Do I say something?

[DownAndOut25]

Name changed for this one.

I moved to a new part of the country last year, partly to escape some bad memories and partly because I had two close friends (H and K) in my new area. K actually suggested I move here.

Since I’ve arrived, I’ve struggled to make new friends – I work two jobs so don’t have a lot of free time, and my physical and mental health are pretty bad, which means I need to rest a lot. All this is to explain that I’ve been reliant on H and K for any kind of social life. (I do have friends in the town I moved from and in my hometown and I see them too. H and K aren't the only friends I have in the world)

I’m usually quite happy with my own company so I don’t think I’ve been hugely needy – I probably see them each 2-3 times a fortnight. It’s usually them suggesting we meet – I have relentless depression and am always wary of forcing my company on other people. But I think I do my fair share of buying drinks, offering support, hosting – and I do suggest meetups when I’m up to it. The friendships have felt quite equal (to me, at least).

It might be relevant to say that H and K do a lot together without me. I’ve known K for a lot longer than H has but they see each other several times a week.

I met H and K through a shared hobby years ago. I don’t want to say what the hobby is, because it’s quite outing. I’ve been doing it for longer than them, but we all take it seriously.

I’ve just found out that they’re going away for a few days over the summer to an event that centres around this hobby. They haven’t invited me. Neither of them has even mentioned it to me – one of them let it slip by accident today.

I’m really really upset they’ve excluded me. I’ve had an awful week (work stuff and ill relative) and have been feeling quite tearful anyway, so this is probably clouding how emotional I am.

To pre-empt questions about whether they're going away with a tight group of friends that I’m just not part of: they’re going with four other people, A, B, C and D.

H and K both know A and B.

C is a friend of A who neither H nor K has met.

D is a good friend of K who none of the others have met.

So basically, no one knows everyone else, and two of the people going only know one other person. They haven’t excluded me because the others don’t know me.

Ages ago, K invited me out for drinks tonight with another friend of hers. Right now I’m too upset to go.

Should I go and say something to her? Say something beforehand and tell her why I’m not going?

Do I just ignore the fact I’m excluded? – they are ‘allowed’ to go away without me, after all.

Please be kind. I feel really shit and unwanted.

They might not be the ones organising it, and therefore it’s not their call to invite you.

It sounds like you are a bit dependent on them and perhaps you need to ask yourself why you are coming across as (I mean this kindly) a bit possessive of them in this “hobby space”.

Are you worried that they might find other friends, in which case try not to see that as threatening but as an opportunity to get to know a wider group of people who like the same hobby.

Are you getting any therapy for the depression and the things that trouble you? It sounds like you might benefit from a safe space to talk.

go for the meet up , mention the trip away and say you’d like to come, there could possibly be someone arranging it and it may not be the person you know so no slight on you at all , or just an oversight these things happen with lots of people involved

But also, do you have the energy and time to go ? Could they have assumed you don’t ?

also why are you living with relentless depression ? I don’t mean to sound unkind and maybe I am un educated in this but this needs addressing as it sounds debilitating my partner takes meds as have I and with therapy and stuff that I do that works for me it eases, sorry don’t mean to be ignorant

if the worst case scenario is true and they have excluded you can you ask why and take it from there

i bet it’s no where near as bad as you think , you sound very considerate and concerned about being a good friend so I’m sure it will be good news

I think you’re right in that a shit week is clouding your judgement here and I can think of several reasons why you may not have been invited which are nothing to do with you personally.

Did they “let it slip by accident” or did they actually just mention as it came up in conversation. Even your language around that is quite ‘victim’ ‘they’ve colluded to keep it from me’. You’re not “excluded”, you just happen to have not been invited this time for reasons unknown - there’s a difference.

If you’re too upset to go out with K tonight then obviously don’t go, but honesty I think H and K sound like pretty good friends really. I think raising this with them is going to result in them feeling like they need to walk on eggshells around you and genuinely start deliberately hiding things from you, in case you then chew them out for being “excluded”.

Meet K and talk about it. Whether they've excluded you on purpose or it's been some sort of oversight, it's better for you to find out the truth & deal with it rather than bottling up your feelings while never really knowing why it happened.

Thank you all for replying. To answer some questions: yeah, I probably do feel quite possessive. I genuinely hadn’t considered that before and I don’t like the idea, but I think it’s true. The move to this new place hasn’t been great, for lots of reasons. I’m probably clinging to these friendships to make it feel a bit better. Something I need to think about.

I’ve had chronic depression for about 40 years. I was suicidal from about 14-30. I’ve tried dozens of antidepressants and finally found something that just about keeps it under control. I’m still depressed but most of the time I can cope. I eat, I shower, I sleep, I work. My life isn’t happy, but I’m no longer suicidal.

Perhaps it’s time to review the dosage but like lots of you, I can’t get a GP appointment.

i was seeing a counsellor for years but stopped when I moved last year. I can’t really afford to start again, but I think I need to find the money somehow.

I’m going to stay at home tonight because of how I feel. Maybe suggest meeting them tomorrow instead. And the person who said I shouldn’t mention this because they’ll feel like they’re walking on eggshells - this was good advice. This is on me, not them.

thank you all again. Lots to think about.