Friendship group dynamic

[HermioneRuby1]

So long story short introduced a friend I met to my group of old school friends and she’s now part of that group and become closer to one of the older friends which is fine however as new friend has become closer I can’t help but feel like she’s in constant competition with me with the older friends as well as other things. For example if do something new or different she’s either done it before or doing it better, she knows better, she’s been there done that bought the T-Shirt. Or she’ll suddenly start to wear similar clothes or jewellery.
I would normally not give a monkeys am interested and champion all my friends I’m finding though that it’s beginning to erk me. Which is out of character for me - am too old for this shit!! I can’t distance myself without doing so with my wonderful other friends but I’m finding that’s what I'm leaning towards right now and it’s making me feel even more irritated. 😒

Ooft, fatal mistake not recognising a narcissist before you introduced her to other people in your life.

You feel she is in competition because she is.

That's what narcissists do.

She is not your friend. She is a deeply damaged person who has made you their competition. And narcissists... intend to destroy their competition. Piece by piece. And steal what they want from them. She won't share your friends, she'll take them.

You have 2 options, 1, let her and the whole friend group go. Cut of the whole limb before the fast acting poison in your toe, spreads. Or 2, back away temporarily and hope she targets someone else and they see what she is and abandon her too. Slowly regaining your friend group one by one that way.

There are pitfalls in the later as, if she hurts a friend of yours-they may blame you for bringing her into the fold. Also if she sees you've backed off, she may go nuclear on you.

There's then a third option I suppose but...it relies on your friends being good friends to you and willing to believe you straight up rather than give her 'benefit of the doubt'. Tell them - she's turning everything into a competition and you realise she's not a nice or, safe person. That's a huge risky move too unfortunately.

I would do nothing. Sit back and observe and change your mindset to your friend is feeling insecure to behave that way. Feel a bit sorry for her but detach from feelings of annoyance.

In my experience these things usually pan out. She's not you, she'll never be you and is probably envious. Your friends should appreciate that and may notice her trying so hard, more fool her.

I feel I can’t do anything really and am trying to detach from feelings of annoyance. I genuinely don’t believe she’s insecure though but am trying to be the bigger person. It just came to a head recently with something I’ve just embarked on doing that’s a massive deal to me and something I’ve wanted to do for years (can’t detail it on here) but have decided to pick up the courage to do and have had so much support from my friends about but this one has just decided albeit it’s never been mentioned before she’s wanted to do it also too and has now made steps to start just weeks after me. I know it sounds so bloody petty. I think a bit of distance might help to be honest.

That's annoying, can see why you're upset about it and like you say engaging will pull you in further. I would keep my cards close to my chest in future, don't share your plans. You can't change her behaviour, only yours.

The two instances of this that I experienced were due to insecurity and envy. One 'friend' even booked her wedding abroad in the same place two weeks before mine (it was a poorer version because she was really stretching herself financially too). I kinda figured it was pretty sad to have her life ruled competing with mine. We're no longer friends as it's really hard to be friends with someone who's basically one uping you all the time, not friendly at all.

The other one is still around in one of my hobby groups. I just ignore it as I can't be bothered to engage. Polite and aloof. Not my circus, not my monkeys! I think it riles her a bit as she's upped the ante a couple of times to a vacuum from me 😁

It is a phenomenon known as "Wendy-ing". Your "friend will seek to push you out of your friendship group.

Was just coming on to say this!!!! Op you have been Wendy'd

the term narcissist gets thrown round too loosely these days and annoys me.

Normal people don't make you their competition. They don't steal your hobbies, dreams or ideas and act like they are theirs and they are better at them than you.

It's a disordered personality of some sort. Its evedent once you've been through it.

I had a very similar experience to this. I kind of sat back as I thought my real friends would rally round eventually. But they didn’t at all which hurt the most. I’m still not over it really.
I think they saw me back off and left me to it.
and my new friend is 100% soul sisters bosom buddies with them.

things do change though as in the last 5 years we’ve all moved to different towns.

so I’m certainly not holding getting on with my life. But I am sad about it - because it was a really great friendship while it lasted- and I do wonder how they could lose interest in me that easily.

for you OP, I’d say try to keep a strong relationship going one on one with your old friends- so you don’t cut yourself off unnecessarily.