To be 40 without any friends

[Lonelypony]

Just that really ⬆️
Firstly I don't know where I am going with this....I'm just sad and need to write it down.
Sorry.

No friends. Mostly NC with family but LC with a few of them. No deep rooted relationships with family anyway. All went in different directions as we grew and due to some difficulty in childhood my siblings and I aren't in contact with eachother.

Friends - the ones from school, obviously disbanded. Work colleagues come and go with job changes. Mum friends, had a few when DD was small, again disbanded (no problems just grew apart). Neighbours aren't really friendly like in the 'olden days'

I have DH -he's my world and best friend. DD is my everything. Only child due to complications in pregnancy.

I am friendly with the people I work with, only in the work place. We wouldn't be eachothers 'people' outside of the workplace.

Family - as above. Occasionally see my youngest sister.

School Mum 'friends' - there's a few but I've recently discovered that I'd been being used for childcare in the holidays really. I poured a lot into these friendships and one of them I genuinely thought was an absolute friend. I was wrong, since she doesn't need me for childcare anymore I'm not contacted, we don't talk unless I contact first, walks past me in the playground to get to her other friends. Like to make it known I looked after her children 5 years of schools hols, looked after her children whilst she had 2 more children.
Really helped her through some rough times in her life.

Wish me and the little one (10) didn't spend all the time by ourselves. Everyone is always too busy for us unless they are bored and need to fill time or need something. DH's family not really interested in DD as the first granddaughter was born 12 months before her and is 'everything'

Tried peanut, meet up, bumble. Can't make friends. People aren't genuine anymore. I'm kind, look ok, friendly and helpful.
Apologies.

Sorry if this is the wrong place.

I think I just want someone to reply so I feel acknowledged in the world.

Don't apologise. This would really piddle me off:

I've recently discovered that I'd been being used for childcare in the holidays really. I poured a lot into these friendships and one of them I genuinely thought was an absolute friend. I was wrong, since she doesn't need me for childcare anymore I'm not contacted, we don't talk unless I contact first, walks past me in the playground to get to her other friends. Like to make it known I looked after her children 5 years of schools hols, looked after her children whilst she had 2 more children.
Really helped her through some rough times in her life.

Now is your time to put you first and think about how you value spending your time and things you love to do- start doing those and the friendships will grow through those hobbies and interests.

I know it’s a bit of a cliche, but do you have any hobbies or interests that you could do where you might meet people who have similar interests or outlooks?

It is harder to meet people when you’re older and I think you probably have to put twice the effort in! I used to go to lots of groups / course / talks etc. and often got talking to people and they sometimes turned into friends eventually.

Ditto @LogicalBlodge

I think try a hobby group. There must be some one nice out there who would make a good friend. Sorry to hear about the annoying ones. Sounds like you have a nice immediate family though which is lovely.

Thank you. I feel oddly better for writing it down.
There's more detail to that one friend. But it would be outing. I just poured my heart into it with no reciprocation.

Yes I have been thinking about volunteering, joining a book club, focusing more on me and my self care.

My lovely wonderful (albeit a bit sassy) is great and actually says she doesn't mind that it's always just us. DH works a lot but is around .she sees her friends at school so that's what matters.

Thank you for seeing me. I've cried.

It sounds like you have a wonderful husband and daughter and I'm sure your daughter loves having special 1:1 time with you, so please don't feel bad.

I think it is more common than you think not to have loads of close friends, family etc. you certainly are not alone.

If you want to make more friends, you could try taking up a hobby (or focus on one you already have!). I find it is really difficult to find people I "click" during general socialising, but if you meet someone through a hobby then you have something in common already and it makes it a little easier.

Same but 50 I'm just resigned to it now more wary than before because I attract people who like to use me

Thank you for your replies.

Am I sorry to hear you feel used too theunamedcat.

I do believe I'm not alone and many are in the situation but it's still rough. We are a very close immediate family.

People can be thoughtless and, sometimes, a little cruel, but it's not a reflection on you.

Are you open to friends a different age to you - younger, older?

Don't give up on friendship: I know it's a horrible platitude, but true friendship may well come when you least expect it, from a place you don't expect.

This might be a poor suggestion but have you tried local Facebook groups? I found a couple of friends from posting on groups. I have quite a niche situation and interests though (chronic illness and interested in spirituality) but it might be worth trying. One of the groups was just for local people and I posted asking if anyone else was interested in meditation/spiritual stuff and wanted to chat..someone responded who is now a good friend. It's hard in our 40s but putting yourself out there and being direct can work. Have a think about your interests or what you'd like to pursue and then look for like minded people. Good luck!

P.s when I first moved to my area I was desperately lonely and an ill single mum. I still remember those days and feel for you.

Sorry you are struggling.

Friends aren’t easy to make once you are past school and college.

Encourage your daughter’s friendships and enjoy your life with your loving husband.

@Lonelypony a few years ago I signed up for a creative writing group at my local adult ed centre. I was so nervous but my goodness am I glad I went along…one of the biggest benefits was meeting amazing people. We don’t have a great deal in common but that’s the beauty of it! We meet up for occasional drinks and dinners and it’s so lovely. It did wonders for my confidence, allowed me to build on my own interests and helped me to cross paths with lovely, genuine people who aren’t up for drama, bullshit or gossip. Perhaps something like that could help you on your way to new connections?

Hobbies - I do think there is something about a weekly group getting together that can lead to friendships. Sorry about your mum friends not coming through it’s rubbish when that happens.

It’s hard making adult friends. I think you have to make four times as much effort as you imagine as a grown up. I’ve moved countries a bit and every time I’ve moved - it has felt like more effort!

I have read that you need to spend about 50 hours with someone for them to become a friend - so outside of uni / school gate / work the real options are joining regular clubs + activities where you can organically spend significant time with people without feeling like a stalker…

some things I have found to be true / useful

1. the people that are worth being friends with (because they’re fun / interesting / friendly / extraordinarily good at pub quizzes / whatever draws you in) have always already got friends - so you need to accept that, to begin with, you will have to make more effort.

2. it’s no use sitting around thinking about how kind you are and feeling annoyed that people don’t see it. Kindness is, of course, hugely important - but it’s rarely a defining reason someone would choose to be friends with someone - more a baseline expectation of fellow decent humans. What else are you bringing to the table? Are you good at planning cheap nights out? Find a free comedy night and invite a motley crew… Make an excellent lasagne? Invite your entire crochet-with-dog-hair class to a kitchen supper. Know loads about board games? Schedule a pub night that everyone has to bring a game to share at.

3. if you feel awkward (almost everyone does to start with) a) fake it til you make it and b) consider some good conversation openings - I find people get bored pretty quickly of being peppered with questions about their family / job etc - but bloody love being the expert - ask someone for advice about their chosen subject and they’re off…

@Embarrassinglyuseless
Thank you some great ideas there.

I have picked myself up and had a chat with myself. I know my worth.
I'm very grateful to even have had replies here.

Knowing your worth is an excellent place to start. A bit like romantic relationships - you don’t want to befriend / date people who aren’t matching your energy and effort in the medium term!

I feel the same - I lost touch with almost all my school/uni friends. Didn’t even have a hen party before I got married. I had lots of “family friends” when married with kids but most fell away after the divorce. Had some local mum friends but I was never in their inner circle (they had older/closer friends). Now that my kids are in their teens, I’ve lost touch with most of my mum friends since their kids are in different schools. I do have some very old friends but they’re in different countries so I don’t see them for years sometimes. Geography, time and life circumstances are real friendship-killers. Between kids, DP and work, I just have no time to cultivate new friendships, just work contacts/networks. It’s sad but guess I can’t have it all.