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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH wants to separate - help needed

9 replies

Giraffe888 · 30/05/2025 10:18

me and DH have been married for 7 years, got 2 young children. Things have been up and down for a few years but we’ve been working through it and doing our best.

he’s announced this week that he’s not happy and wants to separate. I’m obviously devastated and extremely worried for our children/disruption to their lives etc.

can anyone please help with practical advice? We own a home together with a mortgage, what do we do in terms of that? I’d love to stay in it but wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage in my own name.

would I be entitled to any benefits? I work 32 hours a week. One child is in school and the other gets 30 hours funded childcare so I only pay about £40 a month in childcare costs.

im so scared and have no idea how im going to get through this 😢

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 30/05/2025 10:23

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

Re the house, if you can’t afford a mortgage for it in your own name then you can’t keep it. If he can get a mortgage for it in his own name then he can buy you out so you’ll get your % of the equity to buy/rent somewhere else, or if he doesn’t want to or can’t get the mortgage for the house then the house will be sold, the equity split and you both go to new properties.

Have a look on the benefits calculator entitled to and see if you’d be entitled to anything x

Snorlaxo · 30/05/2025 10:24

There are online calculators for child
maintenance and Universal Credit that should give you some numbers.

If you can’t afford the mortgage on your own then your ex needs to give you your share of the equity (if he plans to stay) or you put the house on the market and split the equity and buy/rent something else.

💐 to you.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/05/2025 10:25

Your husband must have been thinking about this for a while so it would be interesting to hear how he thinks it will work in terms of housing post separation.

Original poster

Giraffe888 · 30/05/2025 14:28

Neither of us would get a mortgage on our own. I was hoping he might just agree to let me stay in it but I don’t know if that’s feasible. I could afford to run it and could use his maintenance towards the mortgage cost. My friend said sometimes the leaving partner has to pay a % towards the mortgage until the children are 18. I need to get advice from a solicitor

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress all he’ll say to me is that he needs to sort his head out then he’ll make his plans on what he is doing. He won’t discuss anymore than that

OP posts:

Gyozas · 30/05/2025 15:04

Unfortunately, cherchez la femme.

Get some legal advice as to what you’re entitled to OP.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/05/2025 18:58

Giraffe888 · 30/05/2025 14:28

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress all he’ll say to me is that he needs to sort his head out then he’ll make his plans on what he is doing. He won’t discuss anymore than that

Both parents will need somewhere to live that will also house the children, he can’t stick his head in the sand about that.

BiggySwish · 30/05/2025 20:20

You don’t have to wait around for him to make his plans @Giraffe888 Take control here and work out what would work best for you and your dc and put those plans to him. Start by getting legal advice, getting the house valued and seeing what benefits etc you might be entitled to.

If you don’t think buying him out is an option, look at shared ownership and rental properties in your area to work out what budget you might need to adequately house yourselves. Think about whether you want 50/50 custody - if you have them more he’ll have to pay you maintenance and you may be entitled to a greater share of the assets.

I’m so sorry this is happening. Don’t sit around letting him treat you like shit and calling the shots. He’s throwing away his family but it’s his choice. Let him watch you build a brilliant life for yourself and your dc and go on to thrive without him. Sending strength 🩵

Zanatdy · 30/05/2025 20:28

Not sure where your friend got info that ex partners need to pay a percentage of mortgage until child is 18. They need to pay maintenance but if you can’t afford to buy him out, then you will need to sell. Maybe look into part rent / part buy. Assume your ex will need to house his children too when he has them. It’s a tough time, so i’d recommend some legal advice. Sometimes a court may grant a mesher order so mum and kids can stay in house until 18 but it’s rare. You need to prepare for selling the house. Re benefits, have a look at entitled to website. There is a max savings though, so if you sell and then rent, you wouldn’t get benefits if over savings cap. If you did shared ownership then you can get help towards the rent part. Something to consider.

Beaniebobbins · 30/05/2025 21:07

Many family law solicitors will offer an initial consultation for free. Some may also be able to do mediation in terms of settlements and childcare arrangements.

if there is a financial agreement to be made it may be your interests to sort this out while he is feeling guilty. The level of guilt will decline rapidly over time.

wish you the best of luck.

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