and leave everything to the last minute.
DH is the complete opposite- v tidy, neat and organized to point of having OCD so we clash all the time
I am too soft on the dcs and don’t discipline them enough but then get to breaking point and flare up. DH is much more consistent but we have fallen into good cop/ bad cop roles which means he is seen as the disciplinarian and I am the fun one- which frustrates him and isn’t fair. It also creates a divide between us all and a dynamic of him and us.
DH is a wonderful man but I feel like I am not supporting him and I need to get better at it but I just don’t seem to be able to
DH says he is not a priority for me as it is work, dcs, friends, etc first and he is probably right. How do I change this? I do feel like I take him for granted.

has anyone been in a similar situation and changed things for the better?

Counselling.

You’ve got to work out your own path on this but - are you posting this because you’re worried, or unhappy? Let’s assume worried..
First thing is the kids - you both need to be on the same page . Kids will take advantage of your differences and you need to be consistent and aligned. The page you end on might not be yours - or his - preferred one but you need to be singing off the same hymn sheet.
As neither of you is likely to change a great deal, there’s going to be issues from time to time. So try to plan and book up times just for you to escape and balance out the day to day stress and chaos. And sometimes just a couple of words or a hug can help do much!

Try counselling. Noone's winning in this situation.

You seem to be living separate life to DH, doyou want a future with him, or has the love , intimacy etc dissipated totally!

Dear OP,

I think that your problems are very common for couples who have been together for a while. More often then not there is one who is tidy, one that is more affectionate, one that is better at disciplining the children. These are just based on a person’s character, and the trick is to just try and make is work and to use those differences for good - the Ying to the Yang. The problems arise when there is resentment with the situation.

My DH is tidy, and he has spent almost 20 years with a messy person. He was raised by a mother who wouldn’t even let me put a cup in the sink for a minute before she washed it (she is still the same), and my mother was a hoarder. He says it makes him anxious to live in a messy house, and I feel bad because we have never managed to tidy it to the level that he wanted. This is one resentment for him, but we are getting better by working together slowly - simple things, like having a consistent place for everything.

The fact that your husband is wanting to spend time with you is a good sign, it would be more of a worry if he didn’t care if you spent all your time away. It sounds like he spends more time at home and he might be lonely. It would be a great to pencil a date night every two weeks or a month without the children to reconnect. We did this while we were having our own problems.

I agree it is difficult to feel love when one person is very affectionate and one is not - I am affectionate and my DH’s feels more love with actions. I would be happy with one large hug, and he would be happy for me to make him a cup of tea once in a while. We are both working on these things, and my cup of tea is awful.

Anyway, we had our own problems and separated. We then decided to go to counselling and it (surprisingly) worked. Would also recommend counselling, and date nights and lots of talking.

Good luck.

I fully expected to get roasted for this as "everyone is neurodivergent these days" but have you considered that you might be? X

His Needs Her Needs book. Doesn’t matter that you have different ‘love languages’. Learn each others needs and meet them. Add to the love bank. It’s hard work but it does work x

Have you ever wondered whether you are neurodivergent?

This is all good advice thank you. I think I don’t prioritize spending time with him because I have very little time outside work and need me time but I recognise this is selfish and I agree booking date nights might help and he may be lonely. I do really want to make it work and I think I just need to put more effort in.

Please don't be too harsh on yourself. You need time to yourself as much as he needs time with you too.

Please, please do some research into neurodivergent conditions, In particular adhd. Your procrastination and being untidy can be classic symptoms. I have adhd and this post screamed female with undiagnosed adhd to me. Xx