So I’ve been married to my Husband for 10 years, together for 12 and in that time there has been over 20 instances of lying on his part. Some small, one involving having an STD when we got together and him not knowing that’s what it was, to me then later finding a message he’d sent to his friend saying that he had this STD, showing me he did in fact, know.
He signed up to dating sites, but claims he’s never messaged or met up with anyone. I found this out just after we got married, and had just had our son. There was other lies to, such as messaging other women, never seemed to be anything flirty, but he’d hide it or lie about it. There was one to his ex apologising for something he'd done to himself when they were together, which he’d hid from me until I saw her response pop up on his phone screen, and when I asked why she was messaging he acted like he didn’t know. I told him to respond then, asking her why she was messaging as if to a response, and he actually did it!! Rather than just be honest he messaged her asking why she was messaging him. There’s other things as well, but you get the gist.
Anyway, I left him a couple of years ago because the resentment and lack of trust was overwhelming. He knew I had come from a past relationship of a physical and mental abuse, claimed he was different, and I believed him because he did seem that way. Now he’s hurt me more than anyone ever has. So I left, and then after a few months, he begged me to give it another go because he wanted to change etc. We have a son together and my other son from my previous relationship, so I wanted to try again for them. After about 6 months of being back together, I realised that I didn’t want to be with him. So I ended it and he’s been moved out for a few months.
He’s saying he’s changed and he’ll wait for me etc, and for a moment I see a picture of happiness and how it should have been, I say we can slowly start trying to work on it, but then the next day I look at him and I want nothing to do with him! I am happier alone. I’m working on myself and healing as best as I can, because clearly I have issues too. So why do I keep going back? Only ever briefly, and so fleeting. Now I’m the one hurting him and I hate that! When I say I’m done with him I mean it. I’m ready to divorce etc, and then I just get pulled back in, but there’s so much anger and zero trust. I’ll doubt every word he ever speaks to me again. So why do I keep going back?
What is wrong with me?