Advice Needed/Hand Hold Please

[Heartbreakforanoherday]

Hi all,

I've been with my partner for five years. We've lived together for three of these years. Both have children from previous - whom we both love and adore.

Never have any issues re: blended family, kids are the best of friends and have just the normal child like arguments.

We live in his house, but have been looking for a bigger house to buy together. We've been viewing properties. He took me out to look at engagement rings, and has been sending me wedding venues. He tells me every day that he loves me, and has always been so happy.

We don't have any arguments really wither, things are generally calm and home is a happy place. He is the calm to my storm as I am normally in a panic.

This weekend, he woke up and told me he didn't want to be with me any more and I needed to take the children and leave. When I asked why he gave me a lot of uncertain answers like 'he isn't sure this is what he wants, doesn't know if marriage is for him etc'. Even though he's been the driving force!

I have tried to speak to him, to sort of gain some reason. And I'm getting nothing.

Please can someone give me some advice?

I don't know what to do and I don't know what to think. The kids are all distraught and have been crying for days. His kids now don't want to come and see him.

I am moving in with my friend this weekend for a few months until I get some inheritance from an aunt so that I can buy my own property.

I don't want to hear anything about blended families. Or another woman. Because honestly those two things don't have anything to do with it.

Is he having a breakdown?! I don't believe this sort of thing comes out of nowhere - there is a reason, even if it's just not apparent just yet. You might find out with time what it is, and it might be another woman, but ultimately it doesn't change your situation so all you can do is plod along minute by minute. And buy some brownies. They won't make things better, but they definitely won't make it worse.

You must be in a state of shock.
What to think? I really don’t have a clue - and I don’t think you will either, not for a good while. Eventually it will come out, whatever it is, but you’ll drive yourself mad trying to figure it out right now.
What to do? Is more straightforward - you’ve just got to switch to survival mode and look after yourself and your kids, ignore anyone or anything else. Sounds like you’ve got a plan in terms of somewhere short term to go until you can get your own place sorted, don’t get distracted from that.

I'm sure in time the reason will become apparent but at the moment, you can't worry about the reason. You've organised somewhere else for you and your children to live temporarily. Focus on the next few months; start looking at properties online, that you think will be suitable within your budget. Looking after you and your children's welfare is your priority. You can't worry about your partner, his reasons or children. Your partner is responsible for his children, their reaction to the breakup and not wanting to see him, is the consequences that he will have to navigate. Sending you a big hug ♥️

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be so heartbreaking and confusing.

This will is about something going on with him, and nothing to do with you. His vague responses sound like a man who is confused or running from something he hasn’t / doesn’t want to deal with, rather than reacting to you. Is he avoidant normally? Has he ever had any wobbles before? Has he run away from other things in his life? Had he been married before?

I’m intrigued why you are so sure it’s not an OW- this is the most common scenario even if he hasn’t acted on anything yet. Alternatively it could be mental health, he could be in debt, health issues…who knows. I don’t think there’s any point pushing for answers right now, it sounds like you won’t get them and you’ll drive yourself mad.

Horrendous as it is, at this point I think you have to draw a line under it, grieve the relationship, hold your head up and forge ahead without him. He might well come begging for you back, but you’ll never be able to trust him again.
💚

There is obviously something afoot. Sorry, OP.

@BiggySwish he has had some wobbles before but not like this. He doesn’t deal with confrontation or expressing emotions well. He’s always so loving and happy and never seems to let much bother him.

He tells me every day that he loves me so much and also the children.

He’s never been married before but did have a wobble and leave his long term partner as they had been together since they were teenagers.

Life is so hard at the minute. I’m trying to plod along but my mind can’t help but wonder.