Should I talk to ex’s ex about child safety?

[Eggworld]

Name changed for this! Very long, sorry.

Basically I would like some views on whether I need to talk to my ex-partner’s ex-girlfriend about her child’s safety- or whether that would be interfering & self-dramatising.

Split up with my ex 10 years ago. He smoked a huge amount of weed (still does), didn’t work (still doesn’t), & the weed made him aggressive & unreliable. He was violent towards me, on one occasion raped me, belittled me, called me names, & exploited me by getting me to work long hours to keep him in style. A real charmer! You would never guess this though to meet him- he is tall, handsome, well-spoken, well-educated & can come across as very charming (when he bothers).

I lost all confidence while with him.

Since split we have shared custody of our DC. This reflects the fact that I lost my dad at young age & I think kids need fathers. I believe he’s been ok with the DC- not perfect, but the anger was directed at me, not them, & I have been largely able to deal with the organisation/practical stuff he is too stoned & lazy to do. Occasional past conflict with older son now seems to have settled - probably because older son now bigger than him! In fact I think he gets on very well with older son now.

He met another woman after we split & they had a child, now 4, who I will call X. (He’s great at meeting women, as I said tall & handsome.) They split up about 12 months ago basically I think because she got fed up with his anger & drug use & not working. I don’t have a good relationship with her- I think the conflict in their relationship led her to behave in ways that my kids found upsetting. He sees her child X one weekend a fortnight & gets to take X on holiday. My kids love X & really value seeing X.

in recent months my ex’s behaviour seems to me to have got worse. Admittedly I have not seen him for almost 2 months- last time I did, he twisted my arm up behind my back in front of kids. (He tried to apologise afterwards admittedly but fuck him, nowadays no-one treats me like that.) He has not seen much of my DC either- constant excuses, and when he most recently had them brought them back in a rage after one night, really angry about nothing. He has recently argued with his parents, & they no longer want anything to do with him. My younger son says he is smoking weed very heavily. But I appreciate this is only part of the story & there are no doubt times he is ok - & my DC do love him in spite of all. (I want to stress that: there are times when he is ok. He’s not a monster all the time.)

He’s meant to be taking my kids & X on holiday abroad in July for 2 weeks. I have concerns about my DC going with him- but they are older (15, 17, 19). I have discussed concerns with them & they want to go. They will be staying in resort by sea, in very hot climate, in top floor duplex with a balcony, & with access to large pool downstairs in garden.

if my DC were younger I would have MASSIVE concerns about this. Risk of falls, & of water when unsupervised/inadequately supervised. So….X. X is 4. I think there a chance he may end up to a great extent being supervised on holiday by my DC, particularly the younger one of 15, while his dad smokes weed on the balcony- and although my DC are sensible they are too young for this.

So- should I contact his mother & discuss these concerns? It’s the pool in particular that worries me-and the balcony.

I am conscious though my knowledge of situation is only partial. Plus I’m admittedly prejudiced because I think my ex is a waste of space. I’m probably not great at judging the situation!

If I do get in touch with her I will stir up real issues in terms of access arrangements with X. It will piss off my DC as they just want a quiet life. It will almost certainly unleash terrible anger from my ex- & yes I am a bit frightened of him. Plus she must know about the pool etc because she’s visited this property herself in the past!

I don’t know what to do! Should I contact her & say look, this is what I’ve seen recently, I m telling you because of the upcoming holiday? Or should I leave well alone? As I said she must know the set-up.

I know she will pass it on to my ex if I do. The consequences will be bad.

I look after my parents on Saturdays so will be out today & probably not get a chance to reply- too busy cleaning & shopping etc. But would really appreciate any advice.

I don’t think you can. You have shared care with him with your own children since they were younger. You see what your ex is like and you made your own call about sending your kids to him. It will look like you are judging the Mum of the younger child if you question why she is sharing care with your ex.

Very tricky but no I don’t think I’d say anything. Presumably she has seen what your/her ex is like and is aware of the risks without you spelling them out. It will cause you a lot of grief and probably be completely thankless as she will interpret you as judging her choices.

On a side note I’m surprised your older dc want contact with their dad, never mind going abroad with him if they’ve seen him assault you recently. Did you report the arm twisting thing? He shouldn’t be able to get away with that.

I don’t think you can and, consequently, you need to warn your 3 children (especially the 19 year old) that by choosing to go, they are choosing to take on the responsibility of ensuring X is safe. Talk then through the possible hazards: drowning, falling off the balcony, wandering off and getting hit by a car / kidnapped…. By virtue of being there, their Dad will expect them to do these things so that he can relax. It’s a big responsibility. Is it one they are willing to take on?

Crikey I think you should start by reporting his attack on you 2 months ago.

He keeps getting away with his violence and shit behaviour, and everyone tip-toes round him like it's normal?!

I know it's difficult with the dc, but shouldn't you be showing them that assaulting people is not OK and has consequences?

And no, I wouldn't let the dc go abroad with him (or not the minor ones, anyway.)

What are they going to do in a foreign country if he gets in another rage and there's nowhere for them to go?

Honestly I think you've been underreacting to his behaviour for years.

And the mum of the 4yr old needs all the information.

Imo your dc need to refuse to take a 4 yo anywhere without him on the trip. I imagine all Hell would break loose of anything happened under their watch...

I wouldn’t let your children go on the grounds that they will be responsibly probably for a small child

and yes I would also let her know - why wouldn’t you??? It’s the issue of the safety of a small child!!! You’re doing it for the child not for her or for him

i would also probably report to social services

an I would one hundred per cent be reporting him to the police and asking that they press charged

Why don’t you ask exGF if she’s noticed ex being particularly bad lately. Say you are concerned about him taking the children & has she had any issues with him regarding X.

Hopefully this will open the conversation & you can mention your worry that your 15y will be responsible for keeping him safe.

It might be stirring up trouble but the alternative could be a tragedy.

Incidentally, does he take his stash with him or buy it on holiday? Any risk that he gives it to one of the kids to ‘carry’?

I agree I'd not let the minor children go because of the possibility he will get in another rage and kicks off or something bad happens to X and they feel responsible/guilty/he blames them.

If however you won't do that, then yes I think you should speak to his ex, simply because it significantly affects your children if they go on holiday with X. It then gives her the option to make an informed decision - she has the right to decide whether to allow such a young child to go abroad given the circumstances.

If you are worried about his reaction you should take steps to ensure your own safety (a video doorbell, a non molestation order, a police marker on your house). I am surprised you didn’t report the arm twisting as that’s assault, but I read into it that you didn't report the violence when you were with him and are still frightened of him.

If the holiday does go ahead with all the kids, do make sure the teenagers can contact you in an emergency and that they have enough money (or access to it) to get themselves a taxi/food/another room or whatever needed to get away from their father if necessary. I'd also make sure they know what to do if something goes really wrong e.g. speaking to hotel reception or calling local police. They mustn't feel they can't seek help in some misplaced loyalty to their shit dad.

You say that nowadays nobody treats you like that but he does. Why haven't you reported him to the police? What the other woman does is up to her but what you do is completely understand your control. Do not ever see him again. If your children want to see him they can arrange that themselves at that age.

Also, what happens if he attempts to take drugs in or out of the holiday destination country and gets caught?

Or worse persuades or puts it in your 19 yr old's bags?

What are the drug laws in the destination country?

I think you need to focus on the danger to your own children. Allowing them to continue seeing him was insane, they will have been damaged by his behaviour which shows as they still want to see him despite him recently assaulting you! As for the fact you say he only gets on with the oldest now as he’s bigger than him, shows you know he is a danger to your children. You really need to know none of this is normal at all. Your older sons could get in serious trouble if he is caught with drugs in a foreign country.

This is really really helpful. Thanks so much for taking the time to advise & giving so many practical points. I spent so much time with him that an outside perspective is much needed! Going to pour a glass of wine after long day & re-read them all carefully.

Incidentally I did think about reporting the arm twisting! But my experience with previous much more serious incidents was that police really did not take it at all seriously. He never received more than a caution & words of advice. Police and DV, their shortcomings, that’s a whole different topic.

This is the approach I’d take too. You’d never forgive yourself if something did happen to X and you hadn’t said anything. Imagine the impact on your own kids too. They shouldn’t be given this responsibility at their age! If ex-GF tells you to mind your own business, then at least you’ve tried.
Is there a precedent for your 15 year old being responsible for X? If so, I’d let ex-GF know that too. Being abroad if things go wrong is a completely different ball game for everyone. Where are they going on holiday?

hey sounds like such a heavy situation so sorry you're dealing with all this. If weed’s still a big issue for him maybe suggesting something like https://www.puffstats.com could help him track use or try cutting back. Might be a small step but sometimes it helps.

It makey me sad when you say"kids need fathers" because your father died young and your talking about a drug-addicted, violent rapist. Kids dont need fathers like that. The fact that you say your son's relationship has improved since he got bigger than his father is chilling. I am so thankful my mother did not have the same attitude as you and kept me protected from my violent alchoholic father. Having no father was better than having that father.

Its too late for you to protect your own kids from him, they are old enough to decide on their own relationship with him, bearing in mind they'll be subject to the manipulation tactics he's obviously used on you, but you can do what you can to protect their half sibling.

I would strongly suggest your own kids don't go on this holiday. They might get implicated by association if he does something spectacularly dense like try to take weed through an airport in a foreign country. You can't really speak to the ex though, it's not for you to risk assess for her child, it won't go down well at all.

This !!!

A few people mentioned (understandably) that I shouldn’t have let my kids see the ex so I thought it might be useful to explain another factor- which may cast light on legal attitudes 15 years ago to violent men & drug use.

When I was pregnant with my youngest son (so about 15 years ago) I had a free initial appointment with a solicitor to discuss leaving the then partner.

The advice she gave was basically that I was shafted.

Because I worked full-time while he didn’t work at all - because he refused to work! - her advice was HE would count as main carer (although in fact I paid for childcare while HE sat at home watching porn/smoking joints/whatever as I did not want him responsible for them) and HE would likely get custody of the kids. Plus the house. The house I worked to provide, & kids left with him, without me to come home & clean & cook & do the washing & read to them & basically stop the house from subsiding into a pit of filth.

Solicitor’s view then was that use of cannabis would not be taken seriously by the family court as not a hard drug (unless I could prove he was selling it, which he wasn’t) & nor would the interactions with the police (which had not resulted in a conviction). Even breastfeeding in her view would not have helped! (I was thinking of leaving him while pregnant.) This scared me into staying with him - by the time I left I was just glad he’d agreed to shared custody. The last thing I wanted was any dispute that might result in residence being awarded fully to him. (Plus as mentioned my views have been strongly affected by losing my own father, I do admit that.)

Maybe things are different now - that’s more than a decade ago. I really hope so. Or maybe the advice I got was crap (though solicitor seemed very competent). But anyway I would always advise a working woman with children, whose partner does not work, to think very carefully about the legal hold over her that she may be inadvertently giving him.

Thanks all, much food for thought in your comments.

The Mum of your ex partner's son must know what your ex partner is like! She's been in a relationship with him, so she must, like you, know exactly what he's like. I don't think you can get involved to be honest. I would be 100% honest with all your children, that they are likely to be parenting their little brother for the duration of the holiday. Unfortunately, your children want to go on the holiday, and as much as you don't want them having the responsibility of their little brother, it's highly likely it will happen. Prepare them for this. Let them know that you will be at the end of a phone if they need your advice or support. Your children are at an age that they are aware what their Dad is like too. No, it's not fair your children should be parenting their little brother, but they will probably do a better job between the 3 of them, than their own Dad!

The mum of the 4yr old might well know, but like the OP, she might be scared to rock the boat or used to minimising his behaviour.

Actually having her (probable) concerns validated by someone else might galvanise her into action.

For all we know, he's saying OPs perfectly happy for him to take the kids and they'll be helping out, and emotionally blackmailing her into agreeing to it.

I doubt you would be telling her anything she doesn’t already know.

How the fuck can he afford it all ,always stoned taking 4 kids abroad on holiday and has never worked,