How to maintain LC when under pressure

[NorthernExposureMooseWalk]

I need some advice.

After 30+ years of trying to make a dysfunctional extended family work I've dropped the rope. I'm done.

I have an elderly father who has a degenerative condition, a SM and a brother.

I don't want to go full NC with my Dad because it would feel cruel at this point. I have children and I don't want to cause upset when we're moving towards the end. So I've been maintaining a relationship with my Dad for a few years now.

The problem is SM and brother. When my dad passes I will let contact with these two fade away as they don't bring anything positive and just cause issues. Recently these two seem to have teamed up and are pushing back against the LC I have put in place.I've started receiving manipulative texts from SM and entitled texts from brother. They want to arrange a visit and don't seem to be taking no for an answer. Luckily I live hours away and have been batting it off but it's getting worse.

I don't want to upset my dad but I have made it clear I'm not interested in a relationship with my brother and dad just isn't listening. He keeps trying to include him in the conversation.

I need to shut down text messages that are trying to arrange visits firmly but without aggression.

Latest one from brother was trying to arrange a visit and talks to me like its a done deal. I've said we are not available but he's pushed again. I've not responded so far and I'm leaning towards not saying anything and ignoring it but need some advice from others who've been in this situation as to how you handled it and how it worked out.

I’d tell him that if he keeps contacting you, you’ll be forced to bar his/her number. You’ll contact them when you want to arrange a visit.

Do not respond at all to anything your SM (stepmother?) and brother send you.
Stop replying to any messages from either saying you are unavailable because it's a response. A response is what they want from you; its a reward to such dysfunctional types so maintain radio silence despite all provocations. Keep the door of communication firmly closed. NC is precisely that; nothing whatsoever from you. Block their means too of being able to send you messages; at the very least redirect them to your spam folder.

Sadly your dad is acting as a flying monkey here and has his own agenda. He's also being influenced by DM and your brother, these two live far closer to him than you do. He is not interested in hearing your side of things. He is not at all considering you in all this so I would further lower all levels of contact going forward. It also does your kids no favours to see you becoming so upset and otherwise distressed by them.

He has chosen a side here and it's not yours. This man is working for them both and acts as their enabler. His wife and son belittle you and he says and does nothing.

It's not clear if you're happy to see your dad in person in the absence of your brother

I think when you're talking to your dad maintain a standard line and keep repeating it "I'm interested in just you right now dad, I'll chat to brother another time " (and don't)
I agree with the PP that dad is acting as a flying monkey for brother, so you need to be clear on your external and internal boundaries. Don't let brother upset you through your dad's words/actions. And don't misplace upset caused by brother onto your dad.

And for your brother just ignore him. There are some people that cannot be reasoned with and you can't control him. Ignoring is your only option here.

SM is step mother.

I can't lower contact with dad any further, it wouldn't feel right to me and would be cruel at this point. He probably is a flying monkey but I'm able to handle him.

It's more the other two I need to shut down. I can't block them as it's likely they will be the ones who will let me know when he deteriotes further and eventually passes.

It's not quite that black and white.

Ignoring does seem like a good way to deal with the situation whilst keeping communication open.

I've been trying to think of things to say but as @AttilaTheMeerkat says a response is giving them what they want. So whatever I say is a win for them.

He could live for some years yet and in the meantime they will continue to wield this level of power and control over you. Indeed drop the rope here completely to them, all of them.

Your dad is already being cruel to you by taking sides; theirs and not being interested in hearing your side of things.

My guess too is that your SM and brother will not readily inform you anyway when he does eventually pass away. He may well be in a nursing home or hospital at that point. Someone else will need to inform you.

You can't shut the other 2 down. Nothing you say to them will change how they are behaving.

You could mute/block them for the majority of the week so they're not bothering you day to day. Then unblock one day a week to deal with their shit all in one go. "So sorry my phone's playing up" or "I'm very busy and only get round to messaging people on Sunday evening"

I've muted them both, which is really helpful in not having messages ping up.

Calling your dad a flying monkey will help you stop expecting protection from someone who was never truly on your side.

Consider sending their messages to your spam folder on your phone or otherwise put your phone on silent (that should stop the ping noises). Keep them both muted and again do not respond to what they write; a response is what is wanted from you. It is indeed a reward to such disordered of thinking people and they know they have you then.

You have the right to defend your boundaries. It is his responsibility to handle his actions and emotions, and every time he brings up your stepmother, he is disrespecting your feelings just so he doesn't have to deal with the uncomfortable and unpleasant fact that his spouse is abusive.

Enablers are being selfish and he does have his own agenda here. He is acting in his own self interest. If he values your relationship, he should not be doing the equivalent of emotional extortion. In doing that emotional extortion and blackmail he gets to project all his uncomfortable emotions on you so he doesn't have to feel them. If his love is conditional on you returning to the fold of both SM and brother I would question his commitment to you as his daughter. I would also think you would have had a far better relationship with your father if he had not married this woman.

When I first read this I thought it a little harsh but there is some truth in what you say, however uncomfortable.

Your last sentence is absolutely true. He even admitted to me once he didn't know what he was getting into until it was too late. That made me angry because it was a case of 'so you know now then and still do nothing!'.

I've often felt he's been playing people off against each other to push away his own responsibilities and emotions. He's very good at playing the victim and trying to elicit sympathy. He's incredibly passive and just agrees with everything that everyone says. It's caused me a lot of internal anger over the years.

I've been looking into F.O.G and I definitely think it's been a factor.

How do you override years of FOG dynamics and free yourself from it?

Is it possible?

Yes it is possible to over ride fog and find peace. My mother was a nasty person and my father was her enabler. I had been lc during my adult life until my mum became ill in her 80's and I was being pressured into being available to make dads life easier. I went NC. My mum died 18 months ago. My dad now wants a relationship with me!! calls once a week, he had never called me while she was alive. I am not angry or sad just indifferent. I can manage an hour a week without resentment but I accept the truth of the situation.
The fog fades the less contact you have, you have no reason to feel guilty or obligated, I bet your dad doesn't worry about you, just what he needs you for. I expect you have been a better daughter than he deserves.
I would be slightly suspicious of what SM & B want, what can't be said on the phone? They want something that's for sure and I doubt it will be any benefit to you. My guess is they want you to become his carer, make their lives easier, is there an inheritance to fight over?
If you can't reduce contact with your dad you have to muddle through with the full understanding that nothing will change as he comes as a package with the other 2. Your dad is also being manipulative but you know that.