My daughter's first bf... Not impressed

[suzpol]

My DD started uni last September and met her first proper bf. Let's call him Dan. He's 10 years old than her and we as a family have quite a few concerns about him.
He's always asking her to "lend" him money... A few pounds here, a few pounds there... She never get it back. Constant tales of woe about his poverty and debts.
Dan is a mature student, but living in the student halls on campus. No family. He's from a different park of the UK, and is NC with his family for reasons we don't really know.
When DD first brought Dan home to meet us he was very charming, polite and courteous. Well presented and someone who seemed to have pride in his appearance.
I more recent times (they've been together since September), he's been coming to our house with DD in filthy clothes, full of holes, shoes with soles hanging off, food debris over his face (like a messy-eating toddler), greasy hair, bad breath, filthy teeth. He has access to wash facilities in his hall of residence and DD knows he definitely lives there as she goes regularly and knows the people he lives with.
He's gone from one extreme to another...from caring about his appearance to turning up looking homeless and also stinking of BO and dirt etc.
My DD wants to end it but Dan cries and promises he'll sort himself out, but nothing is changing. I think she feels trapped with him. He's a kind-hearted person, nothing nasty in his character but it's his total neglect of hygiene and basic standards of care that are giving her the ick.
How can she end it with Dan? She's never had a relationship before and obviously doesn't want to hurt him.

Your dd needs to end it with him. If he starts crying and promising to change the answer will still be no. Your daughter needs to be firm and not contact him. Its emotional blackmail if he keeps turning on the waterworks to get her to stay

Dd needs your support drawing a line in the sand here. At best he sounds a complete rescue job and taking massive advantage, potentially dangerous and controlling. He needs telling as soon as possible. Can she stay at home for a few days?

Tell her straight. ‘One of the plus points of going out with a man ten years older is that usually they have their shit together and have more money. Dan would give a homeless man a run for his money in the hygiene department. You’re 18 and a fantastic person. You need to end it with Dan, you have your whole life ahead of you and don’t want to commit to a man who is too bone idle to brush his teeth. As soon as a man asks to borrow a tenner, dump him darling. Aim high’.

Unfortunately ending a relationship does cause hurt, that’s unavoidable. I think you need to encourage your daughter to understand that she can end a relationship for any reason if it’s no longer working for her. She doesn’t need to endure a situation to ‘be kind’ and she’s not responsible for another persons feelings. Her only responsibility is to be polite, respectful and firm in ending it.

She needs to be brave and you need to help her. I stayed in a toxic relationship far longer than I should have done because he threatened to do something every time I wanted to split. He didn’t of course. Don’t let her be emotionally blackmailed. I wish I had had someone giving me advice.

Yes, this - plus that there is absolutely no shortage whatsoever of men who would like to date a bright 18yr old, so she shouldn't feel any pressure to kiss anyone with unbrushed teeth!

I’d say she needs support to end it. Maybe have her come home for the weekend so you can support her if he’s calling/messaging her and so there’s less chance of him physically confronting her

Will your dd be moving to new accommodation in September? I would suggest to her that she ends things when she returns home for the summer, go no contact and don’t tell him where she’s going to be living next year?

Tell her that he isn’t her responsibility, he’s a grown man.

Is your dd coming home soon for the summer? That would be the perfect opportunity to end it.

She needs to tell him it's over and then block him on everything. He is not her problem.

Has Term finished at uni? If so is she coming home? That would be an ideal time to do it, she’ll have your support at home then.

Primarlty though she needs to learn that it’s very important she should never be in a relationship with someone she doesn’t want to due to her worrying about upsetting him. It isn’t her job to fix this man!

She needs to recognise that he is being manipulative, at best. He’s no different to an abuser who threatens suicide if his victim tries to break it off. Freedom programme would be useful for her. And possibly you if you don’t recognise this behaviour.

There’s a reason he’s picked someone 10 years younger with little experience.

Being dumped hurts, there's no way round that other to be brave and do it as decently as possible. Perhaps point out that it's part of adult life for everyone (either dumped or dumper) and either she plucks up the courage to do it or she'll be with him till death do them part.

Advise her to do it in a quiet but public place like a cafe, not to beat around the bush, just practice a few sentences, say them, say goodbye, stand up and go.

She needs to work on her confidence and assertiveness as well as being kind or she'll struggle in life.